Just keep plodding

So the cortisone injection hasn't made much, if any difference. Despite regularly going to the gym and swimming a mile at a time and/or cycling 20-25km I still can't walk comfortably. I'm having to take Tramadol to deal with the pain. This is having an adverse affect on my mental health, as living with constant pain is wearing me down. I feel like I'm limited in what I do. I'm having to use my crutches almost constantly.

So I was scheduled to have a treatment known as GPS on July 2nd. Arriving at the hospital at 7.30 I was quickly settled into a 4 bay room where I went through the general questions and consent forms that are necessary with any medical procedure.

My left leg was marked up so that they made sure they were doing the procedure on the correct foot. 

Then I was whisked off to theatre. Despite the procedure being done under local anaesthetic it has to be done in an operating theatre for safety reasons. After numerous checks to make sure I was who they said I was, and hadn't hopped off the trolley and smuggled an impostor in, the registrar cleaned my foot with antiseptic and then injected the base of my foot with local anaesthetic. Oh my goodness! The pain of having that done is unbelievable, and all I could do was try to keep breathing and just tell myself it would be over soon. My foot was soon starting to feel tingly and then numb. While the doctor was waiting for the local anaesthetic to work he took some blood from my arm, 30mls to be precise. 

The blood is placed into a special tube, and then placed in a centrifuge machine to spin it around really fast. This separates the red cells from the white cells, and then the plasma part of the blood is re injected into the affected foot. 

This process takes around 18-20 minutes, and so it gave plenty of time for my foot to numb up. The doctor was happy to talk about the procedure, telling me that in 80% of cases it works and the foot pain clears up completely. The plasma is injected because the fibrous tissue in that part of the foot doesn't have a great blood flow and so this gets the healing cells straight to where they are needed. 

Once the blood had been spun, it was removed from the machine. The doctor showed me how the red blood cells were at the top of the tube, there was a pinky coloured substance in the middle which was the plasma, and a clear substance at the bottom. The doctor pulled the red blood cells out of the tube with a syringe, and discarded that into the medical waste, then he drew 3mls of the plasma into a syringe and injected that into the base of my foot. This wasn't as bad as the local anaesthetic going in, as obviously my foot was numb. 

After that had been done, and a sticky plaster placed over the injection site I was taken into recovery, just to make sure my blood pressure and pulse was ok and then it was back to the ward for tea, toast and to be presented with my new best friend, my moonboot. 

The boot is there to keep my foot and ankle in one position. For the first three days I had to keep the boot on constantly for 24 hours, then until the first week was up I had to keep it on 24 hours a day apart from when I was washing. This happened to coincide with the hottest spell of weather that Britain has had for years. Typical. Add the boot to a pair of shoulder crutches for the first week, and I was pretty much set to go home. 

Trying to stay off my feet for 3 days was unbelievably hard. I didn't realise how much I actually moved around. Getting upstairs to the bathroom, or even just from the sofa to the kitchen was a struggle. It's really frustrating when you can't get from A to B faster than a snail. After the first week I was allowed to take the boot off at night, but had to wear it the rest of the time, to give my foot a chance to heal. I noticed almost immediately that having the support from the boot helped immensely. But after a couple of days I noticed a strange feeling in my second and third toe, and it feels as if there is slight nerve damage, with my toes either feeling numb or tingly. 

I'm now a month on from the procedure and followed the instructions the consultant gave me to the letter. Unfortunately, though, despite the procedure and the rest, and the boot I am still in pain. My foot still feels tight, not so much in my Achilles, but my plantar fasciitis seems only slightly improved, I'd say around 20% better. This is really disappointing for me. I had hoped that it would work and by this point I would be pain free. 

I see the consultant again in ten days, and I'm not sure what the next step of the process is. I have read about an operation called a "plantar release". It seems that most cases of plantar fasciitis should be completed cleared by a year in, well I'm around that point now and I've thrown everything I can at it. From stretching and frozen water in a pepsi bottle, to massage and acupuncture, to cortisone and this latest procedure. I feel I'm no closer to running again than I was at the start of the year.

It's had a massive impact on my mental health. It's really hard to watch other people running races you know you would have been in, while you are sat on the sidelines with no light at the end of the tunnel. The Great North Run is in just over a month, and it hurts to know I won't be running this year. Running did amazing things to me, not only helping me to lose weight, but giving me targets to achieve and boosting my self-confidence when I reached those targets, to just having the time and space when out running to go through my mental filing cabinet and deal with the stresses of life. I desperately want to get back to that place. 

