Under a black cloud

We'll start with an update. I picked up a mild calf strain on my last run a couple of weeks ago. Initially it was terrifying not knowing how long I wouldn't be able to run or exercise for. I spent several days with my leg elevated and alternating my high-tech ice pack (bag of mixed veg) and my super-sexy tubi-grip bandage on my calf. Then came the waiting for the pain to go so I could exercise again. Finally this week I realised that my calf did actually feel much better and realised I'd been lucky and it had just been a minor strain. So this morning it was back to beach bootcamp and the wonderful pair of Dave and Tony, who were excellent, reigning me back in to not go off to hard, and ensuring that I was ok. I've never been so terrified before running before (including first ever bootcamp) and I've never spent so long thinking of one muscle, checking constantly how it feels, is it tight, is it hurting, is this normal, is it going to ping on me at any moment? And I came through unscathed and it looks as if my first sports injury has cleared up.

Now on to this blog. I have a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). What this means in real terms to me is that I can be very impulsive, I don't react to stress in a rational way, my emotions can be up and down and can change very, very quickly, I often have trouble liking or accepting myself, I put myself down loads, I am scared that people don't like me and in the past I have used things like alcohol, gambling, self-harming and binge eating/making myself sick to cope with things.

I was diagnosed in my early 20's on my first six month stay in a psychiatric unit. My self-harming at one point was out of control and those of you who have met me might have seen some scars on my arm. They are a constant reminder and a constant shame of mine, I hate them, they represent a weak and sick me. I am busy working on a tattoo sleeve to cover them up. They are the old me, I don't self harm anymore, and haven't cut for over 7 years. I've mentioned my alcoholism before too. My drinking became an enormous problem, taking over my life, but I've been sober now for 2 years and 3 months tomorrow.

Something that goes alongside Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is depression. Over the last couple of weeks I have been hit again with this awful illness. I want to try and share with you what depression is actually like. Depression isn't just a mental illness. For me depression is a physical illness too. I wake up in the morning and there is an immense pressure in my head. I have a thumping headache, I can't stand the light, noise goes right through me. Paracetamol doesn't touch it. And it goes on and on, for days, weeks, months. Walking around jars my head and makes it hurt more.

My muscles ache. They feel fatigued. I feel like I have weights on my arms, legs and a massive backpack on my back filled with sandbags. And I can't take it off, so every movement, every step is an enormous effort. To get out of bed physically exhausts me.

I just want to sleep. For as long as possible, all day and all night if I could. I've been to bootcamp this morning, the effort to get out of bed was massive, the effort to actually get through the bootcamp was enormous, so much more than normal even though I was effectively taking it easy today. I now feel completely wiped out. Normally I come home from bootcamp and feel energised, today I feel great that I've been there, but I am physically tired.

My brain feels like it is mushed. I am a single parent, and have been looking after my girls on my own for 7 years. I am independent, I do everything, I have be responsible (which for someone with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder isn't easy). At this moment in time I struggle at times to finish the sentence I am saying, as I have forgotten what I am saying. I am trying to cope with University, with 6 essays due in all on the same day in December, and my brain can't remember if I've left the oven on, never mind write 2000 words on Marxism. This means that the usual juggle of dealing with school for the girls, dealing with household bills, managing the everyday organisation becomes a massive struggle.

And then I beat myself up! To know that I am unable to do the everyday things, to go to Tesco without panicking about there being loads of people there, to be able to leave the house in the mornings, to go out for a run, to even open the curtains in the morning, to get out of bed is so frustrating, so soul destroying. I get so angry. It doesn't feel fair. I have to fight so hard to be able to do a fraction of what I normally do, it takes so much energy. And here's where I have to admit that I get suicidal thoughts.

This week, in particular, I've been battling hard. I've had moments when I've had to remind myself that I have more good reasons to keep going. My girls are obviously my main motivation, my university place is important to me, but I am also a stubborn bugger and I'll be damned if I am going to let this illness kill me.

Depression can hit anyone, it doesn't matter if you are successful or not in life, it doesn't discriminate. You have to deal with a lot of people who seem to say "What have you got to be depressed about?" Why blame someone for being ill with depression. Think about it, would people have the same reaction to someone with another illness, say diabetes? Epilepsy? Cancer? Depression can hit anyone, the same as these other illnesses.

I'm fighting on, today has been a good morning, a very, very good morning, I got up, I got out of the house, I went to bootcamp. I don't know what this afternoon will bring, or tomorrow, or the day after. I might be stuck in the house tomorrow, unable to do much more than the basics.

There are so many other people out there that feel that their fight has gone, that the only option is suicide, and if you feel like this please do something before deciding on suicide. Contact:

Your GP

http://www.samaritans.org/

http://www.sane.org.uk/

http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/

Or phone 999


This blog post is written in memory of someone who inspired me and motivated me in my battle against alcohol and also in my fight to get fit. She felt this week that she couldn't go on and took her life. She will be missed by so many people: To Angie, there are so many people who have shed tears this week at your passing, I hope you have found the peace and tranquility that was eluding you here. Rest in Peace.

And to a legend of Newcastle United, his death has stunned all of football. I spent hours watching his brilliance, he gave me chinks of sunlight through some dark clouds, and distracted me from my own problems. He was a skillful player, a gentleman and an all round nice guy. Depression and suicide doesn't discriminate, it is a cruel and horrific illness. RIP Gary Speed. 

