No light at the end of the tunnel

Hello, 

I bet you've all been wondering where I got to. Aye right. None of you missed me eh? Well let's bring everything up to date. Last time I blogged I had just completed the Great North Run, and had been injured at mile 5. 

I'm still injured. I went to the Walk in centre 3 times immediately after the Great North Run although they should have called it the limp in centre. I felt like something was stabbing into the bottom of my foot. I thought maybe I had a stress fracture or something but the nurse practitioner assured me that where the pain was located wouldn't suggest a stress fracture. Eventually my GP arranged an x-ray for me just to be on the safe side and it came back clear so it was obviously soft tissue damage. I thought a bit of a rest and ice and stuff would sort it. So I rested, and iced, and did some basic stretching and got frustrated as September turned into October into November and Christmas arrived with me still sore. 

I knew there was a problem with my Achilles' tendon but my foot felt so weird. It was as if I had a tight rubber band across the sole of my foot. The GP arranged for me to see the bio mechanical people at the hospital and although I saw the NHS physio I didn't really get any relief. 

When the New Year came I decided to try and run a mile to see what my foot felt like. What a mistake. My Achilles' tendon tightened straight up, the stabbing pain in my foot returned after half a mile and although I finished the mile I limped back home feeling dejected and down. 

I needed to do something. Just resting my foot wasn't making a blind bit of difference so after seeking advice about private Physios I booked in for an assessment at Physio plus in Newcastle. Immediately I felt like I was addressing the problem properly. After explaining the symptoms the sports therapist checked my legs in various ways such as stretching to see how flexible both legs were, got me to push against her hands with my feet, or stop her from moving my feet, and standing on one leg. 

She gave me a sports massage to loosen my tight calf, which wasn't the most pleasant thing when you are sore. She wasn't 100% sure what was wrong and so made an appointment for me to see the physio to check it wasn't a nerve problem as I could feel pain in my foot when she was massaging my calf. 

The following week I went to see Helen, who repeated some of the tests done the week before, massages my very tight left calf, 
massaged the sole of my foot and said she could feel tenderness and resistance in it. Then she taped my foot up. I was a bit sceptical that a bit of tape might make any difference but I walked out of the physio's that week a lot easier than I walked in.

The appointments since have seen me have my calf unknotted each week, as it seems to like tightening back up at any given opportunity, some ultrasound, which doesn't hurt, some tens therapy, which while it feels like pins and needles again doesn't hurt and taping of my foot. A diagnosis of plantar fasciitis has been made. My Achilles is also very tight and my calf is obviously a problem 
too. I can link it all back to my sore calf after the Jane Tomlinson 10k in Leeds back last July. It goes to show that not getting treated swiftly after an injury can impact massively. 

I've also seen the biomechanics department and after a similar assessment I was given orthotics to wear in my shoes, and have to go back in April. Helen the physio has suggested that I ask my GP to make a referal to the foot and ankle specialist at the local hospital to see what they believe the best treatment is for my foot as it isn't resounding very quickly to treatment and it continuously feels like two steps forward and one step back. 

I have no return date set for running yet. We have to get to a point where I can walk comfortably without pain before I can even think about that. I have found it very hard to motivate myself and have been frustrated and even depressed about this injury. I used running as a way of dealing with my stress, and seeing others progressing while I have no light at the end of the tunnel is hard. 

I'm now watching 10k's come up which I should be running but can't. The North Tyneside 10k is at the end of March and I have no hope of doing that. The Blaydon Race which I ended like a drowned rat last year is only 3 months away. It's very frustrating to not know if I'll be running any time soon. 

Ohhhh me lads....

Wow, what a busy month I've had. I've completed all my exams at uni and had all the results back bar one and to say I'm delighted with them is an understatement. I've got 3 firsts, two 2.1's and a 2.2. Considering how nervous I felt before them I am really amazed by the results back. I also have a really good idea of where I need to work harder next year.

Running has been a mixed bag this month. The Clive Cookson 10k was an eye-opener. The weather was unbelievably hot and I hadn't felt confident about running the race at all. I have gastritis and duodenitis and had felt poorly for a couple of days before the run. I got to the two and a half mile point and really didn't know if I could get round the course. However I kept going and eventually finished. The reception I got from my running club, Tyne Bridge Harriers, was amazing. My friend, Tony, ran the last part of the run with me shouting me on. It meant so much. I didn't even know what time I finished in as I had stopped my watch at the two and a half mile point. I felt like it had taken forever. I found out the next day that I had ran the course in 1hr 21 mins. I was pleased in a way, my first ever 10k was 1hr 19 mins and this was only my 3rd ever 10k. However I know I can do way better than that.

I reached 2 years 10 months sober in the last couple of weeks. In February 2011 I took part in Victoria Derbyshire's radio show on BBC5 live speaking about alcoholism. Victoria had a recap show with a doctor called "Rachel" who I am delighted to say is now 3 months sober and I was invited back to speak to "Rachel" and update everyone on how I was doing. I had the opportunity to sit and reflect on how far my life has come in the last year.

Since that show I have lost 4 stone in weight. I applied for and got accepted at University. I started running in August. I joined the running club. These are massive things, and add on top of that living with a mental health condition which affects my mood, cyclically, suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, social anxiety, boughts of agoraphobia, noise sensitivity and then also being a single parent to three amazingly brilliant but demanding children and I have to admit I had a few tears. But they are tears of happiness. I know that I am being the best I can be, rather than making excuses for my behaviour and using alcohol and self-harm as a crutch. I've found coping strategies for my agoraphobia, noise sensitivity and social anxiety when they hit, and am managing to live a life which is a lot less isolated because of them.

One of the races that I have been waiting for since I decided to take up running was held at the weekend. As everyone knows (well you do now, if you didn't before) I am a proud Geordie. I entered the Blaydon Race back in February. Places in this race are like hens teeth. They sell out in a day. I had already bought a weekend ticket for the Download Festival but said if I got in then I would sell my festival ticket to do the run. And I got in!

So festival ticket sold I then had to wait for the run. And on the 9th June I was a mix of nerves and excitement. I got myself ready, put a water bottle in the fridge to be really cold for after the run, and left it there, not realising until I got to Newcastle. I met up with my running friends and my friends Karen and Graham pre-race. This was the 150th anniversary of the Blaydon Race in Geordie Ridley's song and it was going to be special.

There were can-can dancers, and the crowd roared "The Blaydon Races" song. I had goosepimples on my arms and the hairs on the back of my neck were stood up. I have never experieced anything like it. As we lined up outside Bambra's bar the heavens opened and we had rain of biblical proportions. I literally couldn't see two foot in front of me. The water was pouring down Scotswood Road and had an ark with a bearded bloke and two of every animal sailed past me down the Tyne I wouldn't have been surprised.

I don't know if it was the rain, the atmosphere or me just feeling so confident but I was feeling great. I did the first 5km in 32 mins and 3 seconds, though I couldn't see my Garmin to know that. I just knew I wanted to run. Although the rain had kept most of the crowds away there were still plenty of people on the Scotswood bridge to cheer us on. While others were walking up the incline I ran. The training at the running club was paying off.

