Being all the inhabitants of the 100 acre woods.

I've noticed recently that my mood has been dropping again, and I've been feeling more tired than usual. At times like this it's hard to keep motivated and it's hard to see the goals that I'm actually achieving. Little things that wouldn't usually affect me at all have me crying, things that would just slide off my back are getting to me. My sense of humour has taken a sabbatical. It can be hard to juggle being a single parent, a university student, a recovering alcohol addict and a person who lives with a mental health problem. But I am doing it, I might not be a smiley, cheery person at the moment but I won't let this beat me. A good friend of mine once said "I love you, because over a space of time you are all the inhabitants of the 100 acre woods." I think at this moment in time I am in my Eeyore persona.

Depression is an illness that strikes so many people, it takes the lives of so many people. It can be hard to live with, but it's an illness that I am not ashamed of. I know that while I can take steps to try and avoid a depressive episode it is not my fault if I do have one. I know that I will come through this if I just keep on keeping on, and while it may sound flippant it's not meant to be. For me, when I feel like this, it's about just keeping on putting one foot in front of the other and not stopping until I get out of this black place, as tempting as curling up into a ball and just giving up may feel. I am aware that there are ignorant people out there who think it's funny to deride people who are fighting addictions or living with depression, and I had to deal with someone recently who thought they could use my alcohol addiction recovery to try and hurt me, but to be honest it says so much more about them than it does about me.

Anyway back to the running.

Tyne Bridge Harriers held their first Summer Grand Prix run at Jesmond Dene on Tuesday. I didn't really want to go. It was a flat race, which meant no staggered starts and I knew I would be finishing last. When I'm in a more Tigger mood I can live with this, my "at least you're lapping the people sat on the sofa" mindset at this time gets me through. When I'm in my Eeyore state, though, it's hard to be last all the time. It's like being back in the PE class at school, knowing you are trying so hard but being behind everyone else.

Tyne Bridge Harriers are a magnificent club though. They champion every member's achievements. It doesn't matter if you run a 5k in 16 minutes or 36 minutes, if you've done your best they recognise that. So I went to the summer grand prix on Tuesday and just told myself to do my best. I was last, as I knew I would be, BUT I had every single member who was there cheer me over the finish line. The feeling of knowing that all these people were willing me to do my best was amazing. I truly feel like Tyne Bridge Harriers is my club, and my running family.

I have a 10k in two weeks. It's the Sunderland City 10k and it means me heading into enemy territory for the day. I think the challenge of another 10k will do me good, it's times like this that I need the achievement of something to help me get through the depression successfully. I have to focus on the three important things I highlighted in an earlier blog entry, eating correctly, exercising and getting good quality sleep.

I hope when I next blog I have successfully got through my Eeyore stage and I am a different 100 acre woods inhabitant.

Reflections

Last week the doctor put me on Zopiclone for alternate nights and it has made a huge difference. To be able to sleep has been fantastic. It has helped me to be able to battle the mood swings and deal with the anxiety a lot better. I am also feeling that although there are times which are hard I have the strength to battle them. 

So I've decided to reflect on what I have done this year and focus on what I aim to do next year. At the start of 2011 I wasn't sure where I was going with my life. I had spent 3 months in hospital with abdominal problems which required 3 lots of surgery before they realised it was my gall bladder. This had left me feeling really depressed, and I got a new care co-ordinator to help me with my ongoing mental health and other problems that stem from Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. 

One of the main things I wanted to tackle was my weight though. I was so unhappy at being the weight I was, it was the heaviest I have ever had. I knew I had to do something about it. This was me at my heaviest, I was so unhappy with how much I weighed. 

And so with the help of my very good friend and motivator Mark Allison and the lads at David Fairlamb fitness  I embarked on my weight loss journey, raising over £520 for Mental Health Matters on the way. I have lost over 3 stone since Easter, and decided that I wanted to give myself a health goal too, and so entered the Great North Run 2012 running for the NSPCC. In October I ran my first ever 5k fun run, in a fairly respectable time of 36 mins 37 seconds which I was absolutely delighted with! 

I am due to run my second 5k run in Edinburgh in the Great Winter Run on January 8th, and have several 10k runs booked in before next September's big one. With help from my magnificent friends and family I have raised nearly half of my sponsorship goal already on my just giving page. I can't believe the financial support I have received, but what means so much more than that is the incredible moral support I have had from my mates. They have shown me that they believe in me and that is what keeps me going. 

This isn't only with the running and fitness though. When depression has hit me they have been there for me, with little messages of support, even when they themselves have been hurting, this was illustrated no more clearly than when Gary Speed tragically left us. At that point I was already struggling with an episode of depression, and even through they themselves were dealing with the shock and grief of losing a hero, I had friend's sending me messages asking how I was coping. I appreciate that so much, I can't even put it into words. However, it wasn't just at this tragic time when I found support. Messages on twitter urging me on meant so much to me, just to know that they cared. Thank you, it has really helped me so much.

And so I am now looking into 2012 and I have set myself some goals for the coming 12 months. I am half way through my first year at University studying Criminology, after receiving 4 unconditional offers. So I want to get my first year completed. Secondly I want to get to my goal weight in 2012. Thirdly I want to achieve my Great North Run goal. I am sure with the continuing help and support from my brilliant friends and family, and also the help from David Fairlamb and his team I will get there and when I reflect on 2012 I want to feel as happy as I feel reflecting on 2011! 