We've got a piper down, a piper down!

I went out for a run immediately after my last blog post. I made sure I warmed up and stretched before leaving the house and felt really excellent. Very strong, very happy with how I was going. When I was 3 and a half miles in I started to run up a relatively small hill and immediately felt my calf tighten up. Stupidly I thought it was just a niggle, and so continued running but by the time I got home I knew I was limping as I ran.

Once I was home I knew straight away that I had a problem with my calf muscle, and what started as a bit of an ache proceeded to become something that was damn sore. I immediately contacted David Fairlamb via twitter to find out what I should do and he immediately told me to get some ice on it and rest!

As instructed I have iced my calf for 20 mins at a time with my high-tec ice-pack, aka a bag of frozen mixed-veg pack, several times a day. I have been resting my leg as much as a single mam with three kids who is doing a degree at University can do, I've been taking some paracetamol and ibuprofen and just trying not to worry.

However my goal of doing the Great North Run next year is firmly in the forefront of my mind and I have my runs for next year planned so that I can get to be able to do the half-marathon come next September. So the idea of having no running for at least two weeks, and possibly longer depending on how long this injury takes to heal has really knocked me.

What has really affected me though is how my head has been messed up by this. This part of my blog has been really hard for me to write, and I guess it's because I have to be honest about some really hard stuff. Mental heath is still a taboo subject and one that can be so difficult to share with others, but I feel that it's only right that I am honest about the difficulties I am facing as well as the triumph's that I have on this journey. I feel really depressed by getting injured and I mean really depressed. I have living with depression since I was a teenager, and its a massive part of my underlying illness. My eating in the past has always been an emotional thing, and as soon as depression kicks in my eating goes off the rails. I have also made myself sick in the past to get rid of the food I have eaten

I wish I could say that my eating hasn't been affected but it has. I am really angry that I have allowed myself this to happen. I have struggled with alcoholism, and even though its hard it doesn't compared to my addiction to eating shite. So now I am beating myself up about eating. I have had several times since Tuesday when I have eaten something and felt so angry about it afterwards. I even thought about making myself throw up at one point to purge myself of the food. So now my biggest issue is not the injury, but dealing with the emotions that go along with it.

I am seeing my care manager and my occupational therapist this week, and I will be honest with them about what is happening. The depression has left me feeling tired and I am being so hard on myself. I want to be able to do everything that I see other people doing, and I hate the limitations that the depression puts on me. I also know that this journey is a (half) marathon and not a sprint, and I can't let this blip affect me in the long run.

So now it's about accepting the support I need to get through this spell, making sure I don't start running again before my calf is healed, finding some exercise I can do in the meantime to keep me going and getting my eating back on track. New goals for this little period, but the little goals all lead to the big goal.

Goooooaaaaalllllll!!!!!

Saturday saw me back at David Fairlamb's beach bootcamp for the first time in a couple of months, due to family commitments. Boy had I missed it. A year ago a workout on Tynemouth Longsands on a November morning would have sounded like torture but in reality it's amazing! Dave and his team are just magnificent. Before I first started going to the bootcamp I emailed Dave and told him that I was anxious about going because of my size, and I got a lovely email back from him encouraging me to come along. It still took me a couple of months before I plucked up the courage to go though, but I am so pleased I did.

Dave and his lovely assistants (hehehe), Tony and Mark, are probably the most encouraging, motivating and inspirational guys I know (along with my pal Mark Allison). It doesn't really matter what fitness level you are at, Dave and the lads will get the best out of you. There are proper athletes at the bootcamps, and then there is me, lol, plodding along at the back, but still giving 100%. The thing is, though, the whole group is encouraging.

In the photo above is the extremes of bootcamp. Paul is an amazing runner, he recently won the Newcastle Scramble and is super fit, behind him is me, who recently completed their first 5k and when I started bootcamp couldn't run up the hill in the picture once, never mind the three times which is my PB.

However, Paul always has a kind word to say to me, he will urge me on to keep going as he races past and just knowing that he, and the others who also give me positive feedback on my efforts, can see that I am trying my best mean so much to me. It's such a friendly, welcoming, accepting group, plus you have the best looking gym in the world. Nothing beats Tynemouth on a saturday morning, and I much prefer working out there than in a gym looking at the walls. Get yourself down there, I couldn't recommend it highly enough.

On to my weight, and when I was weighed on Monday I had lost 3lbs. After being stuck on 49lbs for several weeks this loss pushed me through the 50lbs lost and on towards my next goal of 56lbs, which would be 4 stone. It's still surreal that I am 50lbs lighter than I was at Easter. All I can say is that it is totally worth taking care with my food and ensuring I'm putting the right fuel in, and doing the exercise too.

I'm thinking of joining a running club and was recommended Tyne Bridge Harriers. I'm hoping to get a babysitter sorted for the little one so that I can get myself along. I have a plan of how I'm going to be able to run 13 miles by next September, and I need to make sure that I have the necessary support along the way. Talking of support, I just want to thank each and every one of you who have sponsored me to get to my target for the NSPCC. If you want to add your support you can at my just giving page here and you can be assured that each and every donation means so much to me, and it really spurs me on to know so many people believe in me.

Right, I'm off for a run. Catch you all soon.