Having not ran the race before I wasn't sure of where the end was. I could see a big blue "thing" up ahead which I presumed was the finish line so I put a burst of speed in. Only to find it was the car wash roof, oops! However I knew I wasn't that far away. As the race came to an end the two lads I passed with my burst of speed passed me back and I finished just behind them! Bit of a tactical mix-up there kidda.

I stopped my watch on the line, but wasn't able to see what the time was that I had finished in because of the rain on my glasses. I was completely soaked through. After getting my goody bag and my amazing t-shirt I saw my friends, one (who shall remain nameless to spare blushes) may not have won the race but would have won the wet T-shirt competition, lol. My other friend, Karen, looked at my Garmin and announced that I had finished in 66 mins 32 seconds!!!! I couldn't believe it. I had smashed the 70 minutes I had wanted to finish in.

Waiting for the bus back to Newcastle I met a couple of people that I know from Twitter and the lovely Kevin McClernon, who won the Biggest Loser this year. The night was completed with an evening's entertainment Geordie Beer Hall style, oompah band and traditional Geordie Fayre to boot! Brilliant! I don't often go out for the evening, as I can suffer from panic attacks in bars and crowded places but I loved being out, a sign that things are definitely looking up. Viva la vida!

A busy month

Hey ho,

It's been a while but I've had a busy month. Nothing major, just lots of uni work as exam time is upon us and the usual life getting in the way of stuff kinda thing.

My last post talked about how I felt I was under a bit of a black cloud. Things have definitely improved since then. It's a bit like being on a rollercoaster at times, you just have to hang on in there.

Running has been a bit of an effort at times. It has seemed like a lot of hard work and it hasn't been until the last week or so that I've felt that I'm enjoying it again. That aside I've done some great things with the runner. My club, Tyne Bridge Harriers, held a fundraising event for the Children's Heart Unit at the Freeman Hospital and The Freeman Heart and Lung Transplant Association  which was completed in around about 6 hours. It was fabulous to be part of the team and we were also joined by some of the recipients of donor organs who ran a lap, the Fit Factor team from the Journal and my friend and one of my inspirations Graham Smith who is running 2012 miles this year to raise money for the Tony Blair Sports Foundation which helps train volunteer coaches and officials so that more young people can get into sports.

I was meant to do the City of Sunderland 10k on the 6th May, however it was Newcastle United's last home game of the season and I would have been struggling to get back in time for kick off. I decided to change my plans and enter the Greggs Children's Cancer Run the following week instead, and managed to avoid a trip to the dark side, lol.

The Gregg's run is held at Newcastle race course and goes through the woods surrounding it. With the typical British summer weather it meant that the route was really clarty. Unlike other runs I've done there was no set starting time, people are allocated their number and are told to start anytime in an hour long slot. I hadn't experienced anything like this before and wondered if it would work. However I needn't have worried. At the start line it was like being at a theme park, lining up to start, being brought forward in a little group before being set away, and I have to admit that I had some nerves that were not dissimilar to those I might have felt had I been queueing for a white knuckle ride.

We set away, and I was quickly into a nice pace for me, and started really enjoying running through the mud and puddles and laughing at people who were gingerly trying to pick their way through. That was until the two mile point. An unexpected incline, some mud and a woman in front of me deciding to change her running line to directly into me saw me go flat on my front trying to avoid her. But I was straight up and running again, after throwing her a dirty look (to match my dirty hands and knees).

The distances were questionable. The first mile sign came at just over a mile according to my garmin, the second a good 200m before the 2nd mile, the 3rd came when my garmin said 2.6 miles and the 4 mile sign was placed at around about 3.65 miles according to the gps. I didn't know if it was me or the signs that were wrong but after asking some other runners afterwards it seems that they are quite free and easy with the mileage usually. However it didn't spoil the run any.

After crossing the finish line which is parallel to the racecourse itself, you are handed a medal (I love a medal when I've finished a run), a Greggs goody bag, consisting of a cheese and onion pasty, a gingerbread man and an apple, some water and another apple before you go to a stand where you collect your t-shirt.

Looking cream crackered after finishing 

Another medal for the collection

I definitely think that the Age Concern Run organisers can learn a lot from the Gregg's run organisers. The whole set up from Parking to good bag's after was a lot better and it's a run I'm looking forward to doing again next year. 

On Tuesday it was the second Grand Prix of the season at the running club. I was in two minds whether to go due to having an exam on the Wednesday but I am glad I did now, because I finished second and knocked a massive 1 minute 40 seconds off my previous time. To say I was buzzing would be an understatement. Achievements like this remind me why I started running, and why I continue. 

On Saturday I was going to give Park Run a miss due to a massively busy schedule but Graham asked if I was going so I said I would, then my friend Karen said she would come too. There was no PB today but Graham ran alongside me all the way and it was great to have someone who was encouraging me on. He really is a great lad, and managed to convince me to sign up to do one of the half hour slots in his 24 hour treadmill challenge in June. Seeing as I hate treadmills I think he did very well getting me in there. 

This week sees the club running at the Clive Cookson 10k on Wednesday, where my friends are also running, so a sneaky (non-alcoholic) drink beckons afterwards, and then it's the track and field event for the harriers where I am chucking things (shot put and javelin) and hopefully not hitting anyone in the process. 

Catch you all soon! 

Being all the inhabitants of the 100 acre woods.

I've noticed recently that my mood has been dropping again, and I've been feeling more tired than usual. At times like this it's hard to keep motivated and it's hard to see the goals that I'm actually achieving. Little things that wouldn't usually affect me at all have me crying, things that would just slide off my back are getting to me. My sense of humour has taken a sabbatical. It can be hard to juggle being a single parent, a university student, a recovering alcohol addict and a person who lives with a mental health problem. But I am doing it, I might not be a smiley, cheery person at the moment but I won't let this beat me. A good friend of mine once said "I love you, because over a space of time you are all the inhabitants of the 100 acre woods." I think at this moment in time I am in my Eeyore persona.

Depression is an illness that strikes so many people, it takes the lives of so many people. It can be hard to live with, but it's an illness that I am not ashamed of. I know that while I can take steps to try and avoid a depressive episode it is not my fault if I do have one. I know that I will come through this if I just keep on keeping on, and while it may sound flippant it's not meant to be. For me, when I feel like this, it's about just keeping on putting one foot in front of the other and not stopping until I get out of this black place, as tempting as curling up into a ball and just giving up may feel. I am aware that there are ignorant people out there who think it's funny to deride people who are fighting addictions or living with depression, and I had to deal with someone recently who thought they could use my alcohol addiction recovery to try and hurt me, but to be honest it says so much more about them than it does about me.

Anyway back to the running.

