Being all the inhabitants of the 100 acre woods.

I've noticed recently that my mood has been dropping again, and I've been feeling more tired than usual. At times like this it's hard to keep motivated and it's hard to see the goals that I'm actually achieving. Little things that wouldn't usually affect me at all have me crying, things that would just slide off my back are getting to me. My sense of humour has taken a sabbatical. It can be hard to juggle being a single parent, a university student, a recovering alcohol addict and a person who lives with a mental health problem. But I am doing it, I might not be a smiley, cheery person at the moment but I won't let this beat me. A good friend of mine once said "I love you, because over a space of time you are all the inhabitants of the 100 acre woods." I think at this moment in time I am in my Eeyore persona.

Depression is an illness that strikes so many people, it takes the lives of so many people. It can be hard to live with, but it's an illness that I am not ashamed of. I know that while I can take steps to try and avoid a depressive episode it is not my fault if I do have one. I know that I will come through this if I just keep on keeping on, and while it may sound flippant it's not meant to be. For me, when I feel like this, it's about just keeping on putting one foot in front of the other and not stopping until I get out of this black place, as tempting as curling up into a ball and just giving up may feel. I am aware that there are ignorant people out there who think it's funny to deride people who are fighting addictions or living with depression, and I had to deal with someone recently who thought they could use my alcohol addiction recovery to try and hurt me, but to be honest it says so much more about them than it does about me.

Anyway back to the running.

Tyne Bridge Harriers held their first Summer Grand Prix run at Jesmond Dene on Tuesday. I didn't really want to go. It was a flat race, which meant no staggered starts and I knew I would be finishing last. When I'm in a more Tigger mood I can live with this, my "at least you're lapping the people sat on the sofa" mindset at this time gets me through. When I'm in my Eeyore state, though, it's hard to be last all the time. It's like being back in the PE class at school, knowing you are trying so hard but being behind everyone else.

Tyne Bridge Harriers are a magnificent club though. They champion every member's achievements. It doesn't matter if you run a 5k in 16 minutes or 36 minutes, if you've done your best they recognise that. So I went to the summer grand prix on Tuesday and just told myself to do my best. I was last, as I knew I would be, BUT I had every single member who was there cheer me over the finish line. The feeling of knowing that all these people were willing me to do my best was amazing. I truly feel like Tyne Bridge Harriers is my club, and my running family.

I have a 10k in two weeks. It's the Sunderland City 10k and it means me heading into enemy territory for the day. I think the challenge of another 10k will do me good, it's times like this that I need the achievement of something to help me get through the depression successfully. I have to focus on the three important things I highlighted in an earlier blog entry, eating correctly, exercising and getting good quality sleep.

I hope when I next blog I have successfully got through my Eeyore stage and I am a different 100 acre woods inhabitant.

Home free

Yesterday saw me compete in my second ever 10k race. This one was a little bit closer to home than my last one, in face it could only have been closer if it started on my front lawn! The start line for the North Tyneside 10k is literally two minutes walk from my front door, starting at the Parks Sports Centre. With about 2500 runners the entrance to the Sports Centre was very busy, with a huge bottleneck of people trying to get in and out of the centre, but I still managed to see a few familiar faces from the running club.

I met up with my friend, Karen, who I go to Newcastle Parkrun with and my fellow Tyne Bridge Harrier, Davina, who has missed a bit of training recently. Karen is way faster than I am, but Davina and I decided to run together at least at the start to encourage each other. This was my first race in the Tyne Bridge Harriers vest and I felt the weight of representing the club quite heavily. I wanted to do them proud. Therefore I may have had a few more butterflies in my tummy than normal before a run.

The Mayor of North Tyneside, Linda Arkley, started the run at 10am and with Davina and I starting from near the back it took about a minute to get through the start. However we got off to a good pace, running the first mile in 10.32 mins. At the end of the second mile was the dreaded priory hill.

This photo doesn't do the hill justice really. 

Really it's two hills. The first one was beaten due to me shouting at myself, gritting my teeth and going for it. With the second one I managed to get about half way up before I stopped to walk, until Davina said she could see Micky, our coach from the Harriers and we thought it would be best to run again or we'd never hear the end of it. It was great to hear Micky and Leodhais shouting encouragement. 

I knew the rest of the race was flat after the priory so decided just to run as well as I could. Davina recovered from the hill a lot better than me, so she moved ahead of me, but I was still chasing her. We got to the 3 mile point and I decided not to partake in the water on offer after the sluicing of my sinuses on the last 10k I did. 

