Achieving so much

What a week I've had. It's been amazing!

Firstly I have got my eating well back on track. I had to make a massive effort to control what I was eating, as I was letting food slip back into my diet that I shouldn't have. Because I've got my head back in the game I have lost 6lbs this week. I know that the weight loss is as important as anything else in this journey and it's about getting everything in synch.

After last week's parkrun PB and I have managed to get 19.76 miles under my running belt. With Tyne Bridge Harriers I have been able to concentrate on being able to run better. It's about quality running, I have gone now from sounding like a bust set of bagpipes to being able to hold a conversation while running. It's not the talking though that's the good thing, although it is nice to be able to put the world to rights when you're out on a run, it's the breathing that has been the important thing. I can see that my heart and lungs are coping better with the exertion of exercising. That is a fantastic thing to know.

On Saturday I went to the Newcastle Parkrun again, as the Tyne Bridge Harriers were running their last winter parkrun grand prix race there. The pacesetters were out this week, basically people running the course in a specific time, and I was determined I was going to chase the 35 minute pacesetter as much as I could. I was determined to get a new PB this week. The first two miles seemed to go quite quickly, well quickly for me, but the last mile was a killer. There is a ferocious crosswind on the Town Moor, even on a non-windy day and I felt at times like I was taking one step forward and two back. However with less than half a kilometre to go Micky from running club became my personal cheerleader, I could hear him shouting at me to keep going all the way to the end, and he definitely helped me to dig in and get to the end and as I crossed the line I had taken a massive 46 seconds off this week, a new 5k time of 36.03 minutes. Looking at the photos taken later on I definitely looked worse for wear, pale and interesting as my mam would say.

I've decided that for the next few parkruns I am going to concentrate on just running them, rather than aiming for PB's. My pace is improving all the time, I know I can get better too with practice and help from the running club, but I don't want to push too hard to quickly.

On Sunday I had decided to break the mental barrier of the 10k. I am doing the Age UK Wrap up and Run 10k on Mothering Sunday and there is no way I wanted to go into that without having managed the 10k distance, because I knew I would doubt my ability. One of the lasses from running club, Davina, said she would come along with me on the run. Davina is brilliant. She is a lot like me, as in we don't have the stereotypical runners' build, but we do have bags of determination, we're stubborn and we are going places.

We met at Tynemouth and the sun was shining beautifully. It really felt like spring.

Starting at the Priory we just set off and ran, the aim not being the pace, but getting that 10k barrier shattered. Having the lovely Davina with me really helped me. We chatted about all sorts of stuff and it felt great to be able to talk about why I am running, what I want to achieve, what she has achieved and basically keeping each other motivated.

I got to 3.5miles out and turned back (Davina needed a quick pit stop to powder her nose so I had run a little way on my own). I felt really great, strong and happy. Then I got to the Surf shop at Tynemouth and my legs felt like cement. Without Davina there telling me she wasn't going to let me stop I probably would have started to just walk, but I managed to keep on going. Getting to the corner just past the Grand Hotel and I felt like all the heaviness had gone in my legs. It was if the knowledge of being on the home strait had energised me, and I finished feeling stronger. I was delighted to see that not only had I broken the 10k barrier, I had absolutely smashed it! 11.3k in total! ELEVEN POINT THREE K!!!

I now feel like I can go to Leeds on Sunday and I will manage the 10k, because I know I can run even further than that! Getting that 10k wall smashed down has been brilliant!

This week is planned to get a little bit of running in with Tyne Bridge Harriers and plenty of rest too. I'm still keeping my eating on track and hope to have another nice weight loss for next week. All in all I'm feeling so positive and motivated, and ready to take on the world.

Getting it back together

I'm currently in another episode of "low mood". Warning for any lads who don't want to read about women's problems, skip the next paragraph.