Tyne Bridge Harriers held their first Summer Grand Prix run at Jesmond Dene on Tuesday. I didn't really want to go. It was a flat race, which meant no staggered starts and I knew I would be finishing last. When I'm in a more Tigger mood I can live with this, my "at least you're lapping the people sat on the sofa" mindset at this time gets me through. When I'm in my Eeyore state, though, it's hard to be last all the time. It's like being back in the PE class at school, knowing you are trying so hard but being behind everyone else.

Tyne Bridge Harriers are a magnificent club though. They champion every member's achievements. It doesn't matter if you run a 5k in 16 minutes or 36 minutes, if you've done your best they recognise that. So I went to the summer grand prix on Tuesday and just told myself to do my best. I was last, as I knew I would be, BUT I had every single member who was there cheer me over the finish line. The feeling of knowing that all these people were willing me to do my best was amazing. I truly feel like Tyne Bridge Harriers is my club, and my running family.

I have a 10k in two weeks. It's the Sunderland City 10k and it means me heading into enemy territory for the day. I think the challenge of another 10k will do me good, it's times like this that I need the achievement of something to help me get through the depression successfully. I have to focus on the three important things I highlighted in an earlier blog entry, eating correctly, exercising and getting good quality sleep.

I hope when I next blog I have successfully got through my Eeyore stage and I am a different 100 acre woods inhabitant.

Home free

Yesterday saw me compete in my second ever 10k race. This one was a little bit closer to home than my last one, in face it could only have been closer if it started on my front lawn! The start line for the North Tyneside 10k is literally two minutes walk from my front door, starting at the Parks Sports Centre. With about 2500 runners the entrance to the Sports Centre was very busy, with a huge bottleneck of people trying to get in and out of the centre, but I still managed to see a few familiar faces from the running club.

I met up with my friend, Karen, who I go to Newcastle Parkrun with and my fellow Tyne Bridge Harrier, Davina, who has missed a bit of training recently. Karen is way faster than I am, but Davina and I decided to run together at least at the start to encourage each other. This was my first race in the Tyne Bridge Harriers vest and I felt the weight of representing the club quite heavily. I wanted to do them proud. Therefore I may have had a few more butterflies in my tummy than normal before a run.

The Mayor of North Tyneside, Linda Arkley, started the run at 10am and with Davina and I starting from near the back it took about a minute to get through the start. However we got off to a good pace, running the first mile in 10.32 mins. At the end of the second mile was the dreaded priory hill.

This photo doesn't do the hill justice really. 

Really it's two hills. The first one was beaten due to me shouting at myself, gritting my teeth and going for it. With the second one I managed to get about half way up before I stopped to walk, until Davina said she could see Micky, our coach from the Harriers and we thought it would be best to run again or we'd never hear the end of it. It was great to hear Micky and Leodhais shouting encouragement. 

I knew the rest of the race was flat after the priory so decided just to run as well as I could. Davina recovered from the hill a lot better than me, so she moved ahead of me, but I was still chasing her. We got to the 3 mile point and I decided not to partake in the water on offer after the sluicing of my sinuses on the last 10k I did. 

We got to 5k and Davina shouted back to me that we were on for a 1hr 10 minutes 10k which made me feel great. I knew that I felt comfortable at the pace I was going at that point. There were plenty of people to encourage us on, and it felt great to have people clapping and cheering us. A little boy stuck out his hand for a high-5 and that was lovely. 

At about the 4.5 mile point I started to feel the pace. I knew I had started to slow down, and Davina had pulled away a bit. I was still running a mile in 12 mins on average, but I started feeling a bit wobbly. I can't actually remember this part of the run. The next thing I can remember is between miles 5 and 6 when I had to ask 3 times for people to move out of the way while I was running and they were walking the other way towards me. The first two times I just had to say "Excuse me" to the people walking three abreast. The last time I kind of yelled "Can you get out of the way please!" in an annoyed tone as the group of four people with their dog on a longish lead tried to make the run into an obstacle course. I think my not best pleased voice got them to move pretty sharpish, but it seems rather silly that they can see people are running and decide that they are going to try and force you onto the road rather than move over a bit to let you through!

It was between the 5 and 6 mile point that I started to see Tyne Bridge Harriers who had already finished, and who were shouting their support to me, which really helped me. I was finding it hard to keep going now, and had to find something to keep me going. So I decided to focus on David Rathband and what he had to overcome to be able to run. By telling myself that I was running this last mile for him I managed to keep going. A guy in a red tracksuit ran with me for the last mile and we kept each other going which was lovely. Sometimes you need someone next to you to just spur you on. 

I turned the corner onto the road to St Mary's lighthouse and was so pleased to see the 200m to go sign. I wasn't bothered about time at that point, and didn't even look at my watch. As I passed the 100m to go sign a group which included Tyne Bridge Harriers, my friend Karen and my friend Tony and his wife Shirley were yelling at me to keep going. I didn't know I had it left in my legs but managed to get a sprint going, and just beat red-tracksuit man to the finish. A shake of hands, and collecting a great goody bag, with T-shirt, energy gel, water bottle and a form for the Clive Cookson 10k in May gave me time to have a look at my Garmin which I had stopped at the line. 

I nearly fell over! I had knocked 5 minutes and 37 seconds of my PB! I had finished in 1hr 14 mins and 14 seconds. It was so much better than I could have hoped for. Davina came over and grabbed me, then Karen did the same. I was completely buzzing. After grabbing water we made our way to the car park to get a lift back to the Salutation Inn, to meet a couple of friends, Misty and Bernard, who had completed the race too. I had moaned about the lack of a medal at this race, I love a medal, and Misty had made me a medal that I will cherish always and which Bernard presented me with at the pub over my cranberry and soda. It was a lovely end to a great run and one which I would highly recommend to anyone wanting a fast 10k to do. 

My lovely medal, thanks Misty!

Taking 10

After my last 5k run, which was the Great Winter run in Edinburgh in January, it felt like such a long time until the next run. Well no-one told time that, because my very first 10k, The Wrap up and Run 10k, came hurtling at me and arrived like a big scary monster today. After travelling down to Leeds yesterday and staying with my brother overnight, it was just a short journey to Harewood House to make my next step on my journey to the Great North Run. 

Pre-run, there was a great little assembly area with a stage with a PA guy, a baggage tent, a load of portaloos, a coffee/burger van and an ice-cream van. The PA guy kept giving regular updates about when the race would be starting and announced that a warm up session was going to be held before the run. Now these group warm up's aren't really my thing. I like to try and just get into my own zone and do my own warm up, so while the majority of others were doing some aerobics I went through my own dynamic stretching routine. 

Me doing my warm-up routine!

The race was delayed by 5 minutes because of the weight of traffic still trying to get into the venue, but it wasn't long before the PA guy asked all the sub 45 minute runners to line up, followed by the sub 60 minute runners, then finally the runners for over and hour, which was my call. We weren't made to wait for long at all before the race began, and it took about 3 minutes to filter everyone through. 