We got to 5k and Davina shouted back to me that we were on for a 1hr 10 minutes 10k which made me feel great. I knew that I felt comfortable at the pace I was going at that point. There were plenty of people to encourage us on, and it felt great to have people clapping and cheering us. A little boy stuck out his hand for a high-5 and that was lovely. 

At about the 4.5 mile point I started to feel the pace. I knew I had started to slow down, and Davina had pulled away a bit. I was still running a mile in 12 mins on average, but I started feeling a bit wobbly. I can't actually remember this part of the run. The next thing I can remember is between miles 5 and 6 when I had to ask 3 times for people to move out of the way while I was running and they were walking the other way towards me. The first two times I just had to say "Excuse me" to the people walking three abreast. The last time I kind of yelled "Can you get out of the way please!" in an annoyed tone as the group of four people with their dog on a longish lead tried to make the run into an obstacle course. I think my not best pleased voice got them to move pretty sharpish, but it seems rather silly that they can see people are running and decide that they are going to try and force you onto the road rather than move over a bit to let you through!

It was between the 5 and 6 mile point that I started to see Tyne Bridge Harriers who had already finished, and who were shouting their support to me, which really helped me. I was finding it hard to keep going now, and had to find something to keep me going. So I decided to focus on David Rathband and what he had to overcome to be able to run. By telling myself that I was running this last mile for him I managed to keep going. A guy in a red tracksuit ran with me for the last mile and we kept each other going which was lovely. Sometimes you need someone next to you to just spur you on. 

I turned the corner onto the road to St Mary's lighthouse and was so pleased to see the 200m to go sign. I wasn't bothered about time at that point, and didn't even look at my watch. As I passed the 100m to go sign a group which included Tyne Bridge Harriers, my friend Karen and my friend Tony and his wife Shirley were yelling at me to keep going. I didn't know I had it left in my legs but managed to get a sprint going, and just beat red-tracksuit man to the finish. A shake of hands, and collecting a great goody bag, with T-shirt, energy gel, water bottle and a form for the Clive Cookson 10k in May gave me time to have a look at my Garmin which I had stopped at the line. 

I nearly fell over! I had knocked 5 minutes and 37 seconds of my PB! I had finished in 1hr 14 mins and 14 seconds. It was so much better than I could have hoped for. Davina came over and grabbed me, then Karen did the same. I was completely buzzing. After grabbing water we made our way to the car park to get a lift back to the Salutation Inn, to meet a couple of friends, Misty and Bernard, who had completed the race too. I had moaned about the lack of a medal at this race, I love a medal, and Misty had made me a medal that I will cherish always and which Bernard presented me with at the pub over my cranberry and soda. It was a lovely end to a great run and one which I would highly recommend to anyone wanting a fast 10k to do. 

My lovely medal, thanks Misty!

Sobriety rocks

Today I reached another milestone in this great journey that I've undertaken. I am now 2 years and 8 months sober. To say that still totally amazes me. Becoming sober and moving from an alcoholic to a recovering alcoholic has been one of the best things I have ever done. I spoke in my very first post about some of the physical difficulties of stopping drinking.

The first week of coming off the alcohol was awful. The only way I can describe it is like a horrendous bout of flu, not a cold, but proper FLU! My body ached, my head pounded constantly, I sweated, I shook, I vomited and I physically hurt. I had to literally hold onto the mattress on my bed to stop myself getting out of bed in the middle of the night to go and buy alcohol. The craving was horrendous. I had nightmares, I felt like I was dying. Then on the fifth day I woke up and I felt amazing. The headache that I had lived with for years, but never even realised I had was gone. The diarrhoea that I had for years had stopped. I felt as if I suddenly had a veil lifted off me.

From that point on it was about living as an ex-drinker. The physical cravings were gone. The mental cravings would take longer to beat. With the help of AA I attended 90 meetings in 90 days. I had to get the support from people who knew what it was like to go through the pain of alcoholism. It was also in the middle of the break in the football season, which helped me immensely. I knew that I wasn't going to be tempted into pubs before the game which in the early days of my recovery would have been impossible to deal with. When the season started again I had to change my routine on match days. That meant having to change who I was meeting with before games too. I still liked my friends, but the temptation was too much. Funnily enough now I still see these people at the match, but have made a whole new set of friends that I go to the game with now.

After a while I found I was able to start going back to the pubs pre-match. That took time though. Initially when I went back into the bars I couldn't stand the smell of stale beer. It made me feel sick. Now I don't notice it that much. I also don't find not drinking alcohol as hard to take. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I think "Oh I would love a pint of bitter" or whatever, but I know that what I have gained from sobriety matters much more than the taste of beer. I can go out now, drink soft drinks and have such a good time without them. I've been to festivals, derby matches and parties and have enjoyed myself as much, if not more than when I was drinking.

