Running in circles

Last weekend saw me participate in the Newcastle Parkrun at Exhibition Park in the city centre. It's a weekly free event, you against the clock. All you need is to register on the park run website and print off the barcode that comes in your welcome email and you are set to go. Along with my friend Karen, I headed into Newcastle for 9am for a cold and blustery 5km run. I felt like I had cement in my running shoes. I don't know if it was a lack of running in the week before, or the cold or what, but I felt like I was taking 2 steps forwards and 1 step back all the way round. I finished the course last, and felt like I hadn't put my best in. However I've decided to do the Parkrun on alternate Saturdays with bootcamp on the other Saturday and want to see a marked improvement in my times on this course.

On Tuesday I went to Tyne Bridge Harriers, and signed my papers to join them. Since starting training with them I have felt nothing but made welcome. Despite there being a wide range of abilities there isn't any elitism. I feel like by joining I will improve my running immeasurably. It was their penultimate Grand Prix event on Tuesday evening. Basically its a Yacht handicap system, where the person with the slowest 5km time starts first and the fastest starts last. This means that everyone finishes at about the same time. Naturally I started first with two other lasses, and while one was faster right from the start me and the other one ran the whole route together keeping each other going around the course.

It was nice to not be trailing at the back from the very start. From Glasshouse street we ran to the Pitcher and Piano, across the swing bridge, along to the Millennium bridge and across and then back along to Glasshouse street. I had managed to keep a little bit in my tank to pull away from the lass I had ran with at the very end and finished 5 seconds in front of her, and third from last. I had run the 5km in a time 2 minutes and 43 seconds faster than on the Newcastle Parkrun on the Saturday. I felt so much happier with this effort, and it's set me a bench mark for the final Winter Grand Prix in four weeks.

My number has arrived for my first 10km, the Age Uk Wrap up and Run at Harewood House in Leeds on Mothering Sunday.

I am so nervous about doing this 10km. Like my first 5km I haven't set a specific time that I want to get, I just want to finish my first 10km. It's just another step on my way to the Great North Run. But it will be a step up from what I have achieved before. Before then, though, I just need to keep the training going in. Thanks once again for all your support, I couldn't do it without you all.

Getting it back together

I'm currently in another episode of "low mood". Warning for any lads who don't want to read about women's problems, skip the next paragraph.

Basically since December my period has been continuous with only 7 days where I haven't been bleeding. I am absolutely exhausted. I've been to the doctors, she has done various (unpleasant) tests and everything has come back clear. So now I am on some tablets to stop me from bleeding for the next ten days to give my body a rest and I have to go for an ultrasound scan.

Secondly my middle child is going through a pretty bad spell. She has some emotional problems and has been refusing to go to school meaning that every day is a battle. She has been given a "managed move" so that she can try another school but this has taken a while to get through, and in the meantime her behaviour has been appalling and has been so stressful to me and the other bairns. She is now attending CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services) and I am hoping that this can help her.

These things have obviously had a knock-on effect with my training and also my diet, but I also know that I am needing to get my head back on track. I can't use these as an excuse. So I have decided to draw a line under the last few weeks and this week is the start of new things.

I went to David Fairlamb's bootcamp on Saturday, despite feeling a bit rough with the health problems mentioned earlier, but I wanted to give 100% and was completely shattered when I finished. We had an unusual participant at bootcamp this week. Mark Allison (aka RunGeordieRun) is toying with the idea of doing the London Marathon dressed as a lion (as you do) and so completed bootcamp in his costume. He looked like he had been in a sauna when he took the head off at the end. I can't imagine how he managed it, as I find it hard enough to do bootcamp in jogging pants and 3 layers on a cold day.

I have entered the Blaydon Race in June. So that is another build up run booked in on my journey to the Great North Run in September. It's the same weekend as the Download festival that I was planning to go to, and part of me can't believe that I'm giving up 5 days of rocking out to run from Newcastle to Blaydon, but I know that come June I will have done the right thing. Running is becoming a massively important part of my life.