When I entered this run it was advertised in runners world as a flat road race. I thought that it sounded perfect. The start of the run was on grass for about the first kilometre, before it moved onto trails that you find in most woodlands and it was very muddy in places and where it wasn't it was stony and very uneven. If I had known this I would have bought/borrowed some trail shoes. It was also the Yorkshire type of flat, which is more commonly known as undulating everywhere else. 

Despite this I completed my first 5k in 36 mins 42 seconds, before reaching the drinks station. Due to the water bottles being screw-top I found out that I can't run and drink water at the same time. Well not without giving my sinuses a good rinse out. So I slowed down to a walk to take some water on. Looking back now I shouldn't have bothered and should have just kept running, but hey ho. 

We were warned pre-run about a hill at about the 7km stage. What they didn't say was that it was blooming massive and went on for well over a kilometre and was so steep that there was no way that I could run up it. I got about 1/4 of the way up before I had to stop running. Not even the hill-work at Tyne Bridge Harriers earlier this week was going to get me up this hill. I decided the best thing to do was to walk up it, and save my energy to finish off the run. 

A Kite waiting to pick off any stragglers on the hill. 

As soon as I reached the top of the hill I started to run again. I knew I had less than 2k left, and had a chance of getting to the finish before my target time. I knew I could make it to the end, and so focused on the task in hand. It wasn't long before we were turning back into the field we had started at. As I crossed the finish line I stopped my watch at 1hr 19mins 51 seconds. I was made up. I had wanted to finish before 1hr 20mins and I had squeaked in with 9 seconds to spare. I collected a bottle of water, Mars Bar and T-shirt, no medal booooooooo, and found my brother just outside the finishing area. 

Within minutes of finishing I received a text from the organisers with both my time from the gun and the time from my timing chip crossing the start line, and my chip time was spot on 1hr 19mins 51seconds. Brilliant. I wasn't last either which was my main fear. I checked my pace on my Garmin and had averaged 12.44 per mile which was great, considering the hill of death had certainly taken its toll. 

The biggest downside of the day was trying to get out of Harewood house. We finally got out 1 hour and 20 minutes after I finished! It seriously took me longer to get out the car parking area and back on the road home than it did to run the 10k! However all in all it was a great event. 

Smoother running

Since the Grand Prix I have felt like my running has been going a lot better. At the moment it is about consistently getting out, getting miles under my belt and making little improvements.

I attended the Newcastle Parkrun again this weekend past. After the run I enjoy a cuppa with my good friend, Karen which is one of the highlights of my week, but the run is important too, lol. This week saw the sad death of PC David Rathband, and David was someone who attended the parkrun with his running partner Kerry. So it was apt to mark his death with a minutes silence, a balloon was released and many people, including David's twin brother Darren, ran in Blue Lamp Foundation t-shirts. It proved to be quite a sombre occasion. I decided to run this week for David.

The parkrun this week felt considerably easier than the last one, which I wasn't that happy with. I knew after 2 miles that my pace was considerably faster than the previous parkrun. I kept on going, despite a really strong wind in the last mile, and Karen was waiting at the final corner cheering me on. I crossed the line and found I had knocked a staggering 4 minutes off my last parkrun time. It was a new PB for me, and I was absolutely delighted with it! That was for you David, I hope I did you proud. To see the improvements in my running over time is motivating me to keep going.

I also managed my longest run so far with Tyne Bridge Harriers on Tuesday. 5.11 miles was ramped up on a cold Tuesday night around Byker, along the coast road and then along Chillingham Road. My pace is definitely improving over the longer runs too and that is important for me with my first 10km coming up. However the camaraderie within Tyne Bridge Harriers is something that I am enjoying too. I haven't come across one person who believes they are better than anyone else. Each person's achievement is celebrated no matter who they are.

I hope to run 10km this Sunday for the first time. It is important for me to get the distance broken before the run at Harewood House on Mothering Sunday, mentally more than anything else. I know I can do it, I just have to get out there and hammer it!

Running in circles

Last weekend saw me participate in the Newcastle Parkrun at Exhibition Park in the city centre. It's a weekly free event, you against the clock. All you need is to register on the park run website and print off the barcode that comes in your welcome email and you are set to go. Along with my friend Karen, I headed into Newcastle for 9am for a cold and blustery 5km run. I felt like I had cement in my running shoes. I don't know if it was a lack of running in the week before, or the cold or what, but I felt like I was taking 2 steps forwards and 1 step back all the way round. I finished the course last, and felt like I hadn't put my best in. However I've decided to do the Parkrun on alternate Saturdays with bootcamp on the other Saturday and want to see a marked improvement in my times on this course.

On Tuesday I went to Tyne Bridge Harriers, and signed my papers to join them. Since starting training with them I have felt nothing but made welcome. Despite there being a wide range of abilities there isn't any elitism. I feel like by joining I will improve my running immeasurably. It was their penultimate Grand Prix event on Tuesday evening. Basically its a Yacht handicap system, where the person with the slowest 5km time starts first and the fastest starts last. This means that everyone finishes at about the same time. Naturally I started first with two other lasses, and while one was faster right from the start me and the other one ran the whole route together keeping each other going around the course.

It was nice to not be trailing at the back from the very start. From Glasshouse street we ran to the Pitcher and Piano, across the swing bridge, along to the Millennium bridge and across and then back along to Glasshouse street. I had managed to keep a little bit in my tank to pull away from the lass I had ran with at the very end and finished 5 seconds in front of her, and third from last. I had run the 5km in a time 2 minutes and 43 seconds faster than on the Newcastle Parkrun on the Saturday. I felt so much happier with this effort, and it's set me a bench mark for the final Winter Grand Prix in four weeks.

My number has arrived for my first 10km, the Age Uk Wrap up and Run at Harewood House in Leeds on Mothering Sunday.

I am so nervous about doing this 10km. Like my first 5km I haven't set a specific time that I want to get, I just want to finish my first 10km. It's just another step on my way to the Great North Run. But it will be a step up from what I have achieved before. Before then, though, I just need to keep the training going in. Thanks once again for all your support, I couldn't do it without you all.

Getting it back together

I'm currently in another episode of "low mood". Warning for any lads who don't want to read about women's problems, skip the next paragraph.

Basically since December my period has been continuous with only 7 days where I haven't been bleeding. I am absolutely exhausted. I've been to the doctors, she has done various (unpleasant) tests and everything has come back clear. So now I am on some tablets to stop me from bleeding for the next ten days to give my body a rest and I have to go for an ultrasound scan.

Secondly my middle child is going through a pretty bad spell. She has some emotional problems and has been refusing to go to school meaning that every day is a battle. She has been given a "managed move" so that she can try another school but this has taken a while to get through, and in the meantime her behaviour has been appalling and has been so stressful to me and the other bairns. She is now attending CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services) and I am hoping that this can help her.

These things have obviously had a knock-on effect with my training and also my diet, but I also know that I am needing to get my head back on track. I can't use these as an excuse. So I have decided to draw a line under the last few weeks and this week is the start of new things.