I've spoken about how depression feels for me before and how my mental health affects my life. I feel so restricted at times, and that in itself makes me angry. When I'm lying in bed in the morning and it takes all my effort to get out of it, or when I'm stood at my front door, unable to pull on the handle to go outside, when the world goes from glorious technicolour to monochrome, or when everything seems amplified, noise, sound, smells and all I want is peace, quiet and stability, when I'm doubting that I'll be able to ride this wave out, and wondering why I keep trying to get back on the surfboard when life and depression keeps knocking me off, this illness feels like it's mocking me. Telling me that I was an idiot for ever thinking I would succeed. And it takes masses of energy just to keep going. Then I go to bed at night, absolutely worn out from just existing, and lie awake, sleep eluding me, and the more I can't sleep, the more angry about it I become as I know the next day will already be hard, as I'm going to be tired. 

But life is a challenge. This illness, depression and Borderline Personality Disorder will not beat me. 10% of all people with BPD end up committing suicide and I don't want to be part of that statistic. So I keep on trying to just take each day as it comes. One fabulous achievement that I have attained is 4 years sobriety. This year has been an incredibly difficult one. There are moments when I would have welcomed the oblivion that alcohol can provide, however I know I have far too much to lose if I drink and that keeps me sober. However hard things feel at the moment, they would feel 100 times harder coupled with alcohol and a hangover. 

Each day is a journey through life. You can try and embrace it, even with the restrictions of illness, or you can give up. Personally I will do everything I can each day to hit the small targets that I set myself when depression hits, getting up, trying to keep in touch with friends and family, trying to focus on small positives. And that is all that I can ask of myself at the moment. 

the longest mile

As you might remember from last time I had a bit of a set back with an injury to my foot. It really put the whole run in jeopardy. Despite all the training I have done in the past year there is no way I was going to risk a permanent injury. However I didn't want to let down the people who had sponsored me throughout my training too. My total stands at this point at £741 and you can still sponsor me here hint hint, lol.

I didn't run at all until the Sunday before the Great North Run. The crutches were a complete pain, making my shoulders and back ache but they were a necessary evil. On the Sunday before the Great North Run I did a slow paced 5k run to test my foot, and despite it being a couple of minutes slower than my usual 5k time I got round without any reaction to my injury. For the rest of the week I continued to rest and made sure I didn't stress the foot any further.

On the Saturday night I taped my foot and ankle with KT tape  and taped my toes which are prone to blisters. I felt like a bairn at christmas when I went to bed. I had asked my pal Graham to give me an alarm call at 6.30am if he hadn't heard from me before that to make sure I didn't sleep in. I was full of nerves and excitement and could I sleep? Could I heck! I was up and down like a yo-yo and was really hacked off by 3am. I was sure I would have trouble getting up when my alarm went off at 6am.

However when my alarm went off I was up and raring to go. I had my shower then my porridge and coffee and was out the door to catch the metro at 8am to meet my other friend Karen in Newcastle.

So many people were on Northumberland Street in Newcastle when I emerged from Monument metro. I saw teddy bears, batman and robin, cavemen and runners in all sorts of charity vests and t-shirts as well as the club runners making their way up to the start line. Despite being in Newcastle early I managed to miss the baggage bus by 1 minute, and had to put my bag into the late van!

After hugging Karen, who was in another pen, I made my way into my area and wandered about until I found a space that felt right. I got talking to a few girls around me who were psyching themselves up for the run and for once I actually joined in the warmup. We all agreed that we had a massive amount of butterflies in our stomach. Just before the race began the Red Arrows flew overhead which was immense.

It took a while to walk to the start line but with each step my nerves seemed to decrease. And then we were off. Along the central motorway with people already cheering us on and I felt good. Running through the tunnelled parts chants of "Oggy Oggy Oggy" were met with "Oi Oi Oi" and a mile flew past. Before I knew it I was at the Tyne Bridge, and I actually got goosebumps as I ran over the iconic landmark and was through the 2 mile point with ease and heading towards Gateshead International Stadium.

At 3 miles I took my first energy gel and grabbed a bottle of water at the drinks station to wash it down. The people at the sides of the road clapped and cheered us on despite the drizzly rain. Four miles down and I was actually enjoying the run. Then at just before five miles I felt a twinge in my foot, I managed to get to 5 miles in 55 minutes which was a cracking time but my foot was starting to really hurt.