Proud to be a Tyne Bridge Harrier!

Anyway, on to the fitness front. My legs suffered after the 10k last weekend. I don't know if it was the terrain, the actually race itself or the driving to and back from Leeds in less than 24 hours but my hamstrings suffered. On Tuesday the Tyne Bridge Harriers had their final winter Grand Prix run, a 5k around the Quayside in Newcastle. I ran down to the start point and nearly decided to pull out due to the tight feeling in my thighs. However I decided to go for it, and 3 miles has never felt as hard for a long time. I ran it in 36.29 mins, but it felt like a struggle. I tried some stretching on the Tuesday night and Wednesday but the Thursday night run felt hard too. So I decided I needed to rest, and not do the Parkrun in Newcastle on the Saturday and do a longer, slower run on the Sunday.

I aimed for a 7.5 to 8 mile run on the Sunday, which would be my longest run to date. Despite it being quite foggy when I got to Tynemouth it was already warm. However I noticed straight away that my legs felt so much fresher than they had on the Thursday and was able to run more freely. I love being able to run and get my head into that relaxed zone, where I work through any stresses and get time to chill out. Before I knew it I had reached the four mile point, just before St Mary's Lighthouse and turned to run back.

As I was running back I was passed by Denise, Vikki and Jude from the Harriers who all offered me supportive words. It's amazing how great having others acknowledge your effort on a run can feel. Whether its someone shouting at you, a few words as they pass, a thumbs up or a nod of the head the message really helps you along. My legs started feeling the effort by mile 6, and I needed to get some inspiration. I thought about how David Rathband had managed to overcome his injuries and run when he was still recovering. I also thought about how Kath, Ash and Mia had been through so much and that helped keep my legs going. It brings it home to you how lucky you are at times like this.

Just after that a car pulled up alongside me, and at first I wasn't sure what was going on but then saw that Denise, Vikki and Jude were yelling support for me from the car! That was so brilliant, it was as if I had been given a carbs boost. I knew then that I would get back to Tynemouth and focused on that. I can't explain how I felt as I passed the priory at Tynemouth and knew I had ran 8 miles for the first time ever in my life. You definitely get an endorphin rush when you run, but the achievement of being able to run and the massive changes that have happened in my life in the last 2 years 8 months hit me. I have raised nearly £1000 in the last 18 months, and am only £36 away from raising £500 for the NSPCC when I do the Great North Run in September. I had to sit in my car for a little while and just take in what I've done and the belief and support I've had from my friends and family. Thank you all.

I know I still have a long way to go. I'll keep drawing inspiration from people like Mark Allison (aka Rungeordierun), Ivan and Nadine who are raising funds for the Children's Heart Unit at the Freeman Hospital, and the Rathband family and I'm going to reach my goals for everyone who has shown that they believe in me. I'm not going to let you down!

Taking 10

After my last 5k run, which was the Great Winter run in Edinburgh in January, it felt like such a long time until the next run. Well no-one told time that, because my very first 10k, The Wrap up and Run 10k, came hurtling at me and arrived like a big scary monster today. After travelling down to Leeds yesterday and staying with my brother overnight, it was just a short journey to Harewood House to make my next step on my journey to the Great North Run. 

Pre-run, there was a great little assembly area with a stage with a PA guy, a baggage tent, a load of portaloos, a coffee/burger van and an ice-cream van. The PA guy kept giving regular updates about when the race would be starting and announced that a warm up session was going to be held before the run. Now these group warm up's aren't really my thing. I like to try and just get into my own zone and do my own warm up, so while the majority of others were doing some aerobics I went through my own dynamic stretching routine. 

Me doing my warm-up routine!

The race was delayed by 5 minutes because of the weight of traffic still trying to get into the venue, but it wasn't long before the PA guy asked all the sub 45 minute runners to line up, followed by the sub 60 minute runners, then finally the runners for over and hour, which was my call. We weren't made to wait for long at all before the race began, and it took about 3 minutes to filter everyone through. 

When I entered this run it was advertised in runners world as a flat road race. I thought that it sounded perfect. The start of the run was on grass for about the first kilometre, before it moved onto trails that you find in most woodlands and it was very muddy in places and where it wasn't it was stony and very uneven. If I had known this I would have bought/borrowed some trail shoes. It was also the Yorkshire type of flat, which is more commonly known as undulating everywhere else. 

Despite this I completed my first 5k in 36 mins 42 seconds, before reaching the drinks station. Due to the water bottles being screw-top I found out that I can't run and drink water at the same time. Well not without giving my sinuses a good rinse out. So I slowed down to a walk to take some water on. Looking back now I shouldn't have bothered and should have just kept running, but hey ho. 