I went to David Fairlamb's bootcamp on Saturday, despite feeling a bit rough with the health problems mentioned earlier, but I wanted to give 100% and was completely shattered when I finished. We had an unusual participant at bootcamp this week. Mark Allison (aka RunGeordieRun) is toying with the idea of doing the London Marathon dressed as a lion (as you do) and so completed bootcamp in his costume. He looked like he had been in a sauna when he took the head off at the end. I can't imagine how he managed it, as I find it hard enough to do bootcamp in jogging pants and 3 layers on a cold day.

I have entered the Blaydon Race in June. So that is another build up run booked in on my journey to the Great North Run in September. It's the same weekend as the Download festival that I was planning to go to, and part of me can't believe that I'm giving up 5 days of rocking out to run from Newcastle to Blaydon, but I know that come June I will have done the right thing. Running is becoming a massively important part of my life.

Then yesterday I had a particularly stressful morning with the bairn, and got home after an hour and a half's struggle to get her to go into school. My head was shouting to hit the bottle or reach for food and I was scared I was going to crack. So I put my running shoes on, headed to Tynemouth and went for a run. I have to use healthy coping strategies to deal with stress and going for a run is certainly preferable to comfort eating and I don't want to break my sobriety after 2 and a half years. Running along the coast is amazing, to be able to focus on the scenery, to be able to put my all in physically and to remember that back in August I could only run for 30 seconds with a 2 minute recovery is certainly better than binging on chocolate.

Then last night I returned to Tyne Bridge Harriers. I am determined to continue running with them, I feel like I can improve massively with them, and think I will be putting my application in to officially join them soon. I was running with Steve last night, and despite being slower than the others he kept me going, setting me small targets and encouraging me on. I know that as the weight comes off I will get faster, I still have a long way to go weight wise but by running, going to bootcamp and eating right I will get there.

As I am feeling tired I am wanting to make sure I get plenty of rest this week, and so I'm setting myself a 10.30pm bedtime this week. It can only do me good. So this next week is about being disciplined. I need to concentrate on my food, my exercise and also my sleep and make sure that I am hitting my targets. I will do it!

I'm lapping people on the sofa

I reached 2 goals since the last post. I reached the landmark of 50lbs lost and I also raised the minimum amount needed for me to do the Great North Run in September. Both goals are absolutely remarkable. The weight loss has made a massive difference in my life. I feel so much better health wise, I feel that I am in control of my weight, not the other way around. The sponsorship target being met means so much more than £400 raised for the NSPCC. In reality it shows me how much my friends and family believe in me. I want to thank each and every one of you who has helped me, not only to reach the £400 for the NSPCC but also for helping me to raise over £500 for Mental Health Matters in the year previous.

I have had a bit of a sore hip at the moment, but with some ice on it after training and some ibuprofen I am not hurting too much. I went to bootcamp on Saturday, and despite it being cold it was an exhilarating experience. I came away from the session feeling like I had worked hard and I knew I had worked hard.

This week saw me try something brand new. For a while my friend Mark, aka Run Geordie Run, has been encouraging me to come along to Tyne Bridge Harriers to go running. I was going to go in November but I picked up the calf strain. Then if I am honest I was too scared to go. Social anxiety is a problem I have to deal with and I have been avoiding going to the club as I was scared that I would be too fat and too slow to run with a group, and I didn't know if I could deal with.

Last night I went to my first training session. I was the slowest in the group, and I was last, but it didn't matter. The group was so encouraging. One of the trainers ran with me, and I managed to complete the circuit. Then I read something this morning that made me think about what I was doing, it said "It doesn't matter how slow you go, you're still lapping those sat on the sofa!" That's what matters to me, I might be the slowest runner BUT I am doing something about it. Last night made me think back to last August when I struggled to run for 30 seconds when I started couch to 5k. Now I have completed two 5k runs, can run 5 miles and am confident that I'll manage the 10k I'm booked in for in March.

I think losing weight, and getting fitter, has a lot to do with mental attitude. If you think you'll fail then you will fail. If you believe you can do it, if you eat less, move more and keep going then you will lose weight, get fitter and feel better. It sounds simple because really it is. Willpower, motivation and dedication is what you need (as Roy Castle would have said). I plan to go back to the running club, and it doesn't matter if I'm the slowest, lagging behind at the back because at least I'm trying and that is the most important thing.

Participate, Enjoy, Suceed.

I travelled up to Edinburgh for my second ever 5k run. The run was the Great Winter Run organised by the same company who organise the Great North Run.

This run was definitely more professionally organised. The pre-run pack included a timing chip for my shoes, my race number with my name on it and loads of information about Edinburgh and the run itself.

I stayed up in Edinburgh on the Friday night and can't fault Premier Inn once again. The staff at Haymarket Premier Inn were really great, warm and friendly.

On the Saturday morning we headed over to Holyrood Park. The park was buzzing with people watching young Scots children running cross-country and they were very impressive.

At 10.50am we lined up and were led in a group warm up. I couldn't see what was going on at the front so at first I tried to copy everyone. In the end I just concentrated on stretching as best I could and getting myself warned up.

There were a lot more people at this event than the last one and we were separated into 4 different starting groups depending on our predicted finish time. I was in the last group to start, Green.

When the run got going it was hard to find my own place to run. For the first half mile people were bunched up before the steep climb began. The uphill section must have continued for about a mile and a half. I found it hard to regulate my breathing, and I was pleased to get to the flatter section. Some people had stopped running and were walking so I passed a lot of people on the uphill section.

After the 2km sign, which also had music blasting, I ditched my gloves as they were annoying the heck out of me. The views were completely stunning, but I didn't have much time to admire them.

My first mile had been slower than I had wanted, due to the vast uphill section, but once the ground was flatter I managed to pick up my pace. I just kept my own run going, occasionally focussing on someone in front as a target to catch up with then once I'd passed them I focused on a new person.

My last mile was the quickest I've ever done at 10.38. It was all downhill and I had to hold myself back, from running even faster. At the mile point I had known I wasn't going to beat my Personal Best from Glasgow, which was 36.37 mins.

As I saw the finish line I heard shouting over my music in my headphones. It was my mam and my two oldest daughters cheering me over the line. After handing over my timing chip, picking up water, a foil blanket and my goody bag I met my family at the well sign posted meet up point.

The organisation of this run was fantastic. There were plenty of marshalls who clapped the runners on around the course. The goody bag included a weighty medal, a training shirt, a bottle of powerade (yuck), an Eat-natural bar, several travel cans of deodorant, some biscuits, some energy sweets, some tissues and body lotion.

By the time I got home to Newcastle I was able to check my official time on the Great Run website and was pleased with the finish time of 38.49, which considering the slow uphill start was better than I thought.

I've been drinking Cherry Active drink after training and did immediately after the run yesterday and can honestly say that my legs felt great today. I've had no aches or stiffness at all.

My next run is in March in Leeds and is a 10k. So now I'm increasing my training run distances. I'm looking forward even more to the Great North Run in September after experiencing Great Run's organisation.

New Year, no excuses.

