Reflections

Last week the doctor put me on Zopiclone for alternate nights and it has made a huge difference. To be able to sleep has been fantastic. It has helped me to be able to battle the mood swings and deal with the anxiety a lot better. I am also feeling that although there are times which are hard I have the strength to battle them. 

So I've decided to reflect on what I have done this year and focus on what I aim to do next year. At the start of 2011 I wasn't sure where I was going with my life. I had spent 3 months in hospital with abdominal problems which required 3 lots of surgery before they realised it was my gall bladder. This had left me feeling really depressed, and I got a new care co-ordinator to help me with my ongoing mental health and other problems that stem from Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. 

One of the main things I wanted to tackle was my weight though. I was so unhappy at being the weight I was, it was the heaviest I have ever had. I knew I had to do something about it. This was me at my heaviest, I was so unhappy with how much I weighed. 

And so with the help of my very good friend and motivator Mark Allison and the lads at David Fairlamb fitness  I embarked on my weight loss journey, raising over £520 for Mental Health Matters on the way. I have lost over 3 stone since Easter, and decided that I wanted to give myself a health goal too, and so entered the Great North Run 2012 running for the NSPCC. In October I ran my first ever 5k fun run, in a fairly respectable time of 36 mins 37 seconds which I was absolutely delighted with! 

I am due to run my second 5k run in Edinburgh in the Great Winter Run on January 8th, and have several 10k runs booked in before next September's big one. With help from my magnificent friends and family I have raised nearly half of my sponsorship goal already on my just giving page. I can't believe the financial support I have received, but what means so much more than that is the incredible moral support I have had from my mates. They have shown me that they believe in me and that is what keeps me going. 

This isn't only with the running and fitness though. When depression has hit me they have been there for me, with little messages of support, even when they themselves have been hurting, this was illustrated no more clearly than when Gary Speed tragically left us. At that point I was already struggling with an episode of depression, and even through they themselves were dealing with the shock and grief of losing a hero, I had friend's sending me messages asking how I was coping. I appreciate that so much, I can't even put it into words. However, it wasn't just at this tragic time when I found support. Messages on twitter urging me on meant so much to me, just to know that they cared. Thank you, it has really helped me so much.

And so I am now looking into 2012 and I have set myself some goals for the coming 12 months. I am half way through my first year at University studying Criminology, after receiving 4 unconditional offers. So I want to get my first year completed. Secondly I want to get to my goal weight in 2012. Thirdly I want to achieve my Great North Run goal. I am sure with the continuing help and support from my brilliant friends and family, and also the help from David Fairlamb and his team I will get there and when I reflect on 2012 I want to feel as happy as I feel reflecting on 2011! 

Not up to speed yet.

My run number arrived in the post today for the Great Winter Run in Edinburgh on January 7th. I decided I better start running again.

My period of depression has seen me struggling for several weeks now. I have at times felt suicidal. The desperation and isolation is something I can't describe. The thoughts of suicide aren't really about death, I realise that, but about ending the pain I'm feeling. Depression hurts. People sometimes forget that. Even the numbness hurts, if that makes sense.

I feel that I'm finally coming through the hardest, darkest part of this episode of depression, but I'm still having days when it's really hard to just get going. On Thursday I could literally feel the energy draining out of me. I was unable to stand up without feeling dizzy and weak, I had to go to bed, I couldn't keep my eyes open.

I tried to go for a run this morning. I haven't ran properly since pulling my calf back in November so wasn't sure what to expect. At first I felt that my pace was well down, but at the first mile split it was very, very good. Then I got to 1.5 miles and something happened.

It was if I couldn't run anymore. My body was fine, but I literally couldn't run. I had slowed to a walk, so decided to give myself a couple of minutes. I tried to start running again after that little walk and managed about 2 minutes before I just hit a wall. My head wouldn't let me run. I was furious at myself. There was no-one around and there I was, shouting at myself, trying to get myself going.

In the end I had to concede defeat. I couldn't run anymore and I walked the remaining distance home, feeling angry and disappointed.

I know I'm not 100% mentally at the moment, but I just want to get myself moving physically. My care co-ordinator impresses on me the need to try and keep well physically. But today my body wouldn't respond.

I'm going out for another go tomorrow. I want to get back to where I was before I picked up the calf strain but feel miles away from that now.