Basically since December my period has been continuous with only 7 days where I haven't been bleeding. I am absolutely exhausted. I've been to the doctors, she has done various (unpleasant) tests and everything has come back clear. So now I am on some tablets to stop me from bleeding for the next ten days to give my body a rest and I have to go for an ultrasound scan.

Secondly my middle child is going through a pretty bad spell. She has some emotional problems and has been refusing to go to school meaning that every day is a battle. She has been given a "managed move" so that she can try another school but this has taken a while to get through, and in the meantime her behaviour has been appalling and has been so stressful to me and the other bairns. She is now attending CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services) and I am hoping that this can help her.

These things have obviously had a knock-on effect with my training and also my diet, but I also know that I am needing to get my head back on track. I can't use these as an excuse. So I have decided to draw a line under the last few weeks and this week is the start of new things.

I went to David Fairlamb's bootcamp on Saturday, despite feeling a bit rough with the health problems mentioned earlier, but I wanted to give 100% and was completely shattered when I finished. We had an unusual participant at bootcamp this week. Mark Allison (aka RunGeordieRun) is toying with the idea of doing the London Marathon dressed as a lion (as you do) and so completed bootcamp in his costume. He looked like he had been in a sauna when he took the head off at the end. I can't imagine how he managed it, as I find it hard enough to do bootcamp in jogging pants and 3 layers on a cold day.

I have entered the Blaydon Race in June. So that is another build up run booked in on my journey to the Great North Run in September. It's the same weekend as the Download festival that I was planning to go to, and part of me can't believe that I'm giving up 5 days of rocking out to run from Newcastle to Blaydon, but I know that come June I will have done the right thing. Running is becoming a massively important part of my life.

Then yesterday I had a particularly stressful morning with the bairn, and got home after an hour and a half's struggle to get her to go into school. My head was shouting to hit the bottle or reach for food and I was scared I was going to crack. So I put my running shoes on, headed to Tynemouth and went for a run. I have to use healthy coping strategies to deal with stress and going for a run is certainly preferable to comfort eating and I don't want to break my sobriety after 2 and a half years. Running along the coast is amazing, to be able to focus on the scenery, to be able to put my all in physically and to remember that back in August I could only run for 30 seconds with a 2 minute recovery is certainly better than binging on chocolate.

Then last night I returned to Tyne Bridge Harriers. I am determined to continue running with them, I feel like I can improve massively with them, and think I will be putting my application in to officially join them soon. I was running with Steve last night, and despite being slower than the others he kept me going, setting me small targets and encouraging me on. I know that as the weight comes off I will get faster, I still have a long way to go weight wise but by running, going to bootcamp and eating right I will get there.

As I am feeling tired I am wanting to make sure I get plenty of rest this week, and so I'm setting myself a 10.30pm bedtime this week. It can only do me good. So this next week is about being disciplined. I need to concentrate on my food, my exercise and also my sleep and make sure that I am hitting my targets. I will do it!

New Year, no excuses.

Well Christmas is well and truly over. I don't think I'd ever write that I was on Tynemouth beach participating in a bootcamp on both Christmas Eve and New Years Eve, but it happened. If this impossible thing can happen then maybe Newcastle CAN win a trophy in my lifetime, well maybe, well ok I know it's unlikely, lol.

I didn't go overboard with my food at Christmas, but I definitely relaxed a bit. Last year (2010) I found Christmas and New Year a really difficult time to deal with being sober. It seemed like everyone was out drinking and it drove me crazy not being able to drink. This year though, drinking hasn't even crossed my mind, and the 2 year and 5 month mark of my sobriety passed without me even noticing. I see this as progress as when I first stopped drinking I was counting hours, not even days, and now months are passing and I didn't even notice.

I weighed myself on Christmas Eve, and again on the 2nd January, and was really surprised and utterly delighted that I had lost 1.5lbs. But instead of making me think "Heck I can just relax my food and I'll still lose weight" it's made me more determined to stick to the healthy lifestyle I was before the depression hit me really badly. I know that for my long term goals to be realised I need to stick to the regime, and that is a healthy diet and exercising.