I decided to walk for a while and see what happened. I walked for about 100m then started jogging again, and basically this was my strategy for the next 8 miles. I would run for as far as I could before the pain in my foot would force me to walk for a while. I knew my brilliant first 5 miles had been whittled away by the injury but still hoped to get to the finish before the 3 hour mark. My friend Ali would be between the 10 and 11 mile point and so I focused on getting there, getting a hug and a pep talk and making it to the end of the run.

Each mile was becoming harder and harder as not only the pain in my foot increased but my toes started to blister too. I kept overtaking people around me, but would be overtaken back by them when I walked and then overtake them again when I ran again. At 8 miles I took another energy gel and got a bottle of water and a hug from British Paralympian and one of my sporting heroines, Tanni Grey-Thompson. That was a massive boost for me. As the roundabout approached where Ali would be I spotted her immediately and ran to get a hug. I can remember saying "Ali I'm struggling" but I can't remember what she said to me, but it gave me a boost. She got her lads to unwrap some chewy sweets for me to carry with me to keep me going, got me psyched up again, took a couple of photos and then I was away again.

Each step was now agony. I passed through mile 11, the Killer hill, and on to mile 12. There is a steep downhill section before you turn on to the sea front. I tried to run this, but the force of going downhill on my foot was too much and I was slowed to a walk again. A lass in front of me was running well when all of a sudden she pulled up too. By the looks of it something in her knee had gone and she just about collapsed. St Johns Ambulance were soon with her but as I passed her she was protesting that she would be finishing.

Turning on to the sea front I passed the mile 12 point and knew I was nearly finished. However I think it is the longest mile I have ever done. It just seemed to go on and on and on. I was definitely on empty. Each step now felt like I was treading on glass, my toes were blistered, my foot was shooting a sharp pain through it whenever I put weight on it. I was trying to concentrate on anything other than the pain, and looked for my family in the crowds, as I knew they would be at the end of the run somewhere.

As I approached the end of the run I could see the finish line, and putting in one last burst of effort crossed the line, forgetting to stop my garmin as I did! DUH! The feeling of elation was something I can't describe. I had done it. My mobile phone buzzed and my official time came through and it was 3 hours 8 mins and 42 seconds. Slower than I had hoped but considering I had struggled for 8 miles, missing my goal of 2 hours 45 minutes by 23 minutes was nothing. I had done it!

The longest walk of my life then ensued as I made my way from the finish line to the T-shirt point. I limped my way to the goody bag point and on to the exit towards the NSPCC marquee when I saw my brother and his lass. The hug he gave me has never felt so welcoming. He grabbed hold of me and just about carried me to the tent, where my mam was waiting with a coffee and a massive hug that nearly suffocated me. The NSPCC team were giving out bananas, donuts, coffees and more importantly massages and I got my calves immediately massaged while my friends Clare and Barry who had just finished too came and chatted but I'm not too sure I was good company at that point lol.

I still cannot believe that I have completed a half marathon. It has amazed me that a lass who couldn't easily walk 2 miles 18 months ago has completed 13 miles. I need to rest my foot for a while but I will be back and on to my next fundraising project soon.

Last minute setback

For the last 15 months I have been training hard to both lose weight and get myself fit enough to run the Great North Run, and I can't count the hours and miles I have put in so that I reach my goal on September 16th. I've lost 58lbs in weight and so many people have sponsored me on my Justgiving page here that not only did I raise the £400 required by the NSPCC but I blasted through my own £500 target and am now at 125% of my target. I want to thank everyone who has donated money, each donation has shown me that people believe in me.

Over the last year, though, I have had a recurring nightmare that I would injure myself just before the big day and not be able to run. I have been pretty lucky when it comes to injuries this year, nothing more than a few pulled muscles and nasty blisters have hit me. But just when I thought I was home free, two weeks ago I suddenly felt a sharp stabbing pain in my foot while I was out running with Tyne Bridge Harriers.  I managed to finish the session, got home and immediately iced my foot with my medicinal broccoli.

However the pain and swelling in my foot didn't subside as quickly as I would have liked. I am sure runners will know exactly what I mean when I say I didn't want to get my foot checked out, for fear of being told it was a serious injury and that I wouldn't be able to run. However after a week of painkillers, rest and ice the pain in my foot was too much to bear. The result:

Possible stress fracture, foot immobilised and crutches. I was devastated! However it was exactly what my foot needed. Being immobilised and with the aid of the crutches I have felt a massive improvement in it, and have managed to go through today without the crutches. The pain has subsided so much, and while my calf and Achilles feel a bit tight I am a lot more hopeful of running a week on Sunday.