Meanwhile I'm trying to count each good day and make then cancel out the bad. I've handed in all my essays at Uni, after getting a weeks extension, and can concentrate on my health at the moment. So my goals over Christmas and the New Year are to exercise, eat right and rest properly to maximise my chances of starting the New Year feeling sharp.

Under a black cloud

We'll start with an update. I picked up a mild calf strain on my last run a couple of weeks ago. Initially it was terrifying not knowing how long I wouldn't be able to run or exercise for. I spent several days with my leg elevated and alternating my high-tech ice pack (bag of mixed veg) and my super-sexy tubi-grip bandage on my calf. Then came the waiting for the pain to go so I could exercise again. Finally this week I realised that my calf did actually feel much better and realised I'd been lucky and it had just been a minor strain. So this morning it was back to beach bootcamp and the wonderful pair of Dave and Tony, who were excellent, reigning me back in to not go off to hard, and ensuring that I was ok. I've never been so terrified before running before (including first ever bootcamp) and I've never spent so long thinking of one muscle, checking constantly how it feels, is it tight, is it hurting, is this normal, is it going to ping on me at any moment? And I came through unscathed and it looks as if my first sports injury has cleared up.

Now on to this blog. I have a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). What this means in real terms to me is that I can be very impulsive, I don't react to stress in a rational way, my emotions can be up and down and can change very, very quickly, I often have trouble liking or accepting myself, I put myself down loads, I am scared that people don't like me and in the past I have used things like alcohol, gambling, self-harming and binge eating/making myself sick to cope with things.

I was diagnosed in my early 20's on my first six month stay in a psychiatric unit. My self-harming at one point was out of control and those of you who have met me might have seen some scars on my arm. They are a constant reminder and a constant shame of mine, I hate them, they represent a weak and sick me. I am busy working on a tattoo sleeve to cover them up. They are the old me, I don't self harm anymore, and haven't cut for over 7 years. I've mentioned my alcoholism before too. My drinking became an enormous problem, taking over my life, but I've been sober now for 2 years and 3 months tomorrow.

Something that goes alongside Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is depression. Over the last couple of weeks I have been hit again with this awful illness. I want to try and share with you what depression is actually like. Depression isn't just a mental illness. For me depression is a physical illness too. I wake up in the morning and there is an immense pressure in my head. I have a thumping headache, I can't stand the light, noise goes right through me. Paracetamol doesn't touch it. And it goes on and on, for days, weeks, months. Walking around jars my head and makes it hurt more.

My muscles ache. They feel fatigued. I feel like I have weights on my arms, legs and a massive backpack on my back filled with sandbags. And I can't take it off, so every movement, every step is an enormous effort. To get out of bed physically exhausts me.

I just want to sleep. For as long as possible, all day and all night if I could. I've been to bootcamp this morning, the effort to get out of bed was massive, the effort to actually get through the bootcamp was enormous, so much more than normal even though I was effectively taking it easy today. I now feel completely wiped out. Normally I come home from bootcamp and feel energised, today I feel great that I've been there, but I am physically tired.

My brain feels like it is mushed. I am a single parent, and have been looking after my girls on my own for 7 years. I am independent, I do everything, I have be responsible (which for someone with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder isn't easy). At this moment in time I struggle at times to finish the sentence I am saying, as I have forgotten what I am saying. I am trying to cope with University, with 6 essays due in all on the same day in December, and my brain can't remember if I've left the oven on, never mind write 2000 words on Marxism. This means that the usual juggle of dealing with school for the girls, dealing with household bills, managing the everyday organisation becomes a massive struggle.

And then I beat myself up! To know that I am unable to do the everyday things, to go to Tesco without panicking about there being loads of people there, to be able to leave the house in the mornings, to go out for a run, to even open the curtains in the morning, to get out of bed is so frustrating, so soul destroying. I get so angry. It doesn't feel fair. I have to fight so hard to be able to do a fraction of what I normally do, it takes so much energy. And here's where I have to admit that I get suicidal thoughts.

This week, in particular, I've been battling hard. I've had moments when I've had to remind myself that I have more good reasons to keep going. My girls are obviously my main motivation, my university place is important to me, but I am also a stubborn bugger and I'll be damned if I am going to let this illness kill me.

Depression can hit anyone, it doesn't matter if you are successful or not in life, it doesn't discriminate. You have to deal with a lot of people who seem to say "What have you got to be depressed about?" Why blame someone for being ill with depression. Think about it, would people have the same reaction to someone with another illness, say diabetes? Epilepsy? Cancer? Depression can hit anyone, the same as these other illnesses.

