Now on to this blog. I have a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). What this means in real terms to me is that I can be very impulsive, I don't react to stress in a rational way, my emotions can be up and down and can change very, very quickly, I often have trouble liking or accepting myself, I put myself down loads, I am scared that people don't like me and in the past I have used things like alcohol, gambling, self-harming and binge eating/making myself sick to cope with things.
I was diagnosed in my early 20's on my first six month stay in a psychiatric unit. My self-harming at one point was out of control and those of you who have met me might have seen some scars on my arm. They are a constant reminder and a constant shame of mine, I hate them, they represent a weak and sick me. I am busy working on a tattoo sleeve to cover them up. They are the old me, I don't self harm anymore, and haven't cut for over 7 years. I've mentioned my alcoholism before too. My drinking became an enormous problem, taking over my life, but I've been sober now for 2 years and 3 months tomorrow.
Something that goes alongside Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is depression. Over the last couple of weeks I have been hit again with this awful illness. I want to try and share with you what depression is actually like. Depression isn't just a mental illness. For me depression is a physical illness too. I wake up in the morning and there is an immense pressure in my head. I have a thumping headache, I can't stand the light, noise goes right through me. Paracetamol doesn't touch it. And it goes on and on, for days, weeks, months. Walking around jars my head and makes it hurt more.
My muscles ache. They feel fatigued. I feel like I have weights on my arms, legs and a massive backpack on my back filled with sandbags. And I can't take it off, so every movement, every step is an enormous effort. To get out of bed physically exhausts me.
I just want to sleep. For as long as possible, all day and all night if I could. I've been to bootcamp this morning, the effort to get out of bed was massive, the effort to actually get through the bootcamp was enormous, so much more than normal even though I was effectively taking it easy today. I now feel completely wiped out. Normally I come home from bootcamp and feel energised, today I feel great that I've been there, but I am physically tired.
My brain feels like it is mushed. I am a single parent, and have been looking after my girls on my own for 7 years. I am independent, I do everything, I have be responsible (which for someone with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder isn't easy). At this moment in time I struggle at times to finish the sentence I am saying, as I have forgotten what I am saying. I am trying to cope with University, with 6 essays due in all on the same day in December, and my brain can't remember if I've left the oven on, never mind write 2000 words on Marxism. This means that the usual juggle of dealing with school for the girls, dealing with household bills, managing the everyday organisation becomes a massive struggle.
And then I beat myself up! To know that I am unable to do the everyday things, to go to Tesco without panicking about there being loads of people there, to be able to leave the house in the mornings, to go out for a run, to even open the curtains in the morning, to get out of bed is so frustrating, so soul destroying. I get so angry. It doesn't feel fair. I have to fight so hard to be able to do a fraction of what I normally do, it takes so much energy. And here's where I have to admit that I get suicidal thoughts.
This week, in particular, I've been battling hard. I've had moments when I've had to remind myself that I have more good reasons to keep going. My girls are obviously my main motivation, my university place is important to me, but I am also a stubborn bugger and I'll be damned if I am going to let this illness kill me.
Depression can hit anyone, it doesn't matter if you are successful or not in life, it doesn't discriminate. You have to deal with a lot of people who seem to say "What have you got to be depressed about?" Why blame someone for being ill with depression. Think about it, would people have the same reaction to someone with another illness, say diabetes? Epilepsy? Cancer? Depression can hit anyone, the same as these other illnesses.
I'm fighting on, today has been a good morning, a very, very good morning, I got up, I got out of the house, I went to bootcamp. I don't know what this afternoon will bring, or tomorrow, or the day after. I might be stuck in the house tomorrow, unable to do much more than the basics.
There are so many other people out there that feel that their fight has gone, that the only option is suicide, and if you feel like this please do something before deciding on suicide. Contact:
Your GP
http://www.samaritans.org/
http://www.sane.org.uk/
http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/
Or phone 999
This blog post is written in memory of someone who inspired me and motivated me in my battle against alcohol and also in my fight to get fit. She felt this week that she couldn't go on and took her life. She will be missed by so many people: To Angie, there are so many people who have shed tears this week at your passing, I hope you have found the peace and tranquility that was eluding you here. Rest in Peace.
And to a legend of Newcastle United, his death has stunned all of football. I spent hours watching his brilliance, he gave me chinks of sunlight through some dark clouds, and distracted me from my own problems. He was a skillful player, a gentleman and an all round nice guy. Depression and suicide doesn't discriminate, it is a cruel and horrific illness. RIP Gary Speed.
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