Well Christmas is well and truly over. I don't think I'd ever write that I was on Tynemouth beach participating in a bootcamp on both Christmas Eve and New Years Eve, but it happened. If this impossible thing can happen then maybe Newcastle CAN win a trophy in my lifetime, well maybe, well ok I know it's unlikely, lol.

I didn't go overboard with my food at Christmas, but I definitely relaxed a bit. Last year (2010) I found Christmas and New Year a really difficult time to deal with being sober. It seemed like everyone was out drinking and it drove me crazy not being able to drink. This year though, drinking hasn't even crossed my mind, and the 2 year and 5 month mark of my sobriety passed without me even noticing. I see this as progress as when I first stopped drinking I was counting hours, not even days, and now months are passing and I didn't even notice.

I weighed myself on Christmas Eve, and again on the 2nd January, and was really surprised and utterly delighted that I had lost 1.5lbs. But instead of making me think "Heck I can just relax my food and I'll still lose weight" it's made me more determined to stick to the healthy lifestyle I was before the depression hit me really badly. I know that for my long term goals to be realised I need to stick to the regime, and that is a healthy diet and exercising.

I am doing the Great Winter Run in Edinburgh this Saturday. This is going to be only my second ever 5k and I'm really looking forward to it. It's hard not to want to beat my time in Glasgow, but I'm going to try and be a realist and just set myself a time I want to beat generally, without taking Glasgow into consideration. I ran 4.13 miles on New Years Day and felt really sluggish and my legs felt really heavy, but I ran 4.22 miles today and was over 4 and a half minutes quicker. This leaves me feeling positive for Saturday. I'm just going to go out there and do my best.

I am also delighted to say that my fundraising for the NSPCC was boosted massively over Christmas and New Year and through my friends generosity currently stands at £351. I feel genuinely humbled by people's belief in me and it spurs me on to keep going. September's Great North Run seems a long way away but I know it will be here before I know it, and so each and every donation means so much. My justgiving page is here if you want to look.  Thank you to everyone who has donated and given me moral support. I can't tell you how much it means.

Reflections

Last week the doctor put me on Zopiclone for alternate nights and it has made a huge difference. To be able to sleep has been fantastic. It has helped me to be able to battle the mood swings and deal with the anxiety a lot better. I am also feeling that although there are times which are hard I have the strength to battle them. 

So I've decided to reflect on what I have done this year and focus on what I aim to do next year. At the start of 2011 I wasn't sure where I was going with my life. I had spent 3 months in hospital with abdominal problems which required 3 lots of surgery before they realised it was my gall bladder. This had left me feeling really depressed, and I got a new care co-ordinator to help me with my ongoing mental health and other problems that stem from Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. 

One of the main things I wanted to tackle was my weight though. I was so unhappy at being the weight I was, it was the heaviest I have ever had. I knew I had to do something about it. This was me at my heaviest, I was so unhappy with how much I weighed. 

And so with the help of my very good friend and motivator Mark Allison and the lads at David Fairlamb fitness  I embarked on my weight loss journey, raising over £520 for Mental Health Matters on the way. I have lost over 3 stone since Easter, and decided that I wanted to give myself a health goal too, and so entered the Great North Run 2012 running for the NSPCC. In October I ran my first ever 5k fun run, in a fairly respectable time of 36 mins 37 seconds which I was absolutely delighted with! 

I am due to run my second 5k run in Edinburgh in the Great Winter Run on January 8th, and have several 10k runs booked in before next September's big one. With help from my magnificent friends and family I have raised nearly half of my sponsorship goal already on my just giving page. I can't believe the financial support I have received, but what means so much more than that is the incredible moral support I have had from my mates. They have shown me that they believe in me and that is what keeps me going. 

This isn't only with the running and fitness though. When depression has hit me they have been there for me, with little messages of support, even when they themselves have been hurting, this was illustrated no more clearly than when Gary Speed tragically left us. At that point I was already struggling with an episode of depression, and even through they themselves were dealing with the shock and grief of losing a hero, I had friend's sending me messages asking how I was coping. I appreciate that so much, I can't even put it into words. However, it wasn't just at this tragic time when I found support. Messages on twitter urging me on meant so much to me, just to know that they cared. Thank you, it has really helped me so much.

And so I am now looking into 2012 and I have set myself some goals for the coming 12 months. I am half way through my first year at University studying Criminology, after receiving 4 unconditional offers. So I want to get my first year completed. Secondly I want to get to my goal weight in 2012. Thirdly I want to achieve my Great North Run goal. I am sure with the continuing help and support from my brilliant friends and family, and also the help from David Fairlamb and his team I will get there and when I reflect on 2012 I want to feel as happy as I feel reflecting on 2011! 

Not up to speed yet.

My run number arrived in the post today for the Great Winter Run in Edinburgh on January 7th. I decided I better start running again.

My period of depression has seen me struggling for several weeks now. I have at times felt suicidal. The desperation and isolation is something I can't describe. The thoughts of suicide aren't really about death, I realise that, but about ending the pain I'm feeling. Depression hurts. People sometimes forget that. Even the numbness hurts, if that makes sense.

I feel that I'm finally coming through the hardest, darkest part of this episode of depression, but I'm still having days when it's really hard to just get going. On Thursday I could literally feel the energy draining out of me. I was unable to stand up without feeling dizzy and weak, I had to go to bed, I couldn't keep my eyes open.

I tried to go for a run this morning. I haven't ran properly since pulling my calf back in November so wasn't sure what to expect. At first I felt that my pace was well down, but at the first mile split it was very, very good. Then I got to 1.5 miles and something happened.

It was if I couldn't run anymore. My body was fine, but I literally couldn't run. I had slowed to a walk, so decided to give myself a couple of minutes. I tried to start running again after that little walk and managed about 2 minutes before I just hit a wall. My head wouldn't let me run. I was furious at myself. There was no-one around and there I was, shouting at myself, trying to get myself going.

In the end I had to concede defeat. I couldn't run anymore and I walked the remaining distance home, feeling angry and disappointed.

I know I'm not 100% mentally at the moment, but I just want to get myself moving physically. My care co-ordinator impresses on me the need to try and keep well physically. But today my body wouldn't respond.

I'm going out for another go tomorrow. I want to get back to where I was before I picked up the calf strain but feel miles away from that now.

Meanwhile I'm trying to count each good day and make then cancel out the bad. I've handed in all my essays at Uni, after getting a weeks extension, and can concentrate on my health at the moment. So my goals over Christmas and the New Year are to exercise, eat right and rest properly to maximise my chances of starting the New Year feeling sharp.