I am not going to risk a more serious injury, if there is any doubt in my mind at all I won't run, however I am not prepared to just sit on my backside and mope about it.

I got a tweet off a follower who asked me to consider entering a piece to Sky Tyne and Wear about why I am doing the Great North run and I am going to. I feel that I have a duty to pass on my experience of losing weight and getting fit to others. I am no different to anyone else who struggles to lose weight. The thing I discovered was that I had to have goals and determination to get where I want to be and if I could help other people realise that with effort and belief they can get to where they want to get to then it would make my achievements all the sweeter.

So for the next 10 days I am concentrating on cycling, resting and hopefully I will be lining up in Newcastle on September 16th to achieve a lifetime goal. Keep everything crossed for me.

A busy month

Hey ho,

It's been a while but I've had a busy month. Nothing major, just lots of uni work as exam time is upon us and the usual life getting in the way of stuff kinda thing.

My last post talked about how I felt I was under a bit of a black cloud. Things have definitely improved since then. It's a bit like being on a rollercoaster at times, you just have to hang on in there.

Running has been a bit of an effort at times. It has seemed like a lot of hard work and it hasn't been until the last week or so that I've felt that I'm enjoying it again. That aside I've done some great things with the runner. My club, Tyne Bridge Harriers, held a fundraising event for the Children's Heart Unit at the Freeman Hospital and The Freeman Heart and Lung Transplant Association  which was completed in around about 6 hours. It was fabulous to be part of the team and we were also joined by some of the recipients of donor organs who ran a lap, the Fit Factor team from the Journal and my friend and one of my inspirations Graham Smith who is running 2012 miles this year to raise money for the Tony Blair Sports Foundation which helps train volunteer coaches and officials so that more young people can get into sports.

I was meant to do the City of Sunderland 10k on the 6th May, however it was Newcastle United's last home game of the season and I would have been struggling to get back in time for kick off. I decided to change my plans and enter the Greggs Children's Cancer Run the following week instead, and managed to avoid a trip to the dark side, lol.

The Gregg's run is held at Newcastle race course and goes through the woods surrounding it. With the typical British summer weather it meant that the route was really clarty. Unlike other runs I've done there was no set starting time, people are allocated their number and are told to start anytime in an hour long slot. I hadn't experienced anything like this before and wondered if it would work. However I needn't have worried. At the start line it was like being at a theme park, lining up to start, being brought forward in a little group before being set away, and I have to admit that I had some nerves that were not dissimilar to those I might have felt had I been queueing for a white knuckle ride.

We set away, and I was quickly into a nice pace for me, and started really enjoying running through the mud and puddles and laughing at people who were gingerly trying to pick their way through. That was until the two mile point. An unexpected incline, some mud and a woman in front of me deciding to change her running line to directly into me saw me go flat on my front trying to avoid her. But I was straight up and running again, after throwing her a dirty look (to match my dirty hands and knees).

The distances were questionable. The first mile sign came at just over a mile according to my garmin, the second a good 200m before the 2nd mile, the 3rd came when my garmin said 2.6 miles and the 4 mile sign was placed at around about 3.65 miles according to the gps. I didn't know if it was me or the signs that were wrong but after asking some other runners afterwards it seems that they are quite free and easy with the mileage usually. However it didn't spoil the run any.

After crossing the finish line which is parallel to the racecourse itself, you are handed a medal (I love a medal when I've finished a run), a Greggs goody bag, consisting of a cheese and onion pasty, a gingerbread man and an apple, some water and another apple before you go to a stand where you collect your t-shirt.

Looking cream crackered after finishing 

Another medal for the collection

I definitely think that the Age Concern Run organisers can learn a lot from the Gregg's run organisers. The whole set up from Parking to good bag's after was a lot better and it's a run I'm looking forward to doing again next year. 

On Tuesday it was the second Grand Prix of the season at the running club. I was in two minds whether to go due to having an exam on the Wednesday but I am glad I did now, because I finished second and knocked a massive 1 minute 40 seconds off my previous time. To say I was buzzing would be an understatement. Achievements like this remind me why I started running, and why I continue. 

On Saturday I was going to give Park Run a miss due to a massively busy schedule but Graham asked if I was going so I said I would, then my friend Karen said she would come too. There was no PB today but Graham ran alongside me all the way and it was great to have someone who was encouraging me on. He really is a great lad, and managed to convince me to sign up to do one of the half hour slots in his 24 hour treadmill challenge in June. Seeing as I hate treadmills I think he did very well getting me in there. 