We were warned pre-run about a hill at about the 7km stage. What they didn't say was that it was blooming massive and went on for well over a kilometre and was so steep that there was no way that I could run up it. I got about 1/4 of the way up before I had to stop running. Not even the hill-work at Tyne Bridge Harriers earlier this week was going to get me up this hill. I decided the best thing to do was to walk up it, and save my energy to finish off the run. 

A Kite waiting to pick off any stragglers on the hill. 

As soon as I reached the top of the hill I started to run again. I knew I had less than 2k left, and had a chance of getting to the finish before my target time. I knew I could make it to the end, and so focused on the task in hand. It wasn't long before we were turning back into the field we had started at. As I crossed the finish line I stopped my watch at 1hr 19mins 51 seconds. I was made up. I had wanted to finish before 1hr 20mins and I had squeaked in with 9 seconds to spare. I collected a bottle of water, Mars Bar and T-shirt, no medal booooooooo, and found my brother just outside the finishing area. 

Within minutes of finishing I received a text from the organisers with both my time from the gun and the time from my timing chip crossing the start line, and my chip time was spot on 1hr 19mins 51seconds. Brilliant. I wasn't last either which was my main fear. I checked my pace on my Garmin and had averaged 12.44 per mile which was great, considering the hill of death had certainly taken its toll. 

The biggest downside of the day was trying to get out of Harewood house. We finally got out 1 hour and 20 minutes after I finished! It seriously took me longer to get out the car parking area and back on the road home than it did to run the 10k! However all in all it was a great event. 

Achieving so much

What a week I've had. It's been amazing!

Firstly I have got my eating well back on track. I had to make a massive effort to control what I was eating, as I was letting food slip back into my diet that I shouldn't have. Because I've got my head back in the game I have lost 6lbs this week. I know that the weight loss is as important as anything else in this journey and it's about getting everything in synch.

After last week's parkrun PB and I have managed to get 19.76 miles under my running belt. With Tyne Bridge Harriers I have been able to concentrate on being able to run better. It's about quality running, I have gone now from sounding like a bust set of bagpipes to being able to hold a conversation while running. It's not the talking though that's the good thing, although it is nice to be able to put the world to rights when you're out on a run, it's the breathing that has been the important thing. I can see that my heart and lungs are coping better with the exertion of exercising. That is a fantastic thing to know.

On Saturday I went to the Newcastle Parkrun again, as the Tyne Bridge Harriers were running their last winter parkrun grand prix race there. The pacesetters were out this week, basically people running the course in a specific time, and I was determined I was going to chase the 35 minute pacesetter as much as I could. I was determined to get a new PB this week. The first two miles seemed to go quite quickly, well quickly for me, but the last mile was a killer. There is a ferocious crosswind on the Town Moor, even on a non-windy day and I felt at times like I was taking one step forward and two back. However with less than half a kilometre to go Micky from running club became my personal cheerleader, I could hear him shouting at me to keep going all the way to the end, and he definitely helped me to dig in and get to the end and as I crossed the line I had taken a massive 46 seconds off this week, a new 5k time of 36.03 minutes. Looking at the photos taken later on I definitely looked worse for wear, pale and interesting as my mam would say.

I've decided that for the next few parkruns I am going to concentrate on just running them, rather than aiming for PB's. My pace is improving all the time, I know I can get better too with practice and help from the running club, but I don't want to push too hard to quickly.

On Sunday I had decided to break the mental barrier of the 10k. I am doing the Age UK Wrap up and Run 10k on Mothering Sunday and there is no way I wanted to go into that without having managed the 10k distance, because I knew I would doubt my ability. One of the lasses from running club, Davina, said she would come along with me on the run. Davina is brilliant. She is a lot like me, as in we don't have the stereotypical runners' build, but we do have bags of determination, we're stubborn and we are going places.

We met at Tynemouth and the sun was shining beautifully. It really felt like spring.

Starting at the Priory we just set off and ran, the aim not being the pace, but getting that 10k barrier shattered. Having the lovely Davina with me really helped me. We chatted about all sorts of stuff and it felt great to be able to talk about why I am running, what I want to achieve, what she has achieved and basically keeping each other motivated.