Under a black cloud

We'll start with an update. I picked up a mild calf strain on my last run a couple of weeks ago. Initially it was terrifying not knowing how long I wouldn't be able to run or exercise for. I spent several days with my leg elevated and alternating my high-tech ice pack (bag of mixed veg) and my super-sexy tubi-grip bandage on my calf. Then came the waiting for the pain to go so I could exercise again. Finally this week I realised that my calf did actually feel much better and realised I'd been lucky and it had just been a minor strain. So this morning it was back to beach bootcamp and the wonderful pair of Dave and Tony, who were excellent, reigning me back in to not go off to hard, and ensuring that I was ok. I've never been so terrified before running before (including first ever bootcamp) and I've never spent so long thinking of one muscle, checking constantly how it feels, is it tight, is it hurting, is this normal, is it going to ping on me at any moment? And I came through unscathed and it looks as if my first sports injury has cleared up.

Now on to this blog. I have a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). What this means in real terms to me is that I can be very impulsive, I don't react to stress in a rational way, my emotions can be up and down and can change very, very quickly, I often have trouble liking or accepting myself, I put myself down loads, I am scared that people don't like me and in the past I have used things like alcohol, gambling, self-harming and binge eating/making myself sick to cope with things.

I was diagnosed in my early 20's on my first six month stay in a psychiatric unit. My self-harming at one point was out of control and those of you who have met me might have seen some scars on my arm. They are a constant reminder and a constant shame of mine, I hate them, they represent a weak and sick me. I am busy working on a tattoo sleeve to cover them up. They are the old me, I don't self harm anymore, and haven't cut for over 7 years. I've mentioned my alcoholism before too. My drinking became an enormous problem, taking over my life, but I've been sober now for 2 years and 3 months tomorrow.

Something that goes alongside Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is depression. Over the last couple of weeks I have been hit again with this awful illness. I want to try and share with you what depression is actually like. Depression isn't just a mental illness. For me depression is a physical illness too. I wake up in the morning and there is an immense pressure in my head. I have a thumping headache, I can't stand the light, noise goes right through me. Paracetamol doesn't touch it. And it goes on and on, for days, weeks, months. Walking around jars my head and makes it hurt more.

My muscles ache. They feel fatigued. I feel like I have weights on my arms, legs and a massive backpack on my back filled with sandbags. And I can't take it off, so every movement, every step is an enormous effort. To get out of bed physically exhausts me.

I just want to sleep. For as long as possible, all day and all night if I could. I've been to bootcamp this morning, the effort to get out of bed was massive, the effort to actually get through the bootcamp was enormous, so much more than normal even though I was effectively taking it easy today. I now feel completely wiped out. Normally I come home from bootcamp and feel energised, today I feel great that I've been there, but I am physically tired.

My brain feels like it is mushed. I am a single parent, and have been looking after my girls on my own for 7 years. I am independent, I do everything, I have be responsible (which for someone with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder isn't easy). At this moment in time I struggle at times to finish the sentence I am saying, as I have forgotten what I am saying. I am trying to cope with University, with 6 essays due in all on the same day in December, and my brain can't remember if I've left the oven on, never mind write 2000 words on Marxism. This means that the usual juggle of dealing with school for the girls, dealing with household bills, managing the everyday organisation becomes a massive struggle.

And then I beat myself up! To know that I am unable to do the everyday things, to go to Tesco without panicking about there being loads of people there, to be able to leave the house in the mornings, to go out for a run, to even open the curtains in the morning, to get out of bed is so frustrating, so soul destroying. I get so angry. It doesn't feel fair. I have to fight so hard to be able to do a fraction of what I normally do, it takes so much energy. And here's where I have to admit that I get suicidal thoughts.

This week, in particular, I've been battling hard. I've had moments when I've had to remind myself that I have more good reasons to keep going. My girls are obviously my main motivation, my university place is important to me, but I am also a stubborn bugger and I'll be damned if I am going to let this illness kill me.

Depression can hit anyone, it doesn't matter if you are successful or not in life, it doesn't discriminate. You have to deal with a lot of people who seem to say "What have you got to be depressed about?" Why blame someone for being ill with depression. Think about it, would people have the same reaction to someone with another illness, say diabetes? Epilepsy? Cancer? Depression can hit anyone, the same as these other illnesses.

I'm fighting on, today has been a good morning, a very, very good morning, I got up, I got out of the house, I went to bootcamp. I don't know what this afternoon will bring, or tomorrow, or the day after. I might be stuck in the house tomorrow, unable to do much more than the basics.

There are so many other people out there that feel that their fight has gone, that the only option is suicide, and if you feel like this please do something before deciding on suicide. Contact:

Your GP

http://www.samaritans.org/

http://www.sane.org.uk/

http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/

Or phone 999


This blog post is written in memory of someone who inspired me and motivated me in my battle against alcohol and also in my fight to get fit. She felt this week that she couldn't go on and took her life. She will be missed by so many people: To Angie, there are so many people who have shed tears this week at your passing, I hope you have found the peace and tranquility that was eluding you here. Rest in Peace.

And to a legend of Newcastle United, his death has stunned all of football. I spent hours watching his brilliance, he gave me chinks of sunlight through some dark clouds, and distracted me from my own problems. He was a skillful player, a gentleman and an all round nice guy. Depression and suicide doesn't discriminate, it is a cruel and horrific illness. RIP Gary Speed. 

Goooooaaaaalllllll!!!!!

Saturday saw me back at David Fairlamb's beach bootcamp for the first time in a couple of months, due to family commitments. Boy had I missed it. A year ago a workout on Tynemouth Longsands on a November morning would have sounded like torture but in reality it's amazing! Dave and his team are just magnificent. Before I first started going to the bootcamp I emailed Dave and told him that I was anxious about going because of my size, and I got a lovely email back from him encouraging me to come along. It still took me a couple of months before I plucked up the courage to go though, but I am so pleased I did.

Dave and his lovely assistants (hehehe), Tony and Mark, are probably the most encouraging, motivating and inspirational guys I know (along with my pal Mark Allison). It doesn't really matter what fitness level you are at, Dave and the lads will get the best out of you. There are proper athletes at the bootcamps, and then there is me, lol, plodding along at the back, but still giving 100%. The thing is, though, the whole group is encouraging.

In the photo above is the extremes of bootcamp. Paul is an amazing runner, he recently won the Newcastle Scramble and is super fit, behind him is me, who recently completed their first 5k and when I started bootcamp couldn't run up the hill in the picture once, never mind the three times which is my PB.

However, Paul always has a kind word to say to me, he will urge me on to keep going as he races past and just knowing that he, and the others who also give me positive feedback on my efforts, can see that I am trying my best mean so much to me. It's such a friendly, welcoming, accepting group, plus you have the best looking gym in the world. Nothing beats Tynemouth on a saturday morning, and I much prefer working out there than in a gym looking at the walls. Get yourself down there, I couldn't recommend it highly enough.

On to my weight, and when I was weighed on Monday I had lost 3lbs. After being stuck on 49lbs for several weeks this loss pushed me through the 50lbs lost and on towards my next goal of 56lbs, which would be 4 stone. It's still surreal that I am 50lbs lighter than I was at Easter. All I can say is that it is totally worth taking care with my food and ensuring I'm putting the right fuel in, and doing the exercise too.