I am doing the Great Winter Run in Edinburgh this Saturday. This is going to be only my second ever 5k and I'm really looking forward to it. It's hard not to want to beat my time in Glasgow, but I'm going to try and be a realist and just set myself a time I want to beat generally, without taking Glasgow into consideration. I ran 4.13 miles on New Years Day and felt really sluggish and my legs felt really heavy, but I ran 4.22 miles today and was over 4 and a half minutes quicker. This leaves me feeling positive for Saturday. I'm just going to go out there and do my best.

I am also delighted to say that my fundraising for the NSPCC was boosted massively over Christmas and New Year and through my friends generosity currently stands at £351. I feel genuinely humbled by people's belief in me and it spurs me on to keep going. September's Great North Run seems a long way away but I know it will be here before I know it, and so each and every donation means so much. My justgiving page is here if you want to look.  Thank you to everyone who has donated and given me moral support. I can't tell you how much it means.

Not up to speed yet.

My run number arrived in the post today for the Great Winter Run in Edinburgh on January 7th. I decided I better start running again.

My period of depression has seen me struggling for several weeks now. I have at times felt suicidal. The desperation and isolation is something I can't describe. The thoughts of suicide aren't really about death, I realise that, but about ending the pain I'm feeling. Depression hurts. People sometimes forget that. Even the numbness hurts, if that makes sense.

I feel that I'm finally coming through the hardest, darkest part of this episode of depression, but I'm still having days when it's really hard to just get going. On Thursday I could literally feel the energy draining out of me. I was unable to stand up without feeling dizzy and weak, I had to go to bed, I couldn't keep my eyes open.

I tried to go for a run this morning. I haven't ran properly since pulling my calf back in November so wasn't sure what to expect. At first I felt that my pace was well down, but at the first mile split it was very, very good. Then I got to 1.5 miles and something happened.

It was if I couldn't run anymore. My body was fine, but I literally couldn't run. I had slowed to a walk, so decided to give myself a couple of minutes. I tried to start running again after that little walk and managed about 2 minutes before I just hit a wall. My head wouldn't let me run. I was furious at myself. There was no-one around and there I was, shouting at myself, trying to get myself going.

In the end I had to concede defeat. I couldn't run anymore and I walked the remaining distance home, feeling angry and disappointed.

I know I'm not 100% mentally at the moment, but I just want to get myself moving physically. My care co-ordinator impresses on me the need to try and keep well physically. But today my body wouldn't respond.

I'm going out for another go tomorrow. I want to get back to where I was before I picked up the calf strain but feel miles away from that now.

Meanwhile I'm trying to count each good day and make then cancel out the bad. I've handed in all my essays at Uni, after getting a weeks extension, and can concentrate on my health at the moment. So my goals over Christmas and the New Year are to exercise, eat right and rest properly to maximise my chances of starting the New Year feeling sharp.

Goooooaaaaalllllll!!!!!

Saturday saw me back at David Fairlamb's beach bootcamp for the first time in a couple of months, due to family commitments. Boy had I missed it. A year ago a workout on Tynemouth Longsands on a November morning would have sounded like torture but in reality it's amazing! Dave and his team are just magnificent. Before I first started going to the bootcamp I emailed Dave and told him that I was anxious about going because of my size, and I got a lovely email back from him encouraging me to come along. It still took me a couple of months before I plucked up the courage to go though, but I am so pleased I did.

Dave and his lovely assistants (hehehe), Tony and Mark, are probably the most encouraging, motivating and inspirational guys I know (along with my pal Mark Allison). It doesn't really matter what fitness level you are at, Dave and the lads will get the best out of you. There are proper athletes at the bootcamps, and then there is me, lol, plodding along at the back, but still giving 100%. The thing is, though, the whole group is encouraging.