I'm fighting on, today has been a good morning, a very, very good morning, I got up, I got out of the house, I went to bootcamp. I don't know what this afternoon will bring, or tomorrow, or the day after. I might be stuck in the house tomorrow, unable to do much more than the basics.

There are so many other people out there that feel that their fight has gone, that the only option is suicide, and if you feel like this please do something before deciding on suicide. Contact:

Your GP

http://www.samaritans.org/

http://www.sane.org.uk/

http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/

Or phone 999


This blog post is written in memory of someone who inspired me and motivated me in my battle against alcohol and also in my fight to get fit. She felt this week that she couldn't go on and took her life. She will be missed by so many people: To Angie, there are so many people who have shed tears this week at your passing, I hope you have found the peace and tranquility that was eluding you here. Rest in Peace.

And to a legend of Newcastle United, his death has stunned all of football. I spent hours watching his brilliance, he gave me chinks of sunlight through some dark clouds, and distracted me from my own problems. He was a skillful player, a gentleman and an all round nice guy. Depression and suicide doesn't discriminate, it is a cruel and horrific illness. RIP Gary Speed. 

We've got a piper down, a piper down!

I went out for a run immediately after my last blog post. I made sure I warmed up and stretched before leaving the house and felt really excellent. Very strong, very happy with how I was going. When I was 3 and a half miles in I started to run up a relatively small hill and immediately felt my calf tighten up. Stupidly I thought it was just a niggle, and so continued running but by the time I got home I knew I was limping as I ran.

Once I was home I knew straight away that I had a problem with my calf muscle, and what started as a bit of an ache proceeded to become something that was damn sore. I immediately contacted David Fairlamb via twitter to find out what I should do and he immediately told me to get some ice on it and rest!

As instructed I have iced my calf for 20 mins at a time with my high-tec ice-pack, aka a bag of frozen mixed-veg pack, several times a day. I have been resting my leg as much as a single mam with three kids who is doing a degree at University can do, I've been taking some paracetamol and ibuprofen and just trying not to worry.

However my goal of doing the Great North Run next year is firmly in the forefront of my mind and I have my runs for next year planned so that I can get to be able to do the half-marathon come next September. So the idea of having no running for at least two weeks, and possibly longer depending on how long this injury takes to heal has really knocked me.

What has really affected me though is how my head has been messed up by this. This part of my blog has been really hard for me to write, and I guess it's because I have to be honest about some really hard stuff. Mental heath is still a taboo subject and one that can be so difficult to share with others, but I feel that it's only right that I am honest about the difficulties I am facing as well as the triumph's that I have on this journey. I feel really depressed by getting injured and I mean really depressed. I have living with depression since I was a teenager, and its a massive part of my underlying illness. My eating in the past has always been an emotional thing, and as soon as depression kicks in my eating goes off the rails. I have also made myself sick in the past to get rid of the food I have eaten

I wish I could say that my eating hasn't been affected but it has. I am really angry that I have allowed myself this to happen. I have struggled with alcoholism, and even though its hard it doesn't compared to my addiction to eating shite. So now I am beating myself up about eating. I have had several times since Tuesday when I have eaten something and felt so angry about it afterwards. I even thought about making myself throw up at one point to purge myself of the food. So now my biggest issue is not the injury, but dealing with the emotions that go along with it.

I am seeing my care manager and my occupational therapist this week, and I will be honest with them about what is happening. The depression has left me feeling tired and I am being so hard on myself. I want to be able to do everything that I see other people doing, and I hate the limitations that the depression puts on me. I also know that this journey is a (half) marathon and not a sprint, and I can't let this blip affect me in the long run.

So now it's about accepting the support I need to get through this spell, making sure I don't start running again before my calf is healed, finding some exercise I can do in the meantime to keep me going and getting my eating back on track. New goals for this little period, but the little goals all lead to the big goal.

Goooooaaaaalllllll!!!!!

Saturday saw me back at David Fairlamb's beach bootcamp for the first time in a couple of months, due to family commitments. Boy had I missed it. A year ago a workout on Tynemouth Longsands on a November morning would have sounded like torture but in reality it's amazing! Dave and his team are just magnificent. Before I first started going to the bootcamp I emailed Dave and told him that I was anxious about going because of my size, and I got a lovely email back from him encouraging me to come along. It still took me a couple of months before I plucked up the courage to go though, but I am so pleased I did.