This week sees the club running at the Clive Cookson 10k on Wednesday, where my friends are also running, so a sneaky (non-alcoholic) drink beckons afterwards, and then it's the track and field event for the harriers where I am chucking things (shot put and javelin) and hopefully not hitting anyone in the process. 

Catch you all soon! 

Being all the inhabitants of the 100 acre woods.

I've noticed recently that my mood has been dropping again, and I've been feeling more tired than usual. At times like this it's hard to keep motivated and it's hard to see the goals that I'm actually achieving. Little things that wouldn't usually affect me at all have me crying, things that would just slide off my back are getting to me. My sense of humour has taken a sabbatical. It can be hard to juggle being a single parent, a university student, a recovering alcohol addict and a person who lives with a mental health problem. But I am doing it, I might not be a smiley, cheery person at the moment but I won't let this beat me. A good friend of mine once said "I love you, because over a space of time you are all the inhabitants of the 100 acre woods." I think at this moment in time I am in my Eeyore persona.

Depression is an illness that strikes so many people, it takes the lives of so many people. It can be hard to live with, but it's an illness that I am not ashamed of. I know that while I can take steps to try and avoid a depressive episode it is not my fault if I do have one. I know that I will come through this if I just keep on keeping on, and while it may sound flippant it's not meant to be. For me, when I feel like this, it's about just keeping on putting one foot in front of the other and not stopping until I get out of this black place, as tempting as curling up into a ball and just giving up may feel. I am aware that there are ignorant people out there who think it's funny to deride people who are fighting addictions or living with depression, and I had to deal with someone recently who thought they could use my alcohol addiction recovery to try and hurt me, but to be honest it says so much more about them than it does about me.

Anyway back to the running.

Tyne Bridge Harriers held their first Summer Grand Prix run at Jesmond Dene on Tuesday. I didn't really want to go. It was a flat race, which meant no staggered starts and I knew I would be finishing last. When I'm in a more Tigger mood I can live with this, my "at least you're lapping the people sat on the sofa" mindset at this time gets me through. When I'm in my Eeyore state, though, it's hard to be last all the time. It's like being back in the PE class at school, knowing you are trying so hard but being behind everyone else.

Tyne Bridge Harriers are a magnificent club though. They champion every member's achievements. It doesn't matter if you run a 5k in 16 minutes or 36 minutes, if you've done your best they recognise that. So I went to the summer grand prix on Tuesday and just told myself to do my best. I was last, as I knew I would be, BUT I had every single member who was there cheer me over the finish line. The feeling of knowing that all these people were willing me to do my best was amazing. I truly feel like Tyne Bridge Harriers is my club, and my running family.

I have a 10k in two weeks. It's the Sunderland City 10k and it means me heading into enemy territory for the day. I think the challenge of another 10k will do me good, it's times like this that I need the achievement of something to help me get through the depression successfully. I have to focus on the three important things I highlighted in an earlier blog entry, eating correctly, exercising and getting good quality sleep.

I hope when I next blog I have successfully got through my Eeyore stage and I am a different 100 acre woods inhabitant.

Home free

Yesterday saw me compete in my second ever 10k race. This one was a little bit closer to home than my last one, in face it could only have been closer if it started on my front lawn! The start line for the North Tyneside 10k is literally two minutes walk from my front door, starting at the Parks Sports Centre. With about 2500 runners the entrance to the Sports Centre was very busy, with a huge bottleneck of people trying to get in and out of the centre, but I still managed to see a few familiar faces from the running club.

I met up with my friend, Karen, who I go to Newcastle Parkrun with and my fellow Tyne Bridge Harrier, Davina, who has missed a bit of training recently. Karen is way faster than I am, but Davina and I decided to run together at least at the start to encourage each other. This was my first race in the Tyne Bridge Harriers vest and I felt the weight of representing the club quite heavily. I wanted to do them proud. Therefore I may have had a few more butterflies in my tummy than normal before a run.

The Mayor of North Tyneside, Linda Arkley, started the run at 10am and with Davina and I starting from near the back it took about a minute to get through the start. However we got off to a good pace, running the first mile in 10.32 mins. At the end of the second mile was the dreaded priory hill.

This photo doesn't do the hill justice really. 

Really it's two hills. The first one was beaten due to me shouting at myself, gritting my teeth and going for it. With the second one I managed to get about half way up before I stopped to walk, until Davina said she could see Micky, our coach from the Harriers and we thought it would be best to run again or we'd never hear the end of it. It was great to hear Micky and Leodhais shouting encouragement. 

