Just keep plodding

So the cortisone injection hasn't made much, if any difference. Despite regularly going to the gym and swimming a mile at a time and/or cycling 20-25km I still can't walk comfortably. I'm having to take Tramadol to deal with the pain. This is having an adverse affect on my mental health, as living with constant pain is wearing me down. I feel like I'm limited in what I do. I'm having to use my crutches almost constantly.

So I was scheduled to have a treatment known as GPS on July 2nd. Arriving at the hospital at 7.30 I was quickly settled into a 4 bay room where I went through the general questions and consent forms that are necessary with any medical procedure.

My left leg was marked up so that they made sure they were doing the procedure on the correct foot. 

Then I was whisked off to theatre. Despite the procedure being done under local anaesthetic it has to be done in an operating theatre for safety reasons. After numerous checks to make sure I was who they said I was, and hadn't hopped off the trolley and smuggled an impostor in, the registrar cleaned my foot with antiseptic and then injected the base of my foot with local anaesthetic. Oh my goodness! The pain of having that done is unbelievable, and all I could do was try to keep breathing and just tell myself it would be over soon. My foot was soon starting to feel tingly and then numb. While the doctor was waiting for the local anaesthetic to work he took some blood from my arm, 30mls to be precise. 

The blood is placed into a special tube, and then placed in a centrifuge machine to spin it around really fast. This separates the red cells from the white cells, and then the plasma part of the blood is re injected into the affected foot. 

This process takes around 18-20 minutes, and so it gave plenty of time for my foot to numb up. The doctor was happy to talk about the procedure, telling me that in 80% of cases it works and the foot pain clears up completely. The plasma is injected because the fibrous tissue in that part of the foot doesn't have a great blood flow and so this gets the healing cells straight to where they are needed. 

Once the blood had been spun, it was removed from the machine. The doctor showed me how the red blood cells were at the top of the tube, there was a pinky coloured substance in the middle which was the plasma, and a clear substance at the bottom. The doctor pulled the red blood cells out of the tube with a syringe, and discarded that into the medical waste, then he drew 3mls of the plasma into a syringe and injected that into the base of my foot. This wasn't as bad as the local anaesthetic going in, as obviously my foot was numb. 

After that had been done, and a sticky plaster placed over the injection site I was taken into recovery, just to make sure my blood pressure and pulse was ok and then it was back to the ward for tea, toast and to be presented with my new best friend, my moonboot. 

The boot is there to keep my foot and ankle in one position. For the first three days I had to keep the boot on constantly for 24 hours, then until the first week was up I had to keep it on 24 hours a day apart from when I was washing. This happened to coincide with the hottest spell of weather that Britain has had for years. Typical. Add the boot to a pair of shoulder crutches for the first week, and I was pretty much set to go home. 

Trying to stay off my feet for 3 days was unbelievably hard. I didn't realise how much I actually moved around. Getting upstairs to the bathroom, or even just from the sofa to the kitchen was a struggle. It's really frustrating when you can't get from A to B faster than a snail. After the first week I was allowed to take the boot off at night, but had to wear it the rest of the time, to give my foot a chance to heal. I noticed almost immediately that having the support from the boot helped immensely. But after a couple of days I noticed a strange feeling in my second and third toe, and it feels as if there is slight nerve damage, with my toes either feeling numb or tingly. 

I'm now a month on from the procedure and followed the instructions the consultant gave me to the letter. Unfortunately, though, despite the procedure and the rest, and the boot I am still in pain. My foot still feels tight, not so much in my Achilles, but my plantar fasciitis seems only slightly improved, I'd say around 20% better. This is really disappointing for me. I had hoped that it would work and by this point I would be pain free. 

I see the consultant again in ten days, and I'm not sure what the next step of the process is. I have read about an operation called a "plantar release". It seems that most cases of plantar fasciitis should be completed cleared by a year in, well I'm around that point now and I've thrown everything I can at it. From stretching and frozen water in a pepsi bottle, to massage and acupuncture, to cortisone and this latest procedure. I feel I'm no closer to running again than I was at the start of the year.

It's had a massive impact on my mental health. It's really hard to watch other people running races you know you would have been in, while you are sat on the sidelines with no light at the end of the tunnel. The Great North Run is in just over a month, and it hurts to know I won't be running this year. Running did amazing things to me, not only helping me to lose weight, but giving me targets to achieve and boosting my self-confidence when I reached those targets, to just having the time and space when out running to go through my mental filing cabinet and deal with the stresses of life. I desperately want to get back to that place. 

I've spoken about how depression feels for me before and how my mental health affects my life. I feel so restricted at times, and that in itself makes me angry. When I'm lying in bed in the morning and it takes all my effort to get out of it, or when I'm stood at my front door, unable to pull on the handle to go outside, when the world goes from glorious technicolour to monochrome, or when everything seems amplified, noise, sound, smells and all I want is peace, quiet and stability, when I'm doubting that I'll be able to ride this wave out, and wondering why I keep trying to get back on the surfboard when life and depression keeps knocking me off, this illness feels like it's mocking me. Telling me that I was an idiot for ever thinking I would succeed. And it takes masses of energy just to keep going. Then I go to bed at night, absolutely worn out from just existing, and lie awake, sleep eluding me, and the more I can't sleep, the more angry about it I become as I know the next day will already be hard, as I'm going to be tired. 

But life is a challenge. This illness, depression and Borderline Personality Disorder will not beat me. 10% of all people with BPD end up committing suicide and I don't want to be part of that statistic. So I keep on trying to just take each day as it comes. One fabulous achievement that I have attained is 4 years sobriety. This year has been an incredibly difficult one. There are moments when I would have welcomed the oblivion that alcohol can provide, however I know I have far too much to lose if I drink and that keeps me sober. However hard things feel at the moment, they would feel 100 times harder coupled with alcohol and a hangover. 

Each day is a journey through life. You can try and embrace it, even with the restrictions of illness, or you can give up. Personally I will do everything I can each day to hit the small targets that I set myself when depression hits, getting up, trying to keep in touch with friends and family, trying to focus on small positives. And that is all that I can ask of myself at the moment. 

Still on a sick note....

Hey there, 

Well I wish I could give you good news. But nope, I've been continuing the physio which has made slight progress. But nothing has really changed. I feel like I'm taking two tiny steps forward and one big step back. It's hard to describe because although I know there is progress it's so slow and so minimal that I don't feel like it can be measured week by week. I am better than I was back in February but not good enough to walk yet. 

Helen the physio at Physio Plus has been amazing. Not only has she dealt with the injuries to my foot and leg but she's seen me go up and down in mood. It certainly distracts me when she's trying to unknot my calf muscle if I can talk to her about how I'm feeling about being injured. Helen's tried all the conventional treatments on me for plantar fasciitis. Massage, both in my calf which knots up every week to some extent, and in my plantar fascia. That is sore, but it's the kind of pain that you know is actually doing good. She can feel the inflammation in my foot and can judge how it's doing. She's also used ultrasound therapy on the sole of my foot and taping. 