I got to 3.5miles out and turned back (Davina needed a quick pit stop to powder her nose so I had run a little way on my own). I felt really great, strong and happy. Then I got to the Surf shop at Tynemouth and my legs felt like cement. Without Davina there telling me she wasn't going to let me stop I probably would have started to just walk, but I managed to keep on going. Getting to the corner just past the Grand Hotel and I felt like all the heaviness had gone in my legs. It was if the knowledge of being on the home strait had energised me, and I finished feeling stronger. I was delighted to see that not only had I broken the 10k barrier, I had absolutely smashed it! 11.3k in total! ELEVEN POINT THREE K!!!

I now feel like I can go to Leeds on Sunday and I will manage the 10k, because I know I can run even further than that! Getting that 10k wall smashed down has been brilliant!

This week is planned to get a little bit of running in with Tyne Bridge Harriers and plenty of rest too. I'm still keeping my eating on track and hope to have another nice weight loss for next week. All in all I'm feeling so positive and motivated, and ready to take on the world.

Smoother running

Since the Grand Prix I have felt like my running has been going a lot better. At the moment it is about consistently getting out, getting miles under my belt and making little improvements.

I attended the Newcastle Parkrun again this weekend past. After the run I enjoy a cuppa with my good friend, Karen which is one of the highlights of my week, but the run is important too, lol. This week saw the sad death of PC David Rathband, and David was someone who attended the parkrun with his running partner Kerry. So it was apt to mark his death with a minutes silence, a balloon was released and many people, including David's twin brother Darren, ran in Blue Lamp Foundation t-shirts. It proved to be quite a sombre occasion. I decided to run this week for David.

The parkrun this week felt considerably easier than the last one, which I wasn't that happy with. I knew after 2 miles that my pace was considerably faster than the previous parkrun. I kept on going, despite a really strong wind in the last mile, and Karen was waiting at the final corner cheering me on. I crossed the line and found I had knocked a staggering 4 minutes off my last parkrun time. It was a new PB for me, and I was absolutely delighted with it! That was for you David, I hope I did you proud. To see the improvements in my running over time is motivating me to keep going.

I also managed my longest run so far with Tyne Bridge Harriers on Tuesday. 5.11 miles was ramped up on a cold Tuesday night around Byker, along the coast road and then along Chillingham Road. My pace is definitely improving over the longer runs too and that is important for me with my first 10km coming up. However the camaraderie within Tyne Bridge Harriers is something that I am enjoying too. I haven't come across one person who believes they are better than anyone else. Each person's achievement is celebrated no matter who they are.

I hope to run 10km this Sunday for the first time. It is important for me to get the distance broken before the run at Harewood House on Mothering Sunday, mentally more than anything else. I know I can do it, I just have to get out there and hammer it!

Running in circles

Last weekend saw me participate in the Newcastle Parkrun at Exhibition Park in the city centre. It's a weekly free event, you against the clock. All you need is to register on the park run website and print off the barcode that comes in your welcome email and you are set to go. Along with my friend Karen, I headed into Newcastle for 9am for a cold and blustery 5km run. I felt like I had cement in my running shoes. I don't know if it was a lack of running in the week before, or the cold or what, but I felt like I was taking 2 steps forwards and 1 step back all the way round. I finished the course last, and felt like I hadn't put my best in. However I've decided to do the Parkrun on alternate Saturdays with bootcamp on the other Saturday and want to see a marked improvement in my times on this course.

On Tuesday I went to Tyne Bridge Harriers, and signed my papers to join them. Since starting training with them I have felt nothing but made welcome. Despite there being a wide range of abilities there isn't any elitism. I feel like by joining I will improve my running immeasurably. It was their penultimate Grand Prix event on Tuesday evening. Basically its a Yacht handicap system, where the person with the slowest 5km time starts first and the fastest starts last. This means that everyone finishes at about the same time. Naturally I started first with two other lasses, and while one was faster right from the start me and the other one ran the whole route together keeping each other going around the course.

It was nice to not be trailing at the back from the very start. From Glasshouse street we ran to the Pitcher and Piano, across the swing bridge, along to the Millennium bridge and across and then back along to Glasshouse street. I had managed to keep a little bit in my tank to pull away from the lass I had ran with at the very end and finished 5 seconds in front of her, and third from last. I had run the 5km in a time 2 minutes and 43 seconds faster than on the Newcastle Parkrun on the Saturday. I felt so much happier with this effort, and it's set me a bench mark for the final Winter Grand Prix in four weeks.

My number has arrived for my first 10km, the Age Uk Wrap up and Run at Harewood House in Leeds on Mothering Sunday.

I am so nervous about doing this 10km. Like my first 5km I haven't set a specific time that I want to get, I just want to finish my first 10km. It's just another step on my way to the Great North Run. But it will be a step up from what I have achieved before. Before then, though, I just need to keep the training going in. Thanks once again for all your support, I couldn't do it without you all.