Then yesterday I had a particularly stressful morning with the bairn, and got home after an hour and a half's struggle to get her to go into school. My head was shouting to hit the bottle or reach for food and I was scared I was going to crack. So I put my running shoes on, headed to Tynemouth and went for a run. I have to use healthy coping strategies to deal with stress and going for a run is certainly preferable to comfort eating and I don't want to break my sobriety after 2 and a half years. Running along the coast is amazing, to be able to focus on the scenery, to be able to put my all in physically and to remember that back in August I could only run for 30 seconds with a 2 minute recovery is certainly better than binging on chocolate.

Then last night I returned to Tyne Bridge Harriers. I am determined to continue running with them, I feel like I can improve massively with them, and think I will be putting my application in to officially join them soon. I was running with Steve last night, and despite being slower than the others he kept me going, setting me small targets and encouraging me on. I know that as the weight comes off I will get faster, I still have a long way to go weight wise but by running, going to bootcamp and eating right I will get there.

As I am feeling tired I am wanting to make sure I get plenty of rest this week, and so I'm setting myself a 10.30pm bedtime this week. It can only do me good. So this next week is about being disciplined. I need to concentrate on my food, my exercise and also my sleep and make sure that I am hitting my targets. I will do it!

I'm lapping people on the sofa

I reached 2 goals since the last post. I reached the landmark of 50lbs lost and I also raised the minimum amount needed for me to do the Great North Run in September. Both goals are absolutely remarkable. The weight loss has made a massive difference in my life. I feel so much better health wise, I feel that I am in control of my weight, not the other way around. The sponsorship target being met means so much more than £400 raised for the NSPCC. In reality it shows me how much my friends and family believe in me. I want to thank each and every one of you who has helped me, not only to reach the £400 for the NSPCC but also for helping me to raise over £500 for Mental Health Matters in the year previous.

I have had a bit of a sore hip at the moment, but with some ice on it after training and some ibuprofen I am not hurting too much. I went to bootcamp on Saturday, and despite it being cold it was an exhilarating experience. I came away from the session feeling like I had worked hard and I knew I had worked hard.

This week saw me try something brand new. For a while my friend Mark, aka Run Geordie Run, has been encouraging me to come along to Tyne Bridge Harriers to go running. I was going to go in November but I picked up the calf strain. Then if I am honest I was too scared to go. Social anxiety is a problem I have to deal with and I have been avoiding going to the club as I was scared that I would be too fat and too slow to run with a group, and I didn't know if I could deal with.

Last night I went to my first training session. I was the slowest in the group, and I was last, but it didn't matter. The group was so encouraging. One of the trainers ran with me, and I managed to complete the circuit. Then I read something this morning that made me think about what I was doing, it said "It doesn't matter how slow you go, you're still lapping those sat on the sofa!" That's what matters to me, I might be the slowest runner BUT I am doing something about it. Last night made me think back to last August when I struggled to run for 30 seconds when I started couch to 5k. Now I have completed two 5k runs, can run 5 miles and am confident that I'll manage the 10k I'm booked in for in March.

I think losing weight, and getting fitter, has a lot to do with mental attitude. If you think you'll fail then you will fail. If you believe you can do it, if you eat less, move more and keep going then you will lose weight, get fitter and feel better. It sounds simple because really it is. Willpower, motivation and dedication is what you need (as Roy Castle would have said). I plan to go back to the running club, and it doesn't matter if I'm the slowest, lagging behind at the back because at least I'm trying and that is the most important thing.

Participate, Enjoy, Suceed.

I travelled up to Edinburgh for my second ever 5k run. The run was the Great Winter Run organised by the same company who organise the Great North Run.

This run was definitely more professionally organised. The pre-run pack included a timing chip for my shoes, my race number with my name on it and loads of information about Edinburgh and the run itself.

I stayed up in Edinburgh on the Friday night and can't fault Premier Inn once again. The staff at Haymarket Premier Inn were really great, warm and friendly.

On the Saturday morning we headed over to Holyrood Park. The park was buzzing with people watching young Scots children running cross-country and they were very impressive.

At 10.50am we lined up and were led in a group warm up. I couldn't see what was going on at the front so at first I tried to copy everyone. In the end I just concentrated on stretching as best I could and getting myself warned up.

There were a lot more people at this event than the last one and we were separated into 4 different starting groups depending on our predicted finish time. I was in the last group to start, Green.