We have also tried acupuncture. I think I'm the biggest sceptic in the world when it comes to alternative and complementary therapies. But I was willing to give it a go. Helen placed tiny thin needles down my calf which didn't hurt at all. I couldn't even feel them. Then she got to the foot. Now if you think about a foot there isn't much padding down there around the bones and in the arch of the foot. So sticking needles under my ankle bone and by my toe joints wasn't pleasant, but was bearable. We then had a discussion about whether to try a point directly in the plantar fascia, basically in the arch of the foot. After consulting with Cathryn, another physio, Helen thought it might be worth a try and I just said "oh go on give it a go!" 

Helen went to put the needle in the sole of my foot, and as it went in I took off from the bed! The pain was bad enough to make me jump! That caused Helen to jump, while Cathryn dissolved into a fit of giggles. After extracting me from a supply cupboard located at the end of the massage bed (no not really) a mutual decision was made to take that needle straight out! Despite my new long jump/high jump PB from a lying flat position, acupuncture didn't really do much.    
I have to say, working with physios who actually have a laugh and a human side, as well as being professional helps so much. I'm able to be honest with Helen about what I think is making a difference and what isn't

I had an appointment with a foot and ankle specialist at the hospital too. I really didn't know what to expect when I went to see him. Helen wrote him a letter describing what we had tried. He asked me to tell him about the injury and said that he thought the first course of treatment should be a cortisone injection into the plantar fascia. My heart sank. Not just because I'd only had a needle in the base of my foot a few weeks earlier courtesy of Helen, but because I've heard about how painful cortisone injections are. But I know that this isn't clearing up on its own. So I sat on the bed and asked the nurse "is this going to hurt?" To which she replied "yes, unfortunately!" Wow, thanks for that, lol. 

Cortisone is a steroid injection which is mixed with a local anaesthetic to help it spread. The doctor felt around the arch of my foot to find where the pain was most acute then injected it. It's done quite slowly. The pain is immense I must say and I did hold the nurses hand. The local anaesthetic numbs the foot for several hours. So by the time I got to the car park my foot was completely asleep. The anaesthetic wore off though after about 3 hours and oh my god did the pain kick in. The cortisone can cause a flash reaction where the pain increases temporarily and I ended up back on my crutches for 2 days. 

Once the immediate pain of the flash wore off I was anxiously hoping for an improvement in my foot, however up to now, 8 days later, my foot feels the same as it did before the jab. I have to go back to the hospital in 6 weeks and the doctor has said he is then going to consider a treatment that is basically when my own blood is taken and injected into the damaged tendon. 

My mood has been up and down over the past few weeks. I honestly believe the Internet does more good than harm but you always get idiots. A group of keyboard warriors found this blog and decided to take the piss out of me for running, having been overweight and diabetic and my mental health problems. I find it strange that people think that by throwing something I'm completely honest about they're going to hurt me. I mean calling someone "fat" or "forest gump" is rather infantile even by my standards, and I'm not the most grown up adult out there, however I believe it said more about them than me. I'll always be proud of what I achieved through running and even though this injury has become more serious than I thought I'll get back to running eventually. 

Helen and I have discussed the running and come to a decision that 2013 is not realistic to run again as I can't walk without pain. So I'm using the rest of the year to recover and start psyching myself up for 2014. It's been hard deferring my places that I already had in runs, mentally seeing others start the road running season with aims and goals really did hit hard. But I can come back stronger next year by taking it easy and doing as I'm told this year. 

As you know I like to raise funds for charity and this year it's for David Rathband's blue lamp foundation.  I had said I'd run all year for them but that's not possible so I've had a rethink. I'm now going to swim 190 miles for the cause, which was David's badge number, and ironically the distant between the Tyne Bridge and Stafford University, as I'm a Geordie lass and David was from Stafford. I'm just thankful he wasn't Tango 1900 as 190 miles is far enough to swim. If you want to donate to my just giving page it's at www.justgiving.com/howaythelass and I'm aiming to raise £1000, to help the emergency services personnel injured on duty. Any donations are received with thanks. 

So that's where I'm at. A long way to go. But you know me, I'm not one for giving in! 

No light at the end of the tunnel

Hello, 

I bet you've all been wondering where I got to. Aye right. None of you missed me eh? Well let's bring everything up to date. Last time I blogged I had just completed the Great North Run, and had been injured at mile 5. 

I'm still injured. I went to the Walk in centre 3 times immediately after the Great North Run although they should have called it the limp in centre. I felt like something was stabbing into the bottom of my foot. I thought maybe I had a stress fracture or something but the nurse practitioner assured me that where the pain was located wouldn't suggest a stress fracture. Eventually my GP arranged an x-ray for me just to be on the safe side and it came back clear so it was obviously soft tissue damage. I thought a bit of a rest and ice and stuff would sort it. So I rested, and iced, and did some basic stretching and got frustrated as September turned into October into November and Christmas arrived with me still sore. 

I knew there was a problem with my Achilles' tendon but my foot felt so weird. It was as if I had a tight rubber band across the sole of my foot. The GP arranged for me to see the bio mechanical people at the hospital and although I saw the NHS physio I didn't really get any relief. 

When the New Year came I decided to try and run a mile to see what my foot felt like. What a mistake. My Achilles' tendon tightened straight up, the stabbing pain in my foot returned after half a mile and although I finished the mile I limped back home feeling dejected and down. 

I needed to do something. Just resting my foot wasn't making a blind bit of difference so after seeking advice about private Physios I booked in for an assessment at Physio plus in Newcastle. Immediately I felt like I was addressing the problem properly. After explaining the symptoms the sports therapist checked my legs in various ways such as stretching to see how flexible both legs were, got me to push against her hands with my feet, or stop her from moving my feet, and standing on one leg. 

She gave me a sports massage to loosen my tight calf, which wasn't the most pleasant thing when you are sore. She wasn't 100% sure what was wrong and so made an appointment for me to see the physio to check it wasn't a nerve problem as I could feel pain in my foot when she was massaging my calf. 

The following week I went to see Helen, who repeated some of the tests done the week before, massages my very tight left calf, 
massaged the sole of my foot and said she could feel tenderness and resistance in it. Then she taped my foot up. I was a bit sceptical that a bit of tape might make any difference but I walked out of the physio's that week a lot easier than I walked in.

The appointments since have seen me have my calf unknotted each week, as it seems to like tightening back up at any given opportunity, some ultrasound, which doesn't hurt, some tens therapy, which while it feels like pins and needles again doesn't hurt and taping of my foot. A diagnosis of plantar fasciitis has been made. My Achilles is also very tight and my calf is obviously a problem 
too. I can link it all back to my sore calf after the Jane Tomlinson 10k in Leeds back last July. It goes to show that not getting treated swiftly after an injury can impact massively. 

I've also seen the biomechanics department and after a similar assessment I was given orthotics to wear in my shoes, and have to go back in April. Helen the physio has suggested that I ask my GP to make a referal to the foot and ankle specialist at the local hospital to see what they believe the best treatment is for my foot as it isn't resounding very quickly to treatment and it continuously feels like two steps forward and one step back. 

I have no return date set for running yet. We have to get to a point where I can walk comfortably without pain before I can even think about that. I have found it very hard to motivate myself and have been frustrated and even depressed about this injury. I used running as a way of dealing with my stress, and seeing others progressing while I have no light at the end of the tunnel is hard. 