Dave and his lovely assistants (hehehe), Tony and Mark, are probably the most encouraging, motivating and inspirational guys I know (along with my pal Mark Allison). It doesn't really matter what fitness level you are at, Dave and the lads will get the best out of you. There are proper athletes at the bootcamps, and then there is me, lol, plodding along at the back, but still giving 100%. The thing is, though, the whole group is encouraging.

In the photo above is the extremes of bootcamp. Paul is an amazing runner, he recently won the Newcastle Scramble and is super fit, behind him is me, who recently completed their first 5k and when I started bootcamp couldn't run up the hill in the picture once, never mind the three times which is my PB.

However, Paul always has a kind word to say to me, he will urge me on to keep going as he races past and just knowing that he, and the others who also give me positive feedback on my efforts, can see that I am trying my best mean so much to me. It's such a friendly, welcoming, accepting group, plus you have the best looking gym in the world. Nothing beats Tynemouth on a saturday morning, and I much prefer working out there than in a gym looking at the walls. Get yourself down there, I couldn't recommend it highly enough.

On to my weight, and when I was weighed on Monday I had lost 3lbs. After being stuck on 49lbs for several weeks this loss pushed me through the 50lbs lost and on towards my next goal of 56lbs, which would be 4 stone. It's still surreal that I am 50lbs lighter than I was at Easter. All I can say is that it is totally worth taking care with my food and ensuring I'm putting the right fuel in, and doing the exercise too.

I'm thinking of joining a running club and was recommended Tyne Bridge Harriers. I'm hoping to get a babysitter sorted for the little one so that I can get myself along. I have a plan of how I'm going to be able to run 13 miles by next September, and I need to make sure that I have the necessary support along the way. Talking of support, I just want to thank each and every one of you who have sponsored me to get to my target for the NSPCC. If you want to add your support you can at my just giving page here and you can be assured that each and every donation means so much to me, and it really spurs me on to know so many people believe in me.

Right, I'm off for a run. Catch you all soon.

Just did it!

Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been busy with University, which is actually a great thing I guess. So much has happened since my last post. I finished the c25k programme which was amazing. I wasn't sure what I was going to do after c25k and initially thought I would do a bridge to 10k type programme but instead I have starting just using my Nike+ app to help me run further and its working.

So some big news, I have entered the Great North Run for 2012. I will be raising funds for the NSPCC, in fact I have already raised 1/3 of my total on my justgiving page. So its now real, I am now training for what I see as one of the biggest challenges of my life. I have an idea of how I am going to get to be able to run 13.1 miles by next September and have decided that I am going to run a series of organised runs between now and then to get me there. I am also going to keep going to David Fairlamb's bootcamps to improve my general fitness and keep the weight coming off.

So obviously one of my goals when I made the decision to start running was to be able to run an actual 5k and I can now cross that off my list now. Yesterday I competed in my first ever 5k fun run in Glasgow. I was confident that I could do the actual run, and even though publically I said I didn't want to think about a time to run it in I had a personal goal in mind to run it in 42 mins. I still have a long way to go weight wise and so I thought 42 mins would be ok for me.

I've got to say I was nervous before the event, and made us of the portaloo's before the run for a last minute wee. However once we got going I felt great. I made use of my iphone and my Nike+ and didn't look at how others were running, I just wanted to run my own race.

My Nike+ updated me after the first mile and I had ran it in seconds over 12 minutes. I was completely amazed at that, and so I decided that if I could do the second mile in just on 14 minutes I would bring my goal time to 40 mins to complete the 5k. I got to the second mile and my time was 24 minutes and 17 seconds, I really couldn't believe it! I felt comfortable, I felt as if I was running at a pace I could handle and so I decided at that point I wanted to aim for 37 mins to finish in!

The last mile felt brilliant, I kept going, and could see the finish line from different angles for the last kilometre. As I turned the final corner I could see my mam and my two oldest kids and it brought out a burst of speed from me, and I ran past them pumping my fist and yelling "COME ON!!!!"

As I crossed the line I stopped my Nike+ app and it read 36.37 mins. I was ecstatic, I hi-fived a bloke dressed as a teddy bear, I got given my medal and a goody bag (which had a bottle of water and an orange in it, ooooh) and made my way over to my folks. I was completely buzzing, and couldn't stop saying, "I did it in 36 minutes 37 seconds!" My mam said she couldn't believe it when I came around the corner as she hadn't been expecting me for another 5-10 minutes but that I had looked comfortable.