I knew the rest of the race was flat after the priory so decided just to run as well as I could. Davina recovered from the hill a lot better than me, so she moved ahead of me, but I was still chasing her. We got to the 3 mile point and I decided not to partake in the water on offer after the sluicing of my sinuses on the last 10k I did. 

We got to 5k and Davina shouted back to me that we were on for a 1hr 10 minutes 10k which made me feel great. I knew that I felt comfortable at the pace I was going at that point. There were plenty of people to encourage us on, and it felt great to have people clapping and cheering us. A little boy stuck out his hand for a high-5 and that was lovely. 

At about the 4.5 mile point I started to feel the pace. I knew I had started to slow down, and Davina had pulled away a bit. I was still running a mile in 12 mins on average, but I started feeling a bit wobbly. I can't actually remember this part of the run. The next thing I can remember is between miles 5 and 6 when I had to ask 3 times for people to move out of the way while I was running and they were walking the other way towards me. The first two times I just had to say "Excuse me" to the people walking three abreast. The last time I kind of yelled "Can you get out of the way please!" in an annoyed tone as the group of four people with their dog on a longish lead tried to make the run into an obstacle course. I think my not best pleased voice got them to move pretty sharpish, but it seems rather silly that they can see people are running and decide that they are going to try and force you onto the road rather than move over a bit to let you through!

It was between the 5 and 6 mile point that I started to see Tyne Bridge Harriers who had already finished, and who were shouting their support to me, which really helped me. I was finding it hard to keep going now, and had to find something to keep me going. So I decided to focus on David Rathband and what he had to overcome to be able to run. By telling myself that I was running this last mile for him I managed to keep going. A guy in a red tracksuit ran with me for the last mile and we kept each other going which was lovely. Sometimes you need someone next to you to just spur you on. 

I turned the corner onto the road to St Mary's lighthouse and was so pleased to see the 200m to go sign. I wasn't bothered about time at that point, and didn't even look at my watch. As I passed the 100m to go sign a group which included Tyne Bridge Harriers, my friend Karen and my friend Tony and his wife Shirley were yelling at me to keep going. I didn't know I had it left in my legs but managed to get a sprint going, and just beat red-tracksuit man to the finish. A shake of hands, and collecting a great goody bag, with T-shirt, energy gel, water bottle and a form for the Clive Cookson 10k in May gave me time to have a look at my Garmin which I had stopped at the line. 

I nearly fell over! I had knocked 5 minutes and 37 seconds of my PB! I had finished in 1hr 14 mins and 14 seconds. It was so much better than I could have hoped for. Davina came over and grabbed me, then Karen did the same. I was completely buzzing. After grabbing water we made our way to the car park to get a lift back to the Salutation Inn, to meet a couple of friends, Misty and Bernard, who had completed the race too. I had moaned about the lack of a medal at this race, I love a medal, and Misty had made me a medal that I will cherish always and which Bernard presented me with at the pub over my cranberry and soda. It was a lovely end to a great run and one which I would highly recommend to anyone wanting a fast 10k to do. 

My lovely medal, thanks Misty!

Achieving so much

What a week I've had. It's been amazing!

Firstly I have got my eating well back on track. I had to make a massive effort to control what I was eating, as I was letting food slip back into my diet that I shouldn't have. Because I've got my head back in the game I have lost 6lbs this week. I know that the weight loss is as important as anything else in this journey and it's about getting everything in synch.

After last week's parkrun PB and I have managed to get 19.76 miles under my running belt. With Tyne Bridge Harriers I have been able to concentrate on being able to run better. It's about quality running, I have gone now from sounding like a bust set of bagpipes to being able to hold a conversation while running. It's not the talking though that's the good thing, although it is nice to be able to put the world to rights when you're out on a run, it's the breathing that has been the important thing. I can see that my heart and lungs are coping better with the exertion of exercising. That is a fantastic thing to know.

On Saturday I went to the Newcastle Parkrun again, as the Tyne Bridge Harriers were running their last winter parkrun grand prix race there. The pacesetters were out this week, basically people running the course in a specific time, and I was determined I was going to chase the 35 minute pacesetter as much as I could. I was determined to get a new PB this week. The first two miles seemed to go quite quickly, well quickly for me, but the last mile was a killer. There is a ferocious crosswind on the Town Moor, even on a non-windy day and I felt at times like I was taking one step forward and two back. However with less than half a kilometre to go Micky from running club became my personal cheerleader, I could hear him shouting at me to keep going all the way to the end, and he definitely helped me to dig in and get to the end and as I crossed the line I had taken a massive 46 seconds off this week, a new 5k time of 36.03 minutes. Looking at the photos taken later on I definitely looked worse for wear, pale and interesting as my mam would say.