I'm now watching 10k's come up which I should be running but can't. The North Tyneside 10k is at the end of March and I have no hope of doing that. The Blaydon Race which I ended like a drowned rat last year is only 3 months away. It's very frustrating to not know if I'll be running any time soon. 

the longest mile

As you might remember from last time I had a bit of a set back with an injury to my foot. It really put the whole run in jeopardy. Despite all the training I have done in the past year there is no way I was going to risk a permanent injury. However I didn't want to let down the people who had sponsored me throughout my training too. My total stands at this point at £741 and you can still sponsor me here hint hint, lol.

I didn't run at all until the Sunday before the Great North Run. The crutches were a complete pain, making my shoulders and back ache but they were a necessary evil. On the Sunday before the Great North Run I did a slow paced 5k run to test my foot, and despite it being a couple of minutes slower than my usual 5k time I got round without any reaction to my injury. For the rest of the week I continued to rest and made sure I didn't stress the foot any further.

On the Saturday night I taped my foot and ankle with KT tape  and taped my toes which are prone to blisters. I felt like a bairn at christmas when I went to bed. I had asked my pal Graham to give me an alarm call at 6.30am if he hadn't heard from me before that to make sure I didn't sleep in. I was full of nerves and excitement and could I sleep? Could I heck! I was up and down like a yo-yo and was really hacked off by 3am. I was sure I would have trouble getting up when my alarm went off at 6am.

However when my alarm went off I was up and raring to go. I had my shower then my porridge and coffee and was out the door to catch the metro at 8am to meet my other friend Karen in Newcastle.

So many people were on Northumberland Street in Newcastle when I emerged from Monument metro. I saw teddy bears, batman and robin, cavemen and runners in all sorts of charity vests and t-shirts as well as the club runners making their way up to the start line. Despite being in Newcastle early I managed to miss the baggage bus by 1 minute, and had to put my bag into the late van!

After hugging Karen, who was in another pen, I made my way into my area and wandered about until I found a space that felt right. I got talking to a few girls around me who were psyching themselves up for the run and for once I actually joined in the warmup. We all agreed that we had a massive amount of butterflies in our stomach. Just before the race began the Red Arrows flew overhead which was immense.

It took a while to walk to the start line but with each step my nerves seemed to decrease. And then we were off. Along the central motorway with people already cheering us on and I felt good. Running through the tunnelled parts chants of "Oggy Oggy Oggy" were met with "Oi Oi Oi" and a mile flew past. Before I knew it I was at the Tyne Bridge, and I actually got goosebumps as I ran over the iconic landmark and was through the 2 mile point with ease and heading towards Gateshead International Stadium.

At 3 miles I took my first energy gel and grabbed a bottle of water at the drinks station to wash it down. The people at the sides of the road clapped and cheered us on despite the drizzly rain. Four miles down and I was actually enjoying the run. Then at just before five miles I felt a twinge in my foot, I managed to get to 5 miles in 55 minutes which was a cracking time but my foot was starting to really hurt.

I decided to walk for a while and see what happened. I walked for about 100m then started jogging again, and basically this was my strategy for the next 8 miles. I would run for as far as I could before the pain in my foot would force me to walk for a while. I knew my brilliant first 5 miles had been whittled away by the injury but still hoped to get to the finish before the 3 hour mark. My friend Ali would be between the 10 and 11 mile point and so I focused on getting there, getting a hug and a pep talk and making it to the end of the run.

Each mile was becoming harder and harder as not only the pain in my foot increased but my toes started to blister too. I kept overtaking people around me, but would be overtaken back by them when I walked and then overtake them again when I ran again. At 8 miles I took another energy gel and got a bottle of water and a hug from British Paralympian and one of my sporting heroines, Tanni Grey-Thompson. That was a massive boost for me. As the roundabout approached where Ali would be I spotted her immediately and ran to get a hug. I can remember saying "Ali I'm struggling" but I can't remember what she said to me, but it gave me a boost. She got her lads to unwrap some chewy sweets for me to carry with me to keep me going, got me psyched up again, took a couple of photos and then I was away again.

Each step was now agony. I passed through mile 11, the Killer hill, and on to mile 12. There is a steep downhill section before you turn on to the sea front. I tried to run this, but the force of going downhill on my foot was too much and I was slowed to a walk again. A lass in front of me was running well when all of a sudden she pulled up too. By the looks of it something in her knee had gone and she just about collapsed. St Johns Ambulance were soon with her but as I passed her she was protesting that she would be finishing.

Turning on to the sea front I passed the mile 12 point and knew I was nearly finished. However I think it is the longest mile I have ever done. It just seemed to go on and on and on. I was definitely on empty. Each step now felt like I was treading on glass, my toes were blistered, my foot was shooting a sharp pain through it whenever I put weight on it. I was trying to concentrate on anything other than the pain, and looked for my family in the crowds, as I knew they would be at the end of the run somewhere.

As I approached the end of the run I could see the finish line, and putting in one last burst of effort crossed the line, forgetting to stop my garmin as I did! DUH! The feeling of elation was something I can't describe. I had done it. My mobile phone buzzed and my official time came through and it was 3 hours 8 mins and 42 seconds. Slower than I had hoped but considering I had struggled for 8 miles, missing my goal of 2 hours 45 minutes by 23 minutes was nothing. I had done it!

The longest walk of my life then ensued as I made my way from the finish line to the T-shirt point. I limped my way to the goody bag point and on to the exit towards the NSPCC marquee when I saw my brother and his lass. The hug he gave me has never felt so welcoming. He grabbed hold of me and just about carried me to the tent, where my mam was waiting with a coffee and a massive hug that nearly suffocated me. The NSPCC team were giving out bananas, donuts, coffees and more importantly massages and I got my calves immediately massaged while my friends Clare and Barry who had just finished too came and chatted but I'm not too sure I was good company at that point lol.

I still cannot believe that I have completed a half marathon. It has amazed me that a lass who couldn't easily walk 2 miles 18 months ago has completed 13 miles. I need to rest my foot for a while but I will be back and on to my next fundraising project soon.

Last minute setback

For the last 15 months I have been training hard to both lose weight and get myself fit enough to run the Great North Run, and I can't count the hours and miles I have put in so that I reach my goal on September 16th. I've lost 58lbs in weight and so many people have sponsored me on my Justgiving page here that not only did I raise the £400 required by the NSPCC but I blasted through my own £500 target and am now at 125% of my target. I want to thank everyone who has donated money, each donation has shown me that people believe in me.

Over the last year, though, I have had a recurring nightmare that I would injure myself just before the big day and not be able to run. I have been pretty lucky when it comes to injuries this year, nothing more than a few pulled muscles and nasty blisters have hit me. But just when I thought I was home free, two weeks ago I suddenly felt a sharp stabbing pain in my foot while I was out running with Tyne Bridge Harriers.  I managed to finish the session, got home and immediately iced my foot with my medicinal broccoli.

However the pain and swelling in my foot didn't subside as quickly as I would have liked. I am sure runners will know exactly what I mean when I say I didn't want to get my foot checked out, for fear of being told it was a serious injury and that I wouldn't be able to run. However after a week of painkillers, rest and ice the pain in my foot was too much to bear. The result:

Possible stress fracture, foot immobilised and crutches. I was devastated! However it was exactly what my foot needed. Being immobilised and with the aid of the crutches I have felt a massive improvement in it, and have managed to go through today without the crutches. The pain has subsided so much, and while my calf and Achilles feel a bit tight I am a lot more hopeful of running a week on Sunday.