I'm thinking of joining a running club and was recommended Tyne Bridge Harriers. I'm hoping to get a babysitter sorted for the little one so that I can get myself along. I have a plan of how I'm going to be able to run 13 miles by next September, and I need to make sure that I have the necessary support along the way. Talking of support, I just want to thank each and every one of you who have sponsored me to get to my target for the NSPCC. If you want to add your support you can at my just giving page here and you can be assured that each and every donation means so much to me, and it really spurs me on to know so many people believe in me.

Right, I'm off for a run. Catch you all soon.

Just did it!

Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been busy with University, which is actually a great thing I guess. So much has happened since my last post. I finished the c25k programme which was amazing. I wasn't sure what I was going to do after c25k and initially thought I would do a bridge to 10k type programme but instead I have starting just using my Nike+ app to help me run further and its working.

So some big news, I have entered the Great North Run for 2012. I will be raising funds for the NSPCC, in fact I have already raised 1/3 of my total on my justgiving page. So its now real, I am now training for what I see as one of the biggest challenges of my life. I have an idea of how I am going to get to be able to run 13.1 miles by next September and have decided that I am going to run a series of organised runs between now and then to get me there. I am also going to keep going to David Fairlamb's bootcamps to improve my general fitness and keep the weight coming off.

So obviously one of my goals when I made the decision to start running was to be able to run an actual 5k and I can now cross that off my list now. Yesterday I competed in my first ever 5k fun run in Glasgow. I was confident that I could do the actual run, and even though publically I said I didn't want to think about a time to run it in I had a personal goal in mind to run it in 42 mins. I still have a long way to go weight wise and so I thought 42 mins would be ok for me.

I've got to say I was nervous before the event, and made us of the portaloo's before the run for a last minute wee. However once we got going I felt great. I made use of my iphone and my Nike+ and didn't look at how others were running, I just wanted to run my own race.

My Nike+ updated me after the first mile and I had ran it in seconds over 12 minutes. I was completely amazed at that, and so I decided that if I could do the second mile in just on 14 minutes I would bring my goal time to 40 mins to complete the 5k. I got to the second mile and my time was 24 minutes and 17 seconds, I really couldn't believe it! I felt comfortable, I felt as if I was running at a pace I could handle and so I decided at that point I wanted to aim for 37 mins to finish in!

The last mile felt brilliant, I kept going, and could see the finish line from different angles for the last kilometre. As I turned the final corner I could see my mam and my two oldest kids and it brought out a burst of speed from me, and I ran past them pumping my fist and yelling "COME ON!!!!"

As I crossed the line I stopped my Nike+ app and it read 36.37 mins. I was ecstatic, I hi-fived a bloke dressed as a teddy bear, I got given my medal and a goody bag (which had a bottle of water and an orange in it, ooooh) and made my way over to my folks. I was completely buzzing, and couldn't stop saying, "I did it in 36 minutes 37 seconds!" My mam said she couldn't believe it when I came around the corner as she hadn't been expecting me for another 5-10 minutes but that I had looked comfortable.

So I had my first run under my belt, and damn it felt good. But I am well aware that there is still a lot of running to be done before the Big One in 2012. So I have more runs entered. I am now in the Great Winter Run in Edinburgh just after New Year, the Wrap Up and Run 10k in Yorkshire in March, the Sunderland City 10k in May and the 2012 Jane Tomlinson 10k event in Leeds in July. I'm sure I will be getting more official run practice too. I want to make sure that I am completely ready before next September.

My weight loss has stabilised over the last few weeks, but I am aware of why this is, and I know what I need to do to get my weight loss going again. Therefore I am going to give myself a kick up the bum to get the pounds moving again. First up is getting back to bootcamp regularly, and I plan to be back there on Saturday. Secondly is making sure my food shopping is better organised, long days at university have meant that there have been times when I have been neglecting to make the sensible choice.

My motivation has been boosted by everyone who has supported me, and getting that first run done has definitely got my resolve back. I still want to have lost 70lbs by Christmas and it's still doable, I just need to be focused.

What a feeling!

Usually on a Saturday morning I go to David Fairlamb's beach bootcamp. I absolutely love it, and if anyone who lives in the North Tyneside/South East Northumberland area is looking for a fun, challenging but supportive workout, which is based on individual goals whether you are someone who is trying to get fit or an established fitness fan then I couldn't recommend this more highly.

This morning, though, I woke up feeling awful. I am definitely developing a cold. So I made the decision to miss bootcamp but I was definitely going for a run today.

When I started running I was so unsure that I could do it that I googled running and found Couch to 5k. This programme takes people like me who cannot run a bath and gets them (if they put the effort in) to be able to run 5k, or for 30 minutes at a time. I had a look around and chose the Felt Tip app for my phone to help me learn how to run.

To explain the couch to 5k (or c25k) programme, it basically starts someone with no running experience and works them up using interval training. When they say start running they mean that you start with 60 seconds of jogging and then 90 seconds of walking repeated over a 20 minute period in week 1. Your week is basically 3 periods (days) of exercise. From that first week they increase the running and decrease the walking in each week until you get to week 9 and you should be able to run a full 30 minutes without stopping. All this on your mp3 player or smart phone!

So I am now at week 8. When I say I am at week 8 it has actually taken me longer than 8 weeks to get to week 8 as I've been on holiday and my running went a bit astray in Florida, the programme allows you to repeat sessions or put it on hold while life gets in a way for a while, but anyway, I'm now at Week 8 day 2.

I've gone from week 1 day 1 where I huffed and puffed my way, feeling like I was struggling to run for 60 seconds without stopping to now on Week 8 day 2 being able to run for 28 minutes without stopping, needing a paramedic or hooking myself up to oxygen half way round.

Now I'm not saying it's a piece of cake, as I'm sure Dave Fairlamb wouldn't want me to be indulging in cake, while I'm trying to lose weight, but I am amazed that I have gone from really finding running to be a terrifying prospect to being able to actually enjoy going for a run.

Today's run was fantastic. Despite it being the warmest October day on record I felt really good as I ran. My legs had felt sluggish on my last run, but today felt loads better. I actually ran further than I had before, and also ran my fastest mile. I use the Nike + app in conjunction with the felt tip app to record my runs, and as I'm the type of person who loves charts, tables and data I can compare my runs, pace, routes etc.

I have worked out a nice little route around where I live which I can extend when I need to increase the time I'm running each week. At the end of each run there is a set of steps up to the road which I make a point of running up, it's like my bonus challenge each run.

I returned home today after my run with sweat completely dripping off me. I felt happily knackered and when I checked my stats on my phone I was delighted to see that I had run further and faster than I had previously.

I have my first proper 5k run in October booked in. I'm doing the Big Fun Run in Glasgow at the end of the month, and I believe that I will do it! With family up there it gives me an excuse to go and visit them, but it feels quite surreal that I have actually entered a 5k run and that I feel that I can complete it.

I really have to recommend you finding a C25K app to help you into running if you want to try and take it up. If you really try and put the commitment into training the C25k will help you to get to a position where you can run 5k.