I've decided that for the next few parkruns I am going to concentrate on just running them, rather than aiming for PB's. My pace is improving all the time, I know I can get better too with practice and help from the running club, but I don't want to push too hard to quickly.

On Sunday I had decided to break the mental barrier of the 10k. I am doing the Age UK Wrap up and Run 10k on Mothering Sunday and there is no way I wanted to go into that without having managed the 10k distance, because I knew I would doubt my ability. One of the lasses from running club, Davina, said she would come along with me on the run. Davina is brilliant. She is a lot like me, as in we don't have the stereotypical runners' build, but we do have bags of determination, we're stubborn and we are going places.

We met at Tynemouth and the sun was shining beautifully. It really felt like spring.

Starting at the Priory we just set off and ran, the aim not being the pace, but getting that 10k barrier shattered. Having the lovely Davina with me really helped me. We chatted about all sorts of stuff and it felt great to be able to talk about why I am running, what I want to achieve, what she has achieved and basically keeping each other motivated.

I got to 3.5miles out and turned back (Davina needed a quick pit stop to powder her nose so I had run a little way on my own). I felt really great, strong and happy. Then I got to the Surf shop at Tynemouth and my legs felt like cement. Without Davina there telling me she wasn't going to let me stop I probably would have started to just walk, but I managed to keep on going. Getting to the corner just past the Grand Hotel and I felt like all the heaviness had gone in my legs. It was if the knowledge of being on the home strait had energised me, and I finished feeling stronger. I was delighted to see that not only had I broken the 10k barrier, I had absolutely smashed it! 11.3k in total! ELEVEN POINT THREE K!!!

I now feel like I can go to Leeds on Sunday and I will manage the 10k, because I know I can run even further than that! Getting that 10k wall smashed down has been brilliant!

This week is planned to get a little bit of running in with Tyne Bridge Harriers and plenty of rest too. I'm still keeping my eating on track and hope to have another nice weight loss for next week. All in all I'm feeling so positive and motivated, and ready to take on the world.

Smoother running

Since the Grand Prix I have felt like my running has been going a lot better. At the moment it is about consistently getting out, getting miles under my belt and making little improvements.

I attended the Newcastle Parkrun again this weekend past. After the run I enjoy a cuppa with my good friend, Karen which is one of the highlights of my week, but the run is important too, lol. This week saw the sad death of PC David Rathband, and David was someone who attended the parkrun with his running partner Kerry. So it was apt to mark his death with a minutes silence, a balloon was released and many people, including David's twin brother Darren, ran in Blue Lamp Foundation t-shirts. It proved to be quite a sombre occasion. I decided to run this week for David.

The parkrun this week felt considerably easier than the last one, which I wasn't that happy with. I knew after 2 miles that my pace was considerably faster than the previous parkrun. I kept on going, despite a really strong wind in the last mile, and Karen was waiting at the final corner cheering me on. I crossed the line and found I had knocked a staggering 4 minutes off my last parkrun time. It was a new PB for me, and I was absolutely delighted with it! That was for you David, I hope I did you proud. To see the improvements in my running over time is motivating me to keep going.

I also managed my longest run so far with Tyne Bridge Harriers on Tuesday. 5.11 miles was ramped up on a cold Tuesday night around Byker, along the coast road and then along Chillingham Road. My pace is definitely improving over the longer runs too and that is important for me with my first 10km coming up. However the camaraderie within Tyne Bridge Harriers is something that I am enjoying too. I haven't come across one person who believes they are better than anyone else. Each person's achievement is celebrated no matter who they are.

I hope to run 10km this Sunday for the first time. It is important for me to get the distance broken before the run at Harewood House on Mothering Sunday, mentally more than anything else. I know I can do it, I just have to get out there and hammer it!

Getting it back together

I'm currently in another episode of "low mood". Warning for any lads who don't want to read about women's problems, skip the next paragraph.

Basically since December my period has been continuous with only 7 days where I haven't been bleeding. I am absolutely exhausted. I've been to the doctors, she has done various (unpleasant) tests and everything has come back clear. So now I am on some tablets to stop me from bleeding for the next ten days to give my body a rest and I have to go for an ultrasound scan.

Secondly my middle child is going through a pretty bad spell. She has some emotional problems and has been refusing to go to school meaning that every day is a battle. She has been given a "managed move" so that she can try another school but this has taken a while to get through, and in the meantime her behaviour has been appalling and has been so stressful to me and the other bairns. She is now attending CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services) and I am hoping that this can help her.