I am not going to risk a more serious injury, if there is any doubt in my mind at all I won't run, however I am not prepared to just sit on my backside and mope about it.

I got a tweet off a follower who asked me to consider entering a piece to Sky Tyne and Wear about why I am doing the Great North run and I am going to. I feel that I have a duty to pass on my experience of losing weight and getting fit to others. I am no different to anyone else who struggles to lose weight. The thing I discovered was that I had to have goals and determination to get where I want to be and if I could help other people realise that with effort and belief they can get to where they want to get to then it would make my achievements all the sweeter.

So for the next 10 days I am concentrating on cycling, resting and hopefully I will be lining up in Newcastle on September 16th to achieve a lifetime goal. Keep everything crossed for me.

Another chapter written.

It's 7 weeks until the Great North Run. It's hard to imagine that. Time has flown so quickly since the start of the year, when the half marathon seemed so far away. Last weekend saw my last 10k before the Great North Run, when I completed the Great North 10k around Gateshead and the south side of the Quayside. I wanted to push for a new 10k PB as I had felt so strong in my previous runs.

The organisation in Great Run races always seems to be spot on. From race numbers with your names printed on, information in booklets with course maps, travel details and clear sign posting on the day, to plenty of friendly marshals and a blooming marvellous goody bag at the end their races might seem more expensive than others of similar distances but you do get a lot for your money.

The race started outside Gateshead International Stadium. I knew quite a few people who were doing the run but saw only a couple of faces before hand. One of those was my good friend, and inspiration, Graham Smith who is aiming to run 2012 miles in 2012. He has been struggling with an injury recently and I hoped he had a good run around the course.

When we went to line up there was the usual aerobic style warmup. I really don't like these. My coordination is pretty poor and I can guarantee while everyone else is going left I'll be going right, or something daft like that. So I decided to have a quick jog around the back of the section. There were several lasses who obviously needed to powder their noses pre-race but rather than risk missing the start had just walked to the back of the starting section, whipped their shorts down and were watering the grass verges. I can't say it's something I would fancy doing myself but if you need to go I guess you need to go.

The race was set off in different groups so that the faster runners weren't held back by the plodders. We were "entertained" by someone from the local radio station before it was our time to go. By the time we were about to start it had just started to rain but the sky was promising it would just be a shower so it wasn't going to be a repeat of the Blaydon Swim Race. We set off and it wasn't half a mile in before I was passing people who were walking already. The course wound its way through a lovely industrial type park before heading down to the River Tyne. I wasn't wearing headphones today as I wanted to try and take in the atmosphere by the river and while I had my Garmin on I had promised myself I wouldn't look at it until close to the end. Even so I knew that my first mile seemed fast but not to a point where I was uncomfortable.

We got to the riverside right by the Baltic Art Gallery and I suddenly heard people shouting my name. It was my friends, Alison and Jos who had brought their families down to cheer me on. It's such a massive boost to have people cheering for you. I ran on past the millennium bridge and past the Tyne Bridge when someone tapped on my shoulder. I was wearing a sign that comes with the number for the race saying that I had lost over 4 stone in weight. Someone behind me had read it and was congratulating me. It wasn't long before someone else did the same thing again. And again. In total about 7 or 8 people congratulated me mid-run for losing weight and running. It certainly put a massive spring in my step.

Just before the 5k point the course turned back along the way it had come and we were heading back past the Swing Bridge, the Tyne Bridge, past the Sage building and back along past the Baltic. Again my friends Alison and Jos were putting their massive voices to good use, and I also saw Micky, my coach from Tyne Bridge Harriers.

After hi-5'ing Jos I headed along back towards the stadium. I was feeling really strong until the 8k point. I don't know whether it was the weather, the course or just fatigue but I knew I was starting to find it harder and I had the dreaded hill to come. When I looked later I was on for completely smashing my PB up until the last mile. Then I had a shocker. In the last km there is a hill which is a killer when your legs are zapped I just couldn't get myself up that hill running and I ended up walking. I was furious with myself! There were definitely some swear words used as I stomped up the incline. Once I got to the top I had to start running again, and my hips were feeling stiff. But I was determined to get across that line. Powered on by anger or frustration or something I kept putting one foot in front of the other. A lass was struggling outside the stadium and I spoke to her and said "come on pet, run with me." Entering the stadium was great, I immediately spotted my mam, eldest daughter and my brother who were there to cheer me home. It's amazing to know you are running on the same track as so many running greats, and rounding the bend with less than 150m to go I said to the lass, "Howay, it's just a Usain Bolt distance now." With about 30 metres or less to go we grabbed each others hands and crossed the line together. I had missed a PB by 18 seconds and was annoyed at first but then realised that I had done it. Another 10k under my belt!

At the water point I saw Rob and Anji from Tyne Bridge Harriers who were helping out, which was lovely, although I did try and concuss Rob by hitting him with a full water bottle when giving him a hug. Sorry Rob! And so I have the pride of completing another race. Wearing another T-Shirt that shows I have done it, getting another medal which I'll keep forever (I do love a medal).

Who gave the idiot a foil blanket!

Friday saw the biggest occasion of the year for me so far. On Friday 27th July I reached 3 years sober. I've spoken about my drinking before. How hard it was to stop. How life has changed since I made that decision. But this year was different. When I mentioned that the date was coming up my friend Elaine organised a party for me. It was so lovely that my friends wanted to celebrate my sobriety with me. We went to Mamma Mia's in Newcastle, had a great meal, a fantastic laugh and I spent time with people who mean so much to me. Life is barely recognisable from what it was 3 years ago. I feel healthier, I feel stronger, I feel that I have people in my life who genuinely care about me. It's not about dulling the senses with alcohol, it's not about pushing the self destruct button randomly. Life is now about making a success of myself, having goals that I'm achieving and enjoying the time I have with my girls and my friends and family. Life is precious.

Constantly improving

The last fortnight has been magnificent in terms of running. First up was the Jane Tomlinson 10k.  Jane Tomlinson was a truly inspirational woman. Diagnosed with breast cancer and given 12 months to live in 2000, Jane defied all the doctors predictions and competed in the London Marathon twice, the New York Marathon, two London Triathlons and cycled over Europe and the USA. She raised a remarkable  £1.85 million for charity. Her "run for all" races in Leeds, York and Hull live on as a testimony to a wonderful woman.

It was certainly the biggest race I have ran in up to now. The day dawned and the sun shone for Jane. In fact it was a beautiful summers day in what has been undoubtedly the wettest summer in years. As I made my way to Millennium Square in Leeds I was looking forward to the run, hoping for a good time.  The groups for the start were banded into "runners', "joggers" and walkers. I was in the middle section.

The start was very crowded, and there was a real jostle for places in the first mile. Elbows were certainly being employed as people fought for a space to run in. This wasn't helped by people who were obviously planning to walk the run starting with the joggers, and trying to manoeuvre around people strolling 5 abreast was not easy. However I managed the first mile in 10 minutes 13 seconds and from there the field certainly thinned out.