In the photo above is the extremes of bootcamp. Paul is an amazing runner, he recently won the Newcastle Scramble and is super fit, behind him is me, who recently completed their first 5k and when I started bootcamp couldn't run up the hill in the picture once, never mind the three times which is my PB.

However, Paul always has a kind word to say to me, he will urge me on to keep going as he races past and just knowing that he, and the others who also give me positive feedback on my efforts, can see that I am trying my best mean so much to me. It's such a friendly, welcoming, accepting group, plus you have the best looking gym in the world. Nothing beats Tynemouth on a saturday morning, and I much prefer working out there than in a gym looking at the walls. Get yourself down there, I couldn't recommend it highly enough.

On to my weight, and when I was weighed on Monday I had lost 3lbs. After being stuck on 49lbs for several weeks this loss pushed me through the 50lbs lost and on towards my next goal of 56lbs, which would be 4 stone. It's still surreal that I am 50lbs lighter than I was at Easter. All I can say is that it is totally worth taking care with my food and ensuring I'm putting the right fuel in, and doing the exercise too.

I'm thinking of joining a running club and was recommended Tyne Bridge Harriers. I'm hoping to get a babysitter sorted for the little one so that I can get myself along. I have a plan of how I'm going to be able to run 13 miles by next September, and I need to make sure that I have the necessary support along the way. Talking of support, I just want to thank each and every one of you who have sponsored me to get to my target for the NSPCC. If you want to add your support you can at my just giving page here and you can be assured that each and every donation means so much to me, and it really spurs me on to know so many people believe in me.

Right, I'm off for a run. Catch you all soon.

week 8 finished

After yesterday's run I felt great today and so decided to go out for another run today. I knew I wanted to add a wee bit more distance in my run today, just a very small amount to try and break 4k. I got 3.99k yesterday and so it was a target I set for myself.

I use Nike + on my phone to record my distance and pace on my runs as well as using the c25k app too. I have noticed at times it doesn't record the distance as accurately as I would like but it's never bothered me before. Today I felt I had ran really well. I added that little bit extra to my run and as I got home felt delighted to know I had completed Week 8 day 3.

I stopped the Nike app as I reached the front door and was really annoyed to see that my GPS signal had dropped about half a mile from home and so it had only recorded part of my run. I felt really deflated for a while. I'm in a group with some really good friends on Twitter and we have a challenge to see who runs furthest in the month. Now they are infinitely fitter than I am, and I know I will not be able to compete with them seriously. But my half a mile now doesn't count, and I felt robbed!

Then I stopped and made myself think. Here I am today, completing what was a 4k run, whatever Nike+ says or not. I did it without stopping. I did it! I have completed 8 weeks of the c25k programme. That is one hell of an achievement! And I stopped being cross about not having the half mile recorded and focused on what I had actually done.

I'm now on the final week of the c25k programme. It was such a daunting prospect when I started. But here I am, 4 weeks until my first 5k fun run and right on track to be able to complete it.

When I was away in Florida I did gain some weight. Not a huge amount, and certainly not what I would have gained had I not made the changes in my life that I have. I was more relaxed about my eating while away, but I did make sensible choices a lot of the times too. When I weighed myself when I got home I certainly wasn't devastated.

I weighed myself again today and found I have lost 7lbs since I got back. I am really delighted at that. It feels like I am back on track. I have a busy week this week at University and my mam, who is a great support to me, is away on her holidays to Tenerife, and so I need to be organised, both for me and my girls. So I am going to sit tonight and plan the meals for this week so that I am can keep things together when my time is more limited.

I have found that mentality is a massive part of successful life changes. If you are mentally right to make changes in your life it makes the actually physical processes so much easier. I've also found that by breaking goals into smaller more manageable pieces makes them far easier to hit. This is probably the best advice I could give anyone. Take any huge challenge and break it into smaller chunks. If you can achieve the smaller goals then you will naturally achieve the more massive one.

Hope you all have a great week. Keep on keeping on.