Under a black cloud

We'll start with an update. I picked up a mild calf strain on my last run a couple of weeks ago. Initially it was terrifying not knowing how long I wouldn't be able to run or exercise for. I spent several days with my leg elevated and alternating my high-tech ice pack (bag of mixed veg) and my super-sexy tubi-grip bandage on my calf. Then came the waiting for the pain to go so I could exercise again. Finally this week I realised that my calf did actually feel much better and realised I'd been lucky and it had just been a minor strain. So this morning it was back to beach bootcamp and the wonderful pair of Dave and Tony, who were excellent, reigning me back in to not go off to hard, and ensuring that I was ok. I've never been so terrified before running before (including first ever bootcamp) and I've never spent so long thinking of one muscle, checking constantly how it feels, is it tight, is it hurting, is this normal, is it going to ping on me at any moment? And I came through unscathed and it looks as if my first sports injury has cleared up.

Now on to this blog. I have a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). What this means in real terms to me is that I can be very impulsive, I don't react to stress in a rational way, my emotions can be up and down and can change very, very quickly, I often have trouble liking or accepting myself, I put myself down loads, I am scared that people don't like me and in the past I have used things like alcohol, gambling, self-harming and binge eating/making myself sick to cope with things.

I was diagnosed in my early 20's on my first six month stay in a psychiatric unit. My self-harming at one point was out of control and those of you who have met me might have seen some scars on my arm. They are a constant reminder and a constant shame of mine, I hate them, they represent a weak and sick me. I am busy working on a tattoo sleeve to cover them up. They are the old me, I don't self harm anymore, and haven't cut for over 7 years. I've mentioned my alcoholism before too. My drinking became an enormous problem, taking over my life, but I've been sober now for 2 years and 3 months tomorrow.

Something that goes alongside Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is depression. Over the last couple of weeks I have been hit again with this awful illness. I want to try and share with you what depression is actually like. Depression isn't just a mental illness. For me depression is a physical illness too. I wake up in the morning and there is an immense pressure in my head. I have a thumping headache, I can't stand the light, noise goes right through me. Paracetamol doesn't touch it. And it goes on and on, for days, weeks, months. Walking around jars my head and makes it hurt more.

My muscles ache. They feel fatigued. I feel like I have weights on my arms, legs and a massive backpack on my back filled with sandbags. And I can't take it off, so every movement, every step is an enormous effort. To get out of bed physically exhausts me.

I just want to sleep. For as long as possible, all day and all night if I could. I've been to bootcamp this morning, the effort to get out of bed was massive, the effort to actually get through the bootcamp was enormous, so much more than normal even though I was effectively taking it easy today. I now feel completely wiped out. Normally I come home from bootcamp and feel energised, today I feel great that I've been there, but I am physically tired.

My brain feels like it is mushed. I am a single parent, and have been looking after my girls on my own for 7 years. I am independent, I do everything, I have be responsible (which for someone with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder isn't easy). At this moment in time I struggle at times to finish the sentence I am saying, as I have forgotten what I am saying. I am trying to cope with University, with 6 essays due in all on the same day in December, and my brain can't remember if I've left the oven on, never mind write 2000 words on Marxism. This means that the usual juggle of dealing with school for the girls, dealing with household bills, managing the everyday organisation becomes a massive struggle.

And then I beat myself up! To know that I am unable to do the everyday things, to go to Tesco without panicking about there being loads of people there, to be able to leave the house in the mornings, to go out for a run, to even open the curtains in the morning, to get out of bed is so frustrating, so soul destroying. I get so angry. It doesn't feel fair. I have to fight so hard to be able to do a fraction of what I normally do, it takes so much energy. And here's where I have to admit that I get suicidal thoughts.

This week, in particular, I've been battling hard. I've had moments when I've had to remind myself that I have more good reasons to keep going. My girls are obviously my main motivation, my university place is important to me, but I am also a stubborn bugger and I'll be damned if I am going to let this illness kill me.

Depression can hit anyone, it doesn't matter if you are successful or not in life, it doesn't discriminate. You have to deal with a lot of people who seem to say "What have you got to be depressed about?" Why blame someone for being ill with depression. Think about it, would people have the same reaction to someone with another illness, say diabetes? Epilepsy? Cancer? Depression can hit anyone, the same as these other illnesses.

I'm fighting on, today has been a good morning, a very, very good morning, I got up, I got out of the house, I went to bootcamp. I don't know what this afternoon will bring, or tomorrow, or the day after. I might be stuck in the house tomorrow, unable to do much more than the basics.

There are so many other people out there that feel that their fight has gone, that the only option is suicide, and if you feel like this please do something before deciding on suicide. Contact:

Your GP

http://www.samaritans.org/

http://www.sane.org.uk/

http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/

Or phone 999


This blog post is written in memory of someone who inspired me and motivated me in my battle against alcohol and also in my fight to get fit. She felt this week that she couldn't go on and took her life. She will be missed by so many people: To Angie, there are so many people who have shed tears this week at your passing, I hope you have found the peace and tranquility that was eluding you here. Rest in Peace.

And to a legend of Newcastle United, his death has stunned all of football. I spent hours watching his brilliance, he gave me chinks of sunlight through some dark clouds, and distracted me from my own problems. He was a skillful player, a gentleman and an all round nice guy. Depression and suicide doesn't discriminate, it is a cruel and horrific illness. RIP Gary Speed.