The event is certainly well planned. The marshals are along there with the best I have experienced so far, friendly and encouraging and the first 3 miles passed in a very pleasing 31 minutes and 54 seconds. The day was warm and there were water stations every two miles, which was very welcome and I managed to drink on the run without sluicing out my sinuses and then poured some water over my head which helped cooling me down

I definitely felt myself tiring by the end of the race despite the course being flat and the last mile seemed to drag. The finish line was back at the Headrow in Leeds and it seemed like there was always another corner to turn. I heard someone shout "Howay Geordie" as I passed them. Wearing my Tyne Bridge Harriers shirt definitely helped and I crossed the line in a PB of 1 hour 10 minutes and 30 seconds, a cracking 4 minutes faster than my previous 10k time.

With my medal after finishing

There wasn't much of a rest for me, with Tyne Bridge Harriers hosting their first ever "Bridges of the Tyne" run the next Tuesday. A lot of planning has gone into this 5 mile run and I felt honoured to be one of the small group of participants to take part in the inaugeral event. Meeting up with my friends Paul and Karen at the Tyne Bar, we found that the registration point was well manned and got very busy before the start. 

We walked along to the Pitcher and Piano on Newcastle Quayside as a group and it wasn't long before we were on our marks, set, GO! I had agreed to run with my great friend Davina. It's lovely to be able to run with someone who you can have a good natter with and enjoy the time. As the speedy gonzaleses flew away, Davina and I were running at a steady pace and got through the first mile in 10 minutes 57 seconds. Considering my legs, and especially my quads, were still aching from Sunday I was delighted with this. As we were approaching the mile and a half point the front runners were already coming back, and words of encouragement flew between both groups. 

The second mile approached just before a small climb up into the business park before a greasy run, partly on grass then down a few steps before ending up back down at the riverside. We reached the 3 mile point in 34 minutes and 36 seconds and I was feeling strong. The more I ran the easier my legs were feeling. There was plenty of encouragement from members of the public as we ran back towards the Tyne and Millennium Bridges. At this point I started pulling away from Davina, as I was feeling very strong in the final mile. I picked up my pace and as I was nearing the finish line I looked at my Garmin, and saw it had just gone past the 59 minute mark. I told myself that I could get there under the hour and started sprinting. 

So fast I am blurry lol. 

With Karen, Paul and the others gathered at the finish line cheering me on I crossed over the line in 59 minutes 53 seconds. I was absolutely delighted! Two races in two days with great times. I had thoroughly enjoyed both races and hope that Tyne Bridge Harriers will be making this run an annual event. It's now 9 weeks until the Great North Run and these races have definitely been great preparation for the big one. Next up is the Great North 10k and I am hoping for a solid performance in that too. Til next time....keep on keeping on! 

13.1 miles or bust

Ahhh depression, my arch nemesis. You stride into my life again! Yup, just as I thought things were going hunky dory then my little black rain cloud found me for another week or so of trying times. I knew that it was basically a time for me to lick my wounds for a little while, take it easy and then power back into real life and get on with it.

I got all my exam results back and passed my first year at University. To say I am proud of that is an understatement. I was dreading an August return for resits as it would clash with the bairns' summer holidays and revision would be nigh on impossible with the children around. But I passed all exams and can now relax over the summer and recharge the batteries ready for September and year 2.

The running took a back seat for the week where I didn't feel too well. I was elated after the Blaydon Race and had hoped to capitalise on a great run with some more excellent training, but when you haven't got the energy to do much more than drag yourself out of bed each day running has to take a spell on the back burner.

However I managed to try a run last Tuesday, got half a mile into it, felt my nose running and went to wipe it. I was surprised to see blood, and then realised that I was having the mother of all nosebleeds for no apparent reason. There was no stopping the blood and I knew my run was going to be postponed when someone on a bike asked me if I was going to be ok. When I got back home I looked as if I had survived the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. No point in keeping the t-shirt, into the bin it went, and off I went into the shower.

The next day I went out again. This time there was no Freddy Kruger victim impressions, just a nice 5km run to get me back into the swing of running and I knew I felt much better. I found myself agreeing to attempt a 13.1 mile run on the Saturday as part of the Longest Day Run event.  The next day I got a solid 5 mile run in and felt great.

I felt the nerves kick in on the Friday night, what the heck had I agreed to do? My longest run so far was 8 miles and that was a couple of months ago. What made me think I could run 13.1 miles yet? I went to Sweatshop in the Metrocentre and bought some gels and some lucozade Jelly beans to try out on my run. I was happy to see a Blue Lamp Foundation collection tin in the shop too.

I was up bright and early on the Saturday Morning and headed to Byker Pool to meet my running partners Graham and Brian. Graham is running 2012 miles in 2012 for the Tony Blair Foundation and is an all round nice guy to boot. I had only met Brian once before but he seemed like a friendly chap, although for some reason I thought he was called Billy all day and kept calling him that, lol.

We set off at a very easy pace. From the Pool we headed down towards the River Tyne and along the Quayside, past the Millenium, Tyne and Swing Bridges and along the front of the Copthorne Hotel before heading up towards the Scotswood road through the business park. Four miles were already in the bag, and I took one of the energy gels I had bought. My goodness, they are an aquired taste!

As we were running along the Scotswood road I would love to say that I remembered the Blaydon Race from the previous blog posting, but seeing as I couldn't see a blooming thing on that run due to the rain I couldn't. The lads were great company, chatting, keeping the mileage updated and being really positive.

Up and over the Scotswood bridge, and onto the south side of the Tyne. We were closing in on the half way point and I can't think of a time I have been as happy to set foot on the south side of the river. We had broken the back of the run now, we were heading back towards Newcastle and here was the time to dig in and run.

We passed the Metro Centre, all chewed a few lucozade jelly beans, and headed into Dunston. I found that I had a claggy mouth, due to the gels and the lucozade isotonic drink I was supping and so we had a 2 minute pit stop while Graham bought a bottle of water. I knew I needed water as I had been fantasising about soda water for the past half a mile, while Brian said he was looking forward to a Strongbow!

I then found that it's easy to just keep running than trying to restart after a brief stop. I can only describe it as trying to get an old motorbike to start again. After a brief splutter my legs started again, and we headed along to the riverside. I could see the bridges up ahead and knew that we would be around the 10 mile mark when we got to the swing bridge.

My legs were still feeling ok at this point, breathing fine, but I knew I was starting to feel a bit tired. I was now concentrating on the end of the run rather than just enjoying the run, as I had been up to that point. We ran along the south side of the river, along passed the Sage and then across the Millenium bridge. More water was needed and we had a quick stop at the Tesco behind the court. Then off towards the back of the Copthorne Hotel, and 11 miles was clocked up. I told Graham not to tell me how far we had run until we got to 12 miles, as I was starting to really struggle now.

Along the Quayside once again, past the swing bridge, under the Tyne bridge, passed the Pitcher and Piano and the Millenium bridge again. Passed the 12 mile mark. And then disaster. My head said "NO MORE!" We were at 12.3 miles, less than a mile to go and I had stopped. My legs felt like lead, my head was saying "You can't go on" I felt like crying. Graham and Brian came back and really gave me a good pep talk. I just had to tell myself that I could do it. Less than a mile. HOWAY THE LASS!!!

And with determination from somewhere, I don't know where, I put one foot in front of the other. I dug deep and just let the lads go in front of me. They kept calling back to me, but I wasn't really sure what was being said, I was just in a place where there was just me, just one foot in front of the other, each step getting me closer to the end of the run. And then Graham and Brian had created a finish line and said "All the way across the line" and as I staggered past them I realised I had done it! 13.1 miles! I had made it!