So I had my first run under my belt, and damn it felt good. But I am well aware that there is still a lot of running to be done before the Big One in 2012. So I have more runs entered. I am now in the Great Winter Run in Edinburgh just after New Year, the Wrap Up and Run 10k in Yorkshire in March, the Sunderland City 10k in May and the 2012 Jane Tomlinson 10k event in Leeds in July. I'm sure I will be getting more official run practice too. I want to make sure that I am completely ready before next September.

My weight loss has stabilised over the last few weeks, but I am aware of why this is, and I know what I need to do to get my weight loss going again. Therefore I am going to give myself a kick up the bum to get the pounds moving again. First up is getting back to bootcamp regularly, and I plan to be back there on Saturday. Secondly is making sure my food shopping is better organised, long days at university have meant that there have been times when I have been neglecting to make the sensible choice.

My motivation has been boosted by everyone who has supported me, and getting that first run done has definitely got my resolve back. I still want to have lost 70lbs by Christmas and it's still doable, I just need to be focused.

week 8 finished

After yesterday's run I felt great today and so decided to go out for another run today. I knew I wanted to add a wee bit more distance in my run today, just a very small amount to try and break 4k. I got 3.99k yesterday and so it was a target I set for myself.

I use Nike + on my phone to record my distance and pace on my runs as well as using the c25k app too. I have noticed at times it doesn't record the distance as accurately as I would like but it's never bothered me before. Today I felt I had ran really well. I added that little bit extra to my run and as I got home felt delighted to know I had completed Week 8 day 3.

I stopped the Nike app as I reached the front door and was really annoyed to see that my GPS signal had dropped about half a mile from home and so it had only recorded part of my run. I felt really deflated for a while. I'm in a group with some really good friends on Twitter and we have a challenge to see who runs furthest in the month. Now they are infinitely fitter than I am, and I know I will not be able to compete with them seriously. But my half a mile now doesn't count, and I felt robbed!

Then I stopped and made myself think. Here I am today, completing what was a 4k run, whatever Nike+ says or not. I did it without stopping. I did it! I have completed 8 weeks of the c25k programme. That is one hell of an achievement! And I stopped being cross about not having the half mile recorded and focused on what I had actually done.

I'm now on the final week of the c25k programme. It was such a daunting prospect when I started. But here I am, 4 weeks until my first 5k fun run and right on track to be able to complete it.

When I was away in Florida I did gain some weight. Not a huge amount, and certainly not what I would have gained had I not made the changes in my life that I have. I was more relaxed about my eating while away, but I did make sensible choices a lot of the times too. When I weighed myself when I got home I certainly wasn't devastated.

I weighed myself again today and found I have lost 7lbs since I got back. I am really delighted at that. It feels like I am back on track. I have a busy week this week at University and my mam, who is a great support to me, is away on her holidays to Tenerife, and so I need to be organised, both for me and my girls. So I am going to sit tonight and plan the meals for this week so that I am can keep things together when my time is more limited.

I have found that mentality is a massive part of successful life changes. If you are mentally right to make changes in your life it makes the actually physical processes so much easier. I've also found that by breaking goals into smaller more manageable pieces makes them far easier to hit. This is probably the best advice I could give anyone. Take any huge challenge and break it into smaller chunks. If you can achieve the smaller goals then you will naturally achieve the more massive one.

Hope you all have a great week. Keep on keeping on.

What a feeling!

Usually on a Saturday morning I go to David Fairlamb's beach bootcamp. I absolutely love it, and if anyone who lives in the North Tyneside/South East Northumberland area is looking for a fun, challenging but supportive workout, which is based on individual goals whether you are someone who is trying to get fit or an established fitness fan then I couldn't recommend this more highly.

This morning, though, I woke up feeling awful. I am definitely developing a cold. So I made the decision to miss bootcamp but I was definitely going for a run today.

When I started running I was so unsure that I could do it that I googled running and found Couch to 5k. This programme takes people like me who cannot run a bath and gets them (if they put the effort in) to be able to run 5k, or for 30 minutes at a time. I had a look around and chose the Felt Tip app for my phone to help me learn how to run.

To explain the couch to 5k (or c25k) programme, it basically starts someone with no running experience and works them up using interval training. When they say start running they mean that you start with 60 seconds of jogging and then 90 seconds of walking repeated over a 20 minute period in week 1. Your week is basically 3 periods (days) of exercise. From that first week they increase the running and decrease the walking in each week until you get to week 9 and you should be able to run a full 30 minutes without stopping. All this on your mp3 player or smart phone!