When the run got going it was hard to find my own place to run. For the first half mile people were bunched up before the steep climb began. The uphill section must have continued for about a mile and a half. I found it hard to regulate my breathing, and I was pleased to get to the flatter section. Some people had stopped running and were walking so I passed a lot of people on the uphill section.

After the 2km sign, which also had music blasting, I ditched my gloves as they were annoying the heck out of me. The views were completely stunning, but I didn't have much time to admire them.

My first mile had been slower than I had wanted, due to the vast uphill section, but once the ground was flatter I managed to pick up my pace. I just kept my own run going, occasionally focussing on someone in front as a target to catch up with then once I'd passed them I focused on a new person.

My last mile was the quickest I've ever done at 10.38. It was all downhill and I had to hold myself back, from running even faster. At the mile point I had known I wasn't going to beat my Personal Best from Glasgow, which was 36.37 mins.

As I saw the finish line I heard shouting over my music in my headphones. It was my mam and my two oldest daughters cheering me over the line. After handing over my timing chip, picking up water, a foil blanket and my goody bag I met my family at the well sign posted meet up point.

The organisation of this run was fantastic. There were plenty of marshalls who clapped the runners on around the course. The goody bag included a weighty medal, a training shirt, a bottle of powerade (yuck), an Eat-natural bar, several travel cans of deodorant, some biscuits, some energy sweets, some tissues and body lotion.

By the time I got home to Newcastle I was able to check my official time on the Great Run website and was pleased with the finish time of 38.49, which considering the slow uphill start was better than I thought.

I've been drinking Cherry Active drink after training and did immediately after the run yesterday and can honestly say that my legs felt great today. I've had no aches or stiffness at all.

My next run is in March in Leeds and is a 10k. So now I'm increasing my training run distances. I'm looking forward even more to the Great North Run in September after experiencing Great Run's organisation.

New Year, no excuses.

Well Christmas is well and truly over. I don't think I'd ever write that I was on Tynemouth beach participating in a bootcamp on both Christmas Eve and New Years Eve, but it happened. If this impossible thing can happen then maybe Newcastle CAN win a trophy in my lifetime, well maybe, well ok I know it's unlikely, lol.

I didn't go overboard with my food at Christmas, but I definitely relaxed a bit. Last year (2010) I found Christmas and New Year a really difficult time to deal with being sober. It seemed like everyone was out drinking and it drove me crazy not being able to drink. This year though, drinking hasn't even crossed my mind, and the 2 year and 5 month mark of my sobriety passed without me even noticing. I see this as progress as when I first stopped drinking I was counting hours, not even days, and now months are passing and I didn't even notice.

I weighed myself on Christmas Eve, and again on the 2nd January, and was really surprised and utterly delighted that I had lost 1.5lbs. But instead of making me think "Heck I can just relax my food and I'll still lose weight" it's made me more determined to stick to the healthy lifestyle I was before the depression hit me really badly. I know that for my long term goals to be realised I need to stick to the regime, and that is a healthy diet and exercising.

I am doing the Great Winter Run in Edinburgh this Saturday. This is going to be only my second ever 5k and I'm really looking forward to it. It's hard not to want to beat my time in Glasgow, but I'm going to try and be a realist and just set myself a time I want to beat generally, without taking Glasgow into consideration. I ran 4.13 miles on New Years Day and felt really sluggish and my legs felt really heavy, but I ran 4.22 miles today and was over 4 and a half minutes quicker. This leaves me feeling positive for Saturday. I'm just going to go out there and do my best.

I am also delighted to say that my fundraising for the NSPCC was boosted massively over Christmas and New Year and through my friends generosity currently stands at £351. I feel genuinely humbled by people's belief in me and it spurs me on to keep going. September's Great North Run seems a long way away but I know it will be here before I know it, and so each and every donation means so much. My justgiving page is here if you want to look.  Thank you to everyone who has donated and given me moral support. I can't tell you how much it means.

Reflections

Last week the doctor put me on Zopiclone for alternate nights and it has made a huge difference. To be able to sleep has been fantastic. It has helped me to be able to battle the mood swings and deal with the anxiety a lot better. I am also feeling that although there are times which are hard I have the strength to battle them. 