These things have obviously had a knock-on effect with my training and also my diet, but I also know that I am needing to get my head back on track. I can't use these as an excuse. So I have decided to draw a line under the last few weeks and this week is the start of new things.

I went to David Fairlamb's bootcamp on Saturday, despite feeling a bit rough with the health problems mentioned earlier, but I wanted to give 100% and was completely shattered when I finished. We had an unusual participant at bootcamp this week. Mark Allison (aka RunGeordieRun) is toying with the idea of doing the London Marathon dressed as a lion (as you do) and so completed bootcamp in his costume. He looked like he had been in a sauna when he took the head off at the end. I can't imagine how he managed it, as I find it hard enough to do bootcamp in jogging pants and 3 layers on a cold day.

I have entered the Blaydon Race in June. So that is another build up run booked in on my journey to the Great North Run in September. It's the same weekend as the Download festival that I was planning to go to, and part of me can't believe that I'm giving up 5 days of rocking out to run from Newcastle to Blaydon, but I know that come June I will have done the right thing. Running is becoming a massively important part of my life.

Then yesterday I had a particularly stressful morning with the bairn, and got home after an hour and a half's struggle to get her to go into school. My head was shouting to hit the bottle or reach for food and I was scared I was going to crack. So I put my running shoes on, headed to Tynemouth and went for a run. I have to use healthy coping strategies to deal with stress and going for a run is certainly preferable to comfort eating and I don't want to break my sobriety after 2 and a half years. Running along the coast is amazing, to be able to focus on the scenery, to be able to put my all in physically and to remember that back in August I could only run for 30 seconds with a 2 minute recovery is certainly better than binging on chocolate.

Then last night I returned to Tyne Bridge Harriers. I am determined to continue running with them, I feel like I can improve massively with them, and think I will be putting my application in to officially join them soon. I was running with Steve last night, and despite being slower than the others he kept me going, setting me small targets and encouraging me on. I know that as the weight comes off I will get faster, I still have a long way to go weight wise but by running, going to bootcamp and eating right I will get there.

As I am feeling tired I am wanting to make sure I get plenty of rest this week, and so I'm setting myself a 10.30pm bedtime this week. It can only do me good. So this next week is about being disciplined. I need to concentrate on my food, my exercise and also my sleep and make sure that I am hitting my targets. I will do it!

New Year, no excuses.

Well Christmas is well and truly over. I don't think I'd ever write that I was on Tynemouth beach participating in a bootcamp on both Christmas Eve and New Years Eve, but it happened. If this impossible thing can happen then maybe Newcastle CAN win a trophy in my lifetime, well maybe, well ok I know it's unlikely, lol.

I didn't go overboard with my food at Christmas, but I definitely relaxed a bit. Last year (2010) I found Christmas and New Year a really difficult time to deal with being sober. It seemed like everyone was out drinking and it drove me crazy not being able to drink. This year though, drinking hasn't even crossed my mind, and the 2 year and 5 month mark of my sobriety passed without me even noticing. I see this as progress as when I first stopped drinking I was counting hours, not even days, and now months are passing and I didn't even notice.

I weighed myself on Christmas Eve, and again on the 2nd January, and was really surprised and utterly delighted that I had lost 1.5lbs. But instead of making me think "Heck I can just relax my food and I'll still lose weight" it's made me more determined to stick to the healthy lifestyle I was before the depression hit me really badly. I know that for my long term goals to be realised I need to stick to the regime, and that is a healthy diet and exercising.

I am doing the Great Winter Run in Edinburgh this Saturday. This is going to be only my second ever 5k and I'm really looking forward to it. It's hard not to want to beat my time in Glasgow, but I'm going to try and be a realist and just set myself a time I want to beat generally, without taking Glasgow into consideration. I ran 4.13 miles on New Years Day and felt really sluggish and my legs felt really heavy, but I ran 4.22 miles today and was over 4 and a half minutes quicker. This leaves me feeling positive for Saturday. I'm just going to go out there and do my best.

I am also delighted to say that my fundraising for the NSPCC was boosted massively over Christmas and New Year and through my friends generosity currently stands at £351. I feel genuinely humbled by people's belief in me and it spurs me on to keep going. September's Great North Run seems a long way away but I know it will be here before I know it, and so each and every donation means so much. My justgiving page is here if you want to look.  Thank you to everyone who has donated and given me moral support. I can't tell you how much it means.