So I am now at week 8. When I say I am at week 8 it has actually taken me longer than 8 weeks to get to week 8 as I've been on holiday and my running went a bit astray in Florida, the programme allows you to repeat sessions or put it on hold while life gets in a way for a while, but anyway, I'm now at Week 8 day 2.

I've gone from week 1 day 1 where I huffed and puffed my way, feeling like I was struggling to run for 60 seconds without stopping to now on Week 8 day 2 being able to run for 28 minutes without stopping, needing a paramedic or hooking myself up to oxygen half way round.

Now I'm not saying it's a piece of cake, as I'm sure Dave Fairlamb wouldn't want me to be indulging in cake, while I'm trying to lose weight, but I am amazed that I have gone from really finding running to be a terrifying prospect to being able to actually enjoy going for a run.

Today's run was fantastic. Despite it being the warmest October day on record I felt really good as I ran. My legs had felt sluggish on my last run, but today felt loads better. I actually ran further than I had before, and also ran my fastest mile. I use the Nike + app in conjunction with the felt tip app to record my runs, and as I'm the type of person who loves charts, tables and data I can compare my runs, pace, routes etc.

I have worked out a nice little route around where I live which I can extend when I need to increase the time I'm running each week. At the end of each run there is a set of steps up to the road which I make a point of running up, it's like my bonus challenge each run.

I returned home today after my run with sweat completely dripping off me. I felt happily knackered and when I checked my stats on my phone I was delighted to see that I had run further and faster than I had previously.

I have my first proper 5k run in October booked in. I'm doing the Big Fun Run in Glasgow at the end of the month, and I believe that I will do it! With family up there it gives me an excuse to go and visit them, but it feels quite surreal that I have actually entered a 5k run and that I feel that I can complete it.

I really have to recommend you finding a C25K app to help you into running if you want to try and take it up. If you really try and put the commitment into training the C25k will help you to get to a position where you can run 5k.

The story so far

Ok bear with me, it's a bit of a long story.

Just over two years ago I was a complete mess.

I had an alcohol problem, I had money problems, I was morbidly obese, I had severe mental health problems, had been divorced from my ex-husband and I was living on benefits with no real aspirations. My life was effectively over and I wasn't even 35.

And then I stopped drinking.

It wasn't a momentary decision, it took many weeks of psyching myself up, and getting a support network of my few remaining friends and family together. However, I set a date of the 27th July 2009 when I would have my last drink.

I stopped drinking. It was the worst physical experience I have had. I literally thought I was going to die, but obviously I didn't. With the help, love and support of some fabulous people I not only managed to stop drinking but am now over 2 years sober.

My weight was still a problem. Just before I stopped drinking I was diagnosed as Type 2 diabetic. Once I had got the drink under control and to a point where I felt that I wasn't struggling against it, I decided to start losing the weight.

When I stepped on the scales for the first time I nearly died. I'm not ready to share what they said, but it was heavier than I had imagined. It was a case of I had saved my life once by getting rid of the alcohol, I needed to save my life again by getting rid of the weight.

At Easter this year (2011) and with the support of a great friend, inspiration and motivation, www.rungeordierun.com I started losing weight. I started walking and started following a healthy eating plan. I also closely followed Mark's run across the USA, using his blog entries to motivate me when I was struggling with my weight loss and exercise plan.

In the summer I decided to start attending David Fairlamb's bootcamps which frightened the life out of me. I didn't actually believe I would complete one bootcamp. However, with the help and support of Dave, Steve and Tony I have not only gone from one bootcamp a week but now regularly attend 3 a week and can run up this hill twice!

I have also started running on my own, and have entered my first 5k run at the end of October. I also decided to raise money for Mental Health Matters and have raised over £450 so far.  I also applied to University earlier this year, and got 4 unconditional offers to study, and am now a Criminology student, studying for a Bsc Degree.

But even better than that, I have lost over 3 stone (42lbs) and after having another Glucose Tolerance Test the doctor told me I am no longer diabetic. However I still have a lot more weight to lose and a lot more miles to run

So this is my blog. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for people to say "wow isn't she great!", it's basically a diary to keep me motivated. I just wanted to invite you along to share the journey with me. I might talk about my struggle against the alcohol at times, I might talk about how my running or training is going, I might talk about my diet or I might talk about my fundraising. But mainly it's just about me and how I'm doing.