A look at Brian's Garmin told me a time of 2 hours 54 mins and 27 seconds. Under 3 hours! I couldn't believe it! For a lass who couldn't run for more than 30 seconds at a time last August finishing my first half marathon distance run was mind-blowing. And I have 3 months until the Great North Run to improve my time.

Graham and me after finishing the 13.1 miles. 

My legs felt like cement from the minute I stopped running. We finished just beside where the Evolution festival is held and had to walk back up the hill to Byker pool, my little legs were screaming out in agony with each step, I could feel blisters on my left foot, one which popped as I was walking back. But I had done it, the elation of completing the longest run of my life made each step bearable. Thank you Graham and (Billy) Brian who carried me, metaphorically, to the finish. I now know that I can do the full half-marathon distance, I now know that come September I WILL finish the Great North Run!

Ohhhh me lads....

Wow, what a busy month I've had. I've completed all my exams at uni and had all the results back bar one and to say I'm delighted with them is an understatement. I've got 3 firsts, two 2.1's and a 2.2. Considering how nervous I felt before them I am really amazed by the results back. I also have a really good idea of where I need to work harder next year.

Running has been a mixed bag this month. The Clive Cookson 10k was an eye-opener. The weather was unbelievably hot and I hadn't felt confident about running the race at all. I have gastritis and duodenitis and had felt poorly for a couple of days before the run. I got to the two and a half mile point and really didn't know if I could get round the course. However I kept going and eventually finished. The reception I got from my running club, Tyne Bridge Harriers, was amazing. My friend, Tony, ran the last part of the run with me shouting me on. It meant so much. I didn't even know what time I finished in as I had stopped my watch at the two and a half mile point. I felt like it had taken forever. I found out the next day that I had ran the course in 1hr 21 mins. I was pleased in a way, my first ever 10k was 1hr 19 mins and this was only my 3rd ever 10k. However I know I can do way better than that.

I reached 2 years 10 months sober in the last couple of weeks. In February 2011 I took part in Victoria Derbyshire's radio show on BBC5 live speaking about alcoholism. Victoria had a recap show with a doctor called "Rachel" who I am delighted to say is now 3 months sober and I was invited back to speak to "Rachel" and update everyone on how I was doing. I had the opportunity to sit and reflect on how far my life has come in the last year.

Since that show I have lost 4 stone in weight. I applied for and got accepted at University. I started running in August. I joined the running club. These are massive things, and add on top of that living with a mental health condition which affects my mood, cyclically, suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, social anxiety, boughts of agoraphobia, noise sensitivity and then also being a single parent to three amazingly brilliant but demanding children and I have to admit I had a few tears. But they are tears of happiness. I know that I am being the best I can be, rather than making excuses for my behaviour and using alcohol and self-harm as a crutch. I've found coping strategies for my agoraphobia, noise sensitivity and social anxiety when they hit, and am managing to live a life which is a lot less isolated because of them.

One of the races that I have been waiting for since I decided to take up running was held at the weekend. As everyone knows (well you do now, if you didn't before) I am a proud Geordie. I entered the Blaydon Race back in February. Places in this race are like hens teeth. They sell out in a day. I had already bought a weekend ticket for the Download Festival but said if I got in then I would sell my festival ticket to do the run. And I got in!

So festival ticket sold I then had to wait for the run. And on the 9th June I was a mix of nerves and excitement. I got myself ready, put a water bottle in the fridge to be really cold for after the run, and left it there, not realising until I got to Newcastle. I met up with my running friends and my friends Karen and Graham pre-race. This was the 150th anniversary of the Blaydon Race in Geordie Ridley's song and it was going to be special.

There were can-can dancers, and the crowd roared "The Blaydon Races" song. I had goosepimples on my arms and the hairs on the back of my neck were stood up. I have never experieced anything like it. As we lined up outside Bambra's bar the heavens opened and we had rain of biblical proportions. I literally couldn't see two foot in front of me. The water was pouring down Scotswood Road and had an ark with a bearded bloke and two of every animal sailed past me down the Tyne I wouldn't have been surprised.

I don't know if it was the rain, the atmosphere or me just feeling so confident but I was feeling great. I did the first 5km in 32 mins and 3 seconds, though I couldn't see my Garmin to know that. I just knew I wanted to run. Although the rain had kept most of the crowds away there were still plenty of people on the Scotswood bridge to cheer us on. While others were walking up the incline I ran. The training at the running club was paying off.

Having not ran the race before I wasn't sure of where the end was. I could see a big blue "thing" up ahead which I presumed was the finish line so I put a burst of speed in. Only to find it was the car wash roof, oops! However I knew I wasn't that far away. As the race came to an end the two lads I passed with my burst of speed passed me back and I finished just behind them! Bit of a tactical mix-up there kidda.

I stopped my watch on the line, but wasn't able to see what the time was that I had finished in because of the rain on my glasses. I was completely soaked through. After getting my goody bag and my amazing t-shirt I saw my friends, one (who shall remain nameless to spare blushes) may not have won the race but would have won the wet T-shirt competition, lol. My other friend, Karen, looked at my Garmin and announced that I had finished in 66 mins 32 seconds!!!! I couldn't believe it. I had smashed the 70 minutes I had wanted to finish in.

Waiting for the bus back to Newcastle I met a couple of people that I know from Twitter and the lovely Kevin McClernon, who won the Biggest Loser this year. The night was completed with an evening's entertainment Geordie Beer Hall style, oompah band and traditional Geordie Fayre to boot! Brilliant! I don't often go out for the evening, as I can suffer from panic attacks in bars and crowded places but I loved being out, a sign that things are definitely looking up. Viva la vida!

A busy month

Hey ho,

It's been a while but I've had a busy month. Nothing major, just lots of uni work as exam time is upon us and the usual life getting in the way of stuff kinda thing.

My last post talked about how I felt I was under a bit of a black cloud. Things have definitely improved since then. It's a bit like being on a rollercoaster at times, you just have to hang on in there.

Running has been a bit of an effort at times. It has seemed like a lot of hard work and it hasn't been until the last week or so that I've felt that I'm enjoying it again. That aside I've done some great things with the runner. My club, Tyne Bridge Harriers, held a fundraising event for the Children's Heart Unit at the Freeman Hospital and The Freeman Heart and Lung Transplant Association  which was completed in around about 6 hours. It was fabulous to be part of the team and we were also joined by some of the recipients of donor organs who ran a lap, the Fit Factor team from the Journal and my friend and one of my inspirations Graham Smith who is running 2012 miles this year to raise money for the Tony Blair Sports Foundation which helps train volunteer coaches and officials so that more young people can get into sports.

I was meant to do the City of Sunderland 10k on the 6th May, however it was Newcastle United's last home game of the season and I would have been struggling to get back in time for kick off. I decided to change my plans and enter the Greggs Children's Cancer Run the following week instead, and managed to avoid a trip to the dark side, lol.