So I've decided to reflect on what I have done this year and focus on what I aim to do next year. At the start of 2011 I wasn't sure where I was going with my life. I had spent 3 months in hospital with abdominal problems which required 3 lots of surgery before they realised it was my gall bladder. This had left me feeling really depressed, and I got a new care co-ordinator to help me with my ongoing mental health and other problems that stem from Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. 

One of the main things I wanted to tackle was my weight though. I was so unhappy at being the weight I was, it was the heaviest I have ever had. I knew I had to do something about it. This was me at my heaviest, I was so unhappy with how much I weighed. 

And so with the help of my very good friend and motivator Mark Allison and the lads at David Fairlamb fitness  I embarked on my weight loss journey, raising over £520 for Mental Health Matters on the way. I have lost over 3 stone since Easter, and decided that I wanted to give myself a health goal too, and so entered the Great North Run 2012 running for the NSPCC. In October I ran my first ever 5k fun run, in a fairly respectable time of 36 mins 37 seconds which I was absolutely delighted with! 

I am due to run my second 5k run in Edinburgh in the Great Winter Run on January 8th, and have several 10k runs booked in before next September's big one. With help from my magnificent friends and family I have raised nearly half of my sponsorship goal already on my just giving page. I can't believe the financial support I have received, but what means so much more than that is the incredible moral support I have had from my mates. They have shown me that they believe in me and that is what keeps me going. 

This isn't only with the running and fitness though. When depression has hit me they have been there for me, with little messages of support, even when they themselves have been hurting, this was illustrated no more clearly than when Gary Speed tragically left us. At that point I was already struggling with an episode of depression, and even through they themselves were dealing with the shock and grief of losing a hero, I had friend's sending me messages asking how I was coping. I appreciate that so much, I can't even put it into words. However, it wasn't just at this tragic time when I found support. Messages on twitter urging me on meant so much to me, just to know that they cared. Thank you, it has really helped me so much.

And so I am now looking into 2012 and I have set myself some goals for the coming 12 months. I am half way through my first year at University studying Criminology, after receiving 4 unconditional offers. So I want to get my first year completed. Secondly I want to get to my goal weight in 2012. Thirdly I want to achieve my Great North Run goal. I am sure with the continuing help and support from my brilliant friends and family, and also the help from David Fairlamb and his team I will get there and when I reflect on 2012 I want to feel as happy as I feel reflecting on 2011! 

Not up to speed yet.

My run number arrived in the post today for the Great Winter Run in Edinburgh on January 7th. I decided I better start running again.

My period of depression has seen me struggling for several weeks now. I have at times felt suicidal. The desperation and isolation is something I can't describe. The thoughts of suicide aren't really about death, I realise that, but about ending the pain I'm feeling. Depression hurts. People sometimes forget that. Even the numbness hurts, if that makes sense.

I feel that I'm finally coming through the hardest, darkest part of this episode of depression, but I'm still having days when it's really hard to just get going. On Thursday I could literally feel the energy draining out of me. I was unable to stand up without feeling dizzy and weak, I had to go to bed, I couldn't keep my eyes open.

I tried to go for a run this morning. I haven't ran properly since pulling my calf back in November so wasn't sure what to expect. At first I felt that my pace was well down, but at the first mile split it was very, very good. Then I got to 1.5 miles and something happened.

It was if I couldn't run anymore. My body was fine, but I literally couldn't run. I had slowed to a walk, so decided to give myself a couple of minutes. I tried to start running again after that little walk and managed about 2 minutes before I just hit a wall. My head wouldn't let me run. I was furious at myself. There was no-one around and there I was, shouting at myself, trying to get myself going.

In the end I had to concede defeat. I couldn't run anymore and I walked the remaining distance home, feeling angry and disappointed.

I know I'm not 100% mentally at the moment, but I just want to get myself moving physically. My care co-ordinator impresses on me the need to try and keep well physically. But today my body wouldn't respond.

I'm going out for another go tomorrow. I want to get back to where I was before I picked up the calf strain but feel miles away from that now.

Meanwhile I'm trying to count each good day and make then cancel out the bad. I've handed in all my essays at Uni, after getting a weeks extension, and can concentrate on my health at the moment. So my goals over Christmas and the New Year are to exercise, eat right and rest properly to maximise my chances of starting the New Year feeling sharp.