Not up to speed yet.

My run number arrived in the post today for the Great Winter Run in Edinburgh on January 7th. I decided I better start running again.

My period of depression has seen me struggling for several weeks now. I have at times felt suicidal. The desperation and isolation is something I can't describe. The thoughts of suicide aren't really about death, I realise that, but about ending the pain I'm feeling. Depression hurts. People sometimes forget that. Even the numbness hurts, if that makes sense.

I feel that I'm finally coming through the hardest, darkest part of this episode of depression, but I'm still having days when it's really hard to just get going. On Thursday I could literally feel the energy draining out of me. I was unable to stand up without feeling dizzy and weak, I had to go to bed, I couldn't keep my eyes open.

I tried to go for a run this morning. I haven't ran properly since pulling my calf back in November so wasn't sure what to expect. At first I felt that my pace was well down, but at the first mile split it was very, very good. Then I got to 1.5 miles and something happened.

It was if I couldn't run anymore. My body was fine, but I literally couldn't run. I had slowed to a walk, so decided to give myself a couple of minutes. I tried to start running again after that little walk and managed about 2 minutes before I just hit a wall. My head wouldn't let me run. I was furious at myself. There was no-one around and there I was, shouting at myself, trying to get myself going.

In the end I had to concede defeat. I couldn't run anymore and I walked the remaining distance home, feeling angry and disappointed.

I know I'm not 100% mentally at the moment, but I just want to get myself moving physically. My care co-ordinator impresses on me the need to try and keep well physically. But today my body wouldn't respond.

I'm going out for another go tomorrow. I want to get back to where I was before I picked up the calf strain but feel miles away from that now.

Meanwhile I'm trying to count each good day and make then cancel out the bad. I've handed in all my essays at Uni, after getting a weeks extension, and can concentrate on my health at the moment. So my goals over Christmas and the New Year are to exercise, eat right and rest properly to maximise my chances of starting the New Year feeling sharp.