The Gregg's run is held at Newcastle race course and goes through the woods surrounding it. With the typical British summer weather it meant that the route was really clarty. Unlike other runs I've done there was no set starting time, people are allocated their number and are told to start anytime in an hour long slot. I hadn't experienced anything like this before and wondered if it would work. However I needn't have worried. At the start line it was like being at a theme park, lining up to start, being brought forward in a little group before being set away, and I have to admit that I had some nerves that were not dissimilar to those I might have felt had I been queueing for a white knuckle ride.

We set away, and I was quickly into a nice pace for me, and started really enjoying running through the mud and puddles and laughing at people who were gingerly trying to pick their way through. That was until the two mile point. An unexpected incline, some mud and a woman in front of me deciding to change her running line to directly into me saw me go flat on my front trying to avoid her. But I was straight up and running again, after throwing her a dirty look (to match my dirty hands and knees).

The distances were questionable. The first mile sign came at just over a mile according to my garmin, the second a good 200m before the 2nd mile, the 3rd came when my garmin said 2.6 miles and the 4 mile sign was placed at around about 3.65 miles according to the gps. I didn't know if it was me or the signs that were wrong but after asking some other runners afterwards it seems that they are quite free and easy with the mileage usually. However it didn't spoil the run any.

After crossing the finish line which is parallel to the racecourse itself, you are handed a medal (I love a medal when I've finished a run), a Greggs goody bag, consisting of a cheese and onion pasty, a gingerbread man and an apple, some water and another apple before you go to a stand where you collect your t-shirt.

Looking cream crackered after finishing 

Another medal for the collection

I definitely think that the Age Concern Run organisers can learn a lot from the Gregg's run organisers. The whole set up from Parking to good bag's after was a lot better and it's a run I'm looking forward to doing again next year. 

On Tuesday it was the second Grand Prix of the season at the running club. I was in two minds whether to go due to having an exam on the Wednesday but I am glad I did now, because I finished second and knocked a massive 1 minute 40 seconds off my previous time. To say I was buzzing would be an understatement. Achievements like this remind me why I started running, and why I continue. 

On Saturday I was going to give Park Run a miss due to a massively busy schedule but Graham asked if I was going so I said I would, then my friend Karen said she would come too. There was no PB today but Graham ran alongside me all the way and it was great to have someone who was encouraging me on. He really is a great lad, and managed to convince me to sign up to do one of the half hour slots in his 24 hour treadmill challenge in June. Seeing as I hate treadmills I think he did very well getting me in there. 

This week sees the club running at the Clive Cookson 10k on Wednesday, where my friends are also running, so a sneaky (non-alcoholic) drink beckons afterwards, and then it's the track and field event for the harriers where I am chucking things (shot put and javelin) and hopefully not hitting anyone in the process. 

Catch you all soon! 

Being all the inhabitants of the 100 acre woods.

I've noticed recently that my mood has been dropping again, and I've been feeling more tired than usual. At times like this it's hard to keep motivated and it's hard to see the goals that I'm actually achieving. Little things that wouldn't usually affect me at all have me crying, things that would just slide off my back are getting to me. My sense of humour has taken a sabbatical. It can be hard to juggle being a single parent, a university student, a recovering alcohol addict and a person who lives with a mental health problem. But I am doing it, I might not be a smiley, cheery person at the moment but I won't let this beat me. A good friend of mine once said "I love you, because over a space of time you are all the inhabitants of the 100 acre woods." I think at this moment in time I am in my Eeyore persona.

Depression is an illness that strikes so many people, it takes the lives of so many people. It can be hard to live with, but it's an illness that I am not ashamed of. I know that while I can take steps to try and avoid a depressive episode it is not my fault if I do have one. I know that I will come through this if I just keep on keeping on, and while it may sound flippant it's not meant to be. For me, when I feel like this, it's about just keeping on putting one foot in front of the other and not stopping until I get out of this black place, as tempting as curling up into a ball and just giving up may feel. I am aware that there are ignorant people out there who think it's funny to deride people who are fighting addictions or living with depression, and I had to deal with someone recently who thought they could use my alcohol addiction recovery to try and hurt me, but to be honest it says so much more about them than it does about me.

Anyway back to the running.

Tyne Bridge Harriers held their first Summer Grand Prix run at Jesmond Dene on Tuesday. I didn't really want to go. It was a flat race, which meant no staggered starts and I knew I would be finishing last. When I'm in a more Tigger mood I can live with this, my "at least you're lapping the people sat on the sofa" mindset at this time gets me through. When I'm in my Eeyore state, though, it's hard to be last all the time. It's like being back in the PE class at school, knowing you are trying so hard but being behind everyone else.

Tyne Bridge Harriers are a magnificent club though. They champion every member's achievements. It doesn't matter if you run a 5k in 16 minutes or 36 minutes, if you've done your best they recognise that. So I went to the summer grand prix on Tuesday and just told myself to do my best. I was last, as I knew I would be, BUT I had every single member who was there cheer me over the finish line. The feeling of knowing that all these people were willing me to do my best was amazing. I truly feel like Tyne Bridge Harriers is my club, and my running family.

I have a 10k in two weeks. It's the Sunderland City 10k and it means me heading into enemy territory for the day. I think the challenge of another 10k will do me good, it's times like this that I need the achievement of something to help me get through the depression successfully. I have to focus on the three important things I highlighted in an earlier blog entry, eating correctly, exercising and getting good quality sleep.

I hope when I next blog I have successfully got through my Eeyore stage and I am a different 100 acre woods inhabitant.

Home free

Yesterday saw me compete in my second ever 10k race. This one was a little bit closer to home than my last one, in face it could only have been closer if it started on my front lawn! The start line for the North Tyneside 10k is literally two minutes walk from my front door, starting at the Parks Sports Centre. With about 2500 runners the entrance to the Sports Centre was very busy, with a huge bottleneck of people trying to get in and out of the centre, but I still managed to see a few familiar faces from the running club.

I met up with my friend, Karen, who I go to Newcastle Parkrun with and my fellow Tyne Bridge Harrier, Davina, who has missed a bit of training recently. Karen is way faster than I am, but Davina and I decided to run together at least at the start to encourage each other. This was my first race in the Tyne Bridge Harriers vest and I felt the weight of representing the club quite heavily. I wanted to do them proud. Therefore I may have had a few more butterflies in my tummy than normal before a run.

The Mayor of North Tyneside, Linda Arkley, started the run at 10am and with Davina and I starting from near the back it took about a minute to get through the start. However we got off to a good pace, running the first mile in 10.32 mins. At the end of the second mile was the dreaded priory hill.

This photo doesn't do the hill justice really. 

Really it's two hills. The first one was beaten due to me shouting at myself, gritting my teeth and going for it. With the second one I managed to get about half way up before I stopped to walk, until Davina said she could see Micky, our coach from the Harriers and we thought it would be best to run again or we'd never hear the end of it. It was great to hear Micky and Leodhais shouting encouragement. 

I knew the rest of the race was flat after the priory so decided just to run as well as I could. Davina recovered from the hill a lot better than me, so she moved ahead of me, but I was still chasing her. We got to the 3 mile point and I decided not to partake in the water on offer after the sluicing of my sinuses on the last 10k I did. 

We got to 5k and Davina shouted back to me that we were on for a 1hr 10 minutes 10k which made me feel great. I knew that I felt comfortable at the pace I was going at that point. There were plenty of people to encourage us on, and it felt great to have people clapping and cheering us. A little boy stuck out his hand for a high-5 and that was lovely. 

At about the 4.5 mile point I started to feel the pace. I knew I had started to slow down, and Davina had pulled away a bit. I was still running a mile in 12 mins on average, but I started feeling a bit wobbly. I can't actually remember this part of the run. The next thing I can remember is between miles 5 and 6 when I had to ask 3 times for people to move out of the way while I was running and they were walking the other way towards me. The first two times I just had to say "Excuse me" to the people walking three abreast. The last time I kind of yelled "Can you get out of the way please!" in an annoyed tone as the group of four people with their dog on a longish lead tried to make the run into an obstacle course. I think my not best pleased voice got them to move pretty sharpish, but it seems rather silly that they can see people are running and decide that they are going to try and force you onto the road rather than move over a bit to let you through!

It was between the 5 and 6 mile point that I started to see Tyne Bridge Harriers who had already finished, and who were shouting their support to me, which really helped me. I was finding it hard to keep going now, and had to find something to keep me going. So I decided to focus on David Rathband and what he had to overcome to be able to run. By telling myself that I was running this last mile for him I managed to keep going. A guy in a red tracksuit ran with me for the last mile and we kept each other going which was lovely. Sometimes you need someone next to you to just spur you on. 

I turned the corner onto the road to St Mary's lighthouse and was so pleased to see the 200m to go sign. I wasn't bothered about time at that point, and didn't even look at my watch. As I passed the 100m to go sign a group which included Tyne Bridge Harriers, my friend Karen and my friend Tony and his wife Shirley were yelling at me to keep going. I didn't know I had it left in my legs but managed to get a sprint going, and just beat red-tracksuit man to the finish. A shake of hands, and collecting a great goody bag, with T-shirt, energy gel, water bottle and a form for the Clive Cookson 10k in May gave me time to have a look at my Garmin which I had stopped at the line. 

I nearly fell over! I had knocked 5 minutes and 37 seconds of my PB! I had finished in 1hr 14 mins and 14 seconds. It was so much better than I could have hoped for. Davina came over and grabbed me, then Karen did the same. I was completely buzzing. After grabbing water we made our way to the car park to get a lift back to the Salutation Inn, to meet a couple of friends, Misty and Bernard, who had completed the race too. I had moaned about the lack of a medal at this race, I love a medal, and Misty had made me a medal that I will cherish always and which Bernard presented me with at the pub over my cranberry and soda. It was a lovely end to a great run and one which I would highly recommend to anyone wanting a fast 10k to do. 

My lovely medal, thanks Misty!

Sobriety rocks

Today I reached another milestone in this great journey that I've undertaken. I am now 2 years and 8 months sober. To say that still totally amazes me. Becoming sober and moving from an alcoholic to a recovering alcoholic has been one of the best things I have ever done. I spoke in my very first post about some of the physical difficulties of stopping drinking.

The first week of coming off the alcohol was awful. The only way I can describe it is like a horrendous bout of flu, not a cold, but proper FLU! My body ached, my head pounded constantly, I sweated, I shook, I vomited and I physically hurt. I had to literally hold onto the mattress on my bed to stop myself getting out of bed in the middle of the night to go and buy alcohol. The craving was horrendous. I had nightmares, I felt like I was dying. Then on the fifth day I woke up and I felt amazing. The headache that I had lived with for years, but never even realised I had was gone. The diarrhoea that I had for years had stopped. I felt as if I suddenly had a veil lifted off me.

From that point on it was about living as an ex-drinker. The physical cravings were gone. The mental cravings would take longer to beat. With the help of AA I attended 90 meetings in 90 days. I had to get the support from people who knew what it was like to go through the pain of alcoholism. It was also in the middle of the break in the football season, which helped me immensely. I knew that I wasn't going to be tempted into pubs before the game which in the early days of my recovery would have been impossible to deal with. When the season started again I had to change my routine on match days. That meant having to change who I was meeting with before games too. I still liked my friends, but the temptation was too much. Funnily enough now I still see these people at the match, but have made a whole new set of friends that I go to the game with now.

After a while I found I was able to start going back to the pubs pre-match. That took time though. Initially when I went back into the bars I couldn't stand the smell of stale beer. It made me feel sick. Now I don't notice it that much. I also don't find not drinking alcohol as hard to take. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I think "Oh I would love a pint of bitter" or whatever, but I know that what I have gained from sobriety matters much more than the taste of beer. I can go out now, drink soft drinks and have such a good time without them. I've been to festivals, derby matches and parties and have enjoyed myself as much, if not more than when I was drinking.

Proud to be a Tyne Bridge Harrier!

Anyway, on to the fitness front. My legs suffered after the 10k last weekend. I don't know if it was the terrain, the actually race itself or the driving to and back from Leeds in less than 24 hours but my hamstrings suffered. On Tuesday the Tyne Bridge Harriers had their final winter Grand Prix run, a 5k around the Quayside in Newcastle. I ran down to the start point and nearly decided to pull out due to the tight feeling in my thighs. However I decided to go for it, and 3 miles has never felt as hard for a long time. I ran it in 36.29 mins, but it felt like a struggle. I tried some stretching on the Tuesday night and Wednesday but the Thursday night run felt hard too. So I decided I needed to rest, and not do the Parkrun in Newcastle on the Saturday and do a longer, slower run on the Sunday.

I aimed for a 7.5 to 8 mile run on the Sunday, which would be my longest run to date. Despite it being quite foggy when I got to Tynemouth it was already warm. However I noticed straight away that my legs felt so much fresher than they had on the Thursday and was able to run more freely. I love being able to run and get my head into that relaxed zone, where I work through any stresses and get time to chill out. Before I knew it I had reached the four mile point, just before St Mary's Lighthouse and turned to run back.

As I was running back I was passed by Denise, Vikki and Jude from the Harriers who all offered me supportive words. It's amazing how great having others acknowledge your effort on a run can feel. Whether its someone shouting at you, a few words as they pass, a thumbs up or a nod of the head the message really helps you along. My legs started feeling the effort by mile 6, and I needed to get some inspiration. I thought about how David Rathband had managed to overcome his injuries and run when he was still recovering. I also thought about how Kath, Ash and Mia had been through so much and that helped keep my legs going. It brings it home to you how lucky you are at times like this.

Just after that a car pulled up alongside me, and at first I wasn't sure what was going on but then saw that Denise, Vikki and Jude were yelling support for me from the car! That was so brilliant, it was as if I had been given a carbs boost. I knew then that I would get back to Tynemouth and focused on that. I can't explain how I felt as I passed the priory at Tynemouth and knew I had ran 8 miles for the first time ever in my life. You definitely get an endorphin rush when you run, but the achievement of being able to run and the massive changes that have happened in my life in the last 2 years 8 months hit me. I have raised nearly £1000 in the last 18 months, and am only £36 away from raising £500 for the NSPCC when I do the Great North Run in September. I had to sit in my car for a little while and just take in what I've done and the belief and support I've had from my friends and family. Thank you all.

I know I still have a long way to go. I'll keep drawing inspiration from people like Mark Allison (aka Rungeordierun), Ivan and Nadine who are raising funds for the Children's Heart Unit at the Freeman Hospital, and the Rathband family and I'm going to reach my goals for everyone who has shown that they believe in me. I